I need advice to navigate this dynamic with my flatmate. We moved into this flat 9 months ago at the same time, we were total strangers before moving in. It was a newly established shared apartment and we have another flatmate as well (F33).

At the beginning we got along very well. We had a lot of kitchen chats and bonding over different topics like houseplants or concerts or psychedelics. She'd approach me when I was in kitchen making coffee and whatever for small talk, we'd ask about eachother's plans for weekend and things of that sort. First time we hung out outside the flat it was her suggestion to go shop for plants together. Later we also went to second hand stores and IKEA. We also started going into eachother's rooms often. She'd invite me to her room to show me new pieces of decorations in her room or her plants and things of that sort.

But unfortunately I started catching feelings for her. She is very cute and I was going through a very rough time (my home country is at war) and I think the proximity and attraction, and both of us being single, kinda played tricks on me and I started becoming really preoccupied with her. I would be listening for her footsteps and be distracted by her routine and schedule. I started to become nervous and awkward around her. But I never made a move and anything out of the ordinary activities that we were already doing, I never told her anything. I suggested a few activities like playing a video game together or I asked her to come with me to a concert, which she couldn't because she had to work on that day but she had specifically asked me to let her know about any good upcoming concerts so I don't think I overtepped any boundaries.

But after a while she became colder towards me. I feel like she sensed my feelings perhaps and decided to distance herself, I am not sure. It was really messing up with my mind as well so I decided to distance myself too. We kinda stopped running into eachother. I joined dating apps and started going out more and put myself out there. I think she decides to do the same she told me she joined Salsa classes and such. At this point (maybe 5 months into living together) the relationship didn't have that warmth from the beginning at all, and we only had small talks few and far between about mundane flat stuff. She'd no longer ask me how I am doing and we no longer updated eachother about anything in our lives, and no longer went into eachother's rooms.

I ended up coming home with another woman that I was dating a while back. A few weeks later she had a guy over too.

Nowdays we barely speak and I think for the most part we avoid eachother. She often has headphones on when she is in common areas. I sometimes want to start a conversation or a remark to reduce the awkwardness but I can't when she has headphones on. So i also kinda started to mirror that. Most of the time I just avoid going into the common areas when she is there. It's weird considering how it was such a warm connection at the beginning and now it just feels awkward. Although it could totally be possible that she is going through something personal that has nothing to do with me. Because she also doesn't talk to our other flatmate that much either.

Now I know we won't have the warmth of the beginning back and I really don't want to have it back either but I would like to be on a more friendly and comfortable terms because I want to do house chores in common areas without that feeling of awkwardness you know? I want to be feeling normal and comfortable in my house. It's not so bad that any of us want to move out. But I just wonder how can I break the ice in a way that I can feel more relaxed and not avoid running into my housemate in my home...

Tldr: very warm relationship with flatmate at the beginning, there was some attraction, things got cold and quiet and now it's kinda awkward. How do I make the atmosphere more friendly again.

TLDR: My boyfriend has a lot pictures of his girlfriend on his phone. On confronting he told me that I never asked him to delete them so he didn’t. Chose to keep her pictures over mine, I don’t know what should I do

(26f)My (34m) Boyfriend has had a close female friend that he talks to a lot, used to meet her a lot too. These things never really bothered me because of course you should have friends of opposite gender and everything. He would often show me his entire phone’s gallery which had a lot of her pictures, more of hers compared to mine and he would also always tell me how he only keeps pictures which are important to him and deletes the rest.

I gradually started feeling weird about this friendship and confronted this issue. He got really defensive and said that is not the case, then he told me to go through his phone and I did prove my point and also found out that he had transferred/ deleted all of my pictures from our first trip together as a couple to a pen drive. But still had all her pictures.

He never even saves my pictures from WhatsApp to his phone but still had screenshot of her Instagram onetime DM pictures to him.

I feel devastated, he said that nothing was ever going on or anything and that he transferred my pictures because they meant more but I don’t feel wanted or liked anymore. He got really emotional during the argument and I couldn’t say much post that but I feel so sad.

I know that he loves me but I can’t see it or feel it. What are my options in this case? I am really confused

Edit: Is there any way I can make it work?

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together 7. Just yesterday I can recall two things my wife did that catered to not bothering me.

1. I picked up some one dollar items at a store and held them briefly, then put them back. She caught herself mid asking me why I put them back.

2. I took a couple of Tylenol because I was starting to get a headache. She caught herself mid sentence asking if I was starting to get a head ache.

For a little extra context, I do struggle with talking about nitty gritty detail things (maybe related to my ADHD/autism or it's own separate thing). My wife and I have talked about it in general, which is probably where these moments are coming from. The thing is, it does not feel very good to witness real time. It feels like she's having to keep a running list in her head of what to not do to not annoy me, which does not seem healthy at all. At the same time she was all spot on with what details I find grating to talk about.

I'm not sure what is the best way of going about it. Should I be working on coping skills to be able to talk about things most people are able to? Is her going out of her way to accommodate me our best case scenario? Has anybody else had this problem? This post might be premature because I haven't brought up yesterday and unpacked it with my wife yet. It could be a complete non issue on her end or be very expensive for her.

TL;DR I have a hard time talking about nitty gritty detail things (they are to me at least) and I can feel my wife constantly censoring herself to accommodate me. Is there a way we can address this to have a happy sustainable long term relationship for both of us?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years and living together for one. He's thoughtful, funny, and genuinely caring, but he's also extremely conflict-avoidant.

Lately, I've realized we have a pattern that's slowly making me afraid to ask him for anything.

For example, I recently asked whether he'd come to my sister's birthday dinner. I explicitly said I was happy to go alone. He said he'd love to come. At dinner, he seemed perfectly happy and even suggested staying for dessert.

Two weeks later, during a conversation about how little free time he has, he mentioned the dinner as another thing he'd "had to do for me."

I was completely blindsided.

This happens with family visits, weekend plans, and sometimes even choosing a movie. He eventually admits he didn't want to do something but was worried I'd be disappointed if he said no.

I understand wanting to make your partner happy. What I struggle with is that his yes doesn't actually mean yes, and I find out weeks later that he's been quietly resenting me.

Now I catch myself asking "Are you sure?" three or four times, which makes us both uncomfortable.

I don't want him sacrificing his happiness for mine, but I also can't take responsibility for preferences he won't tell me about.

How can we change the way we make decisions together so he feels comfortable saying no and I can actually trust his answers?

TL;DR: My boyfriend agrees to plans because he's afraid to disappoint me, then later feels resentful about them. I want us to make decisions honestly without constantly questioning each other's answers.

TL;DR - My bf only has a few friends in the city we live in and they all missed his 30th birthday for semi-valid reasons. If i reschedule a belated get-together will that help or rub salt in the wound?

EDIT: The friends in question do usually show up for "regular" hangs like watching a hockey game or playing a round of golf. FWIW they all originally confirmed their attendance weeks ago and then apologized for not being there and offered to schedule something soon to hang out although no concrete plans were proposed by any of them.

Sorry to tangent, my neurodivergence thinks all these details are super important i guess…

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years and living together for over 3. We both live in Canada but he’s from the US, I was born and raised in the city where we live and he moved her for work right after college. When he first moved, a bunch of his college friends moved as well since they all accepted work in the same field.

A few years ago, their industry got hit with a lot of layoffs due to tariffs and changes in immigration policy so nearly all of his college friends ended up moving back to the US. The lay offs affected him too but thankfully he was able to find more work eventually and since we’re common-law I’m able to help with his immigration status.

While had since made a few friends from work that were still local, it just wasn’t the same. I’ve been feeling some guilt since I know i’m mostly the reason he didn’t move back home. He stayed here for me, for us. He plays video games regularly with his friends back home and when we visit 1-2x per year we try to maximize our time with them. His feelings get hurt when he finds out that they make plans to hang out IRL and he can’t be there.

I try to encourage him to make plans with the friends he has here but he’s scared they’ll brush him off…Which is fair since just last night I organized a small gathering to celebrate his 30th birthday and **NONE of his local friends showed up** (one was sick, one had last minute travel plans; one fell asleep on his couch and missed it and another could only arrive by the time our reservation was over). So it was only us and some of my friends, none of “his” people. He was so disappointed and embarrassed and I was just devastated and furious at these grown ass men for not making a bit of an effort to show up for their friends milestone birthday like he had for theirs.

My boyfriend is a smart, kind, caring and gentle soul who was a shy kid turned introverted adult. It’s hard for him to “put himself out there” to try to initiate plans with friends because he’s so scared he’ll be rejected. It pains me because his college and home friends DO show up for him in person, they’ve had their rifts, often due to the distance or just growing pains that come with 20+ year friendships, but they SHOW UP.

Between the layoffs and his core friend group moving away, my boyfriend has definitely been battling some depression making him isolate himself even more. He’s done some therapy and while that’s helped his mental health it doesn’t solve the friend “issue”.

I want to organize a “redemption”/“re-do” party because he deserves to be celebrated, especially for such a milestone birthday, but I’m worried the damage has been done and I don’t know how to approach it with his friends in a way that they don’t feel too guilty but also i kinda want them to know how hurt he is so they don’t overlook him again…

Please share any advice!!

I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for about 4 years now. I was in love with my boyfriend, I mean I still am but I don’t get as excited about sex as I used to which makes me question if I do actually still love him as I did or not. I know it sounds ridiculous to say this because I think it’s normal for our sex life not to be the way it used to be when we first met.

I used to be a very sexual person as far as I can remember but with us, it died over time. He still wants me the same but I don’t. Sex feels like a chore. For the most part, when we go to bed, I am begging in my head that he doesn’t kiss me and get turned on because I know I won’t be the most excited about getting things started.

The distance I think really changed our intimacy. We are thrilled to have sex the first day we get together and then after that, I just don’t feel like it anymore.

I’m not the happiest in my personal life. I know that also impacts things but I don’t know what’s missing. I wish I could tell him how I feel and we talk about everything I know he won’t get upset with me and would try to understand but I don’t really know how I feel the way I do and how it can be fixed. I just know I definitely don’t feel sexy these days and I cannot tell if I’m only unattractive in my own head or if he also has lost some attraction for me.

I know he loves BJ and I loved giving that once but not anymore. He tried to explain to me yesterday how I can give better head and I tried to do later in the day but the anxiety of me not being up to doing it made our sex very awkward and I felt pretty down for the next hour or so after that… all my partners before him told me I’m amazing in bed and I always thought I am but now I’m starting to question whether they meant it or…

How can I speak to him about my thoughts? I don’t really even know where to begin with or what to say.

TLDR: been in a long distance relationship with my partner for 4 years. We used to have amazing sex but not anymore. I don’t feel sexy anymore or attractive and don’t feel like wanting to have sex with him. We are very communicative but I don’t know how to express my thoughts

My partner and I have been dating for two years, we were medium distance (about a 3hr drive) for most of that two years, until he graduated university about 4/5 months ago and moved back home. Due to circumstances between my parents and I, I moved in with his family last month.
(I hope this isn’t too explicit) So a few days ago, while we were intimate he made a comment about me having all of my holes filled, I of course added onto that. After we were done and cuddling, he shared with me that a part of him misses the excitement and/or tension of that potential that only exists when you're single. The example was flirting with someone at the bar and the will they/wont they of getting to go home together. He thinks he would be better at having something like a roster or flirting than he was when he was single. I asked a few questions like if he wanted to have an open relationship or try a threesome but he said that would be too much (the jealousy that would come with it etc.) it also wouldn’t be something I’m into but I wanted to gauge how far he wanted to go with this I guess. He expressed that none of this changes how he feels about me or his loyalty to me. I asked if this feeling will get worse/stronger overtime and his response was “I don’t know”. Added context is that he does plan to go to another school that is about 2 thousand miles away, which would cause us to be long distance again (which he doesn’t seem to mind/think it would be that hard) or I go with him. We have spoken about this since the initial conversation and he doesn’t understand how it could make me question his loyalty and he thinks I am trying to express distrust in him when really it’s more nuanced than just simply distrust. He said he just brought it up because he wanted to see if I felt the same way (or had any desire to I guess sleep with other people??) He said that if I said something like this to him, he wouldn’t be ecstatic but he wouldn’t be questioning my loyalty. Another thing to note is that he said he would never risk our relationship like that bc he values it more than the possibility of something else and would never want to hurt me in that way.
My fears lie in the fact that we plan to build a life together, this feeling he has could just get stronger overtime, I have to work on trusting him even if he moves really far away, I know how easy micro-cheating can come about (flirting in a bar and it goes no further) so this is something that could happen more easily than he thinks and it’s a slippery slope from there, and so I have to find a way to make our relationship more exciting for him? I have struggled with feeling like enough for him in the past because he is fairly honest about everything, including when he finds people attractive. Things I wouldn’t necessarily share with my partner.
What do I do? How do I share my feelings without invalidating his? Can we come to common ground?

Sorry this is so long

TLDR: My partner misses the ‘flirting with people’ part of being single. Is this normal?

My boyfriend (22M) and I (20F) are in a long distance relationship that is coming up on a year. We met last year when I was studying in his country for a couple of months as an exchange and decided before I left to try long distance. Things haven’t been as good as they were when we were in the same country but I do think this is party to the distance, however we have luckily managed to see eachother a couple of times, he was even supposed to be coming over for my birthday and christmas.

My boyfriend has been with people in the past, whereas I have not, so he has a lot more baggage than me in terms of worrying about things happening in a relationship. He was cheated on by his last girlfriend and girls he has spoken to have also lied and met with other people secretly. He has issues with trusting but is trying, so I try to make him as comfortable as I can because I never want him to worry.

This does often lead to him accusing me of things he is worried about, and I have to prove that I am not lying most of the time, which gets kind of tiring, but I want to show him there is good out there and he can trust.

Recently he has started a new job at a grocery store near him, and upon telling me about his days and calling me on his breaks he mentioned this one coworker of his. He mentioned a couple of things she has said to him, and that she often goes up to where he is working in the store even if she is on the other side, to talk to him. I mentioned that I didn’t feel comfortable with him being friends with her (he tells me what he isn’t comfortable with and always asks me to say if there is something I don’t like since we are long distance to make things easier). In his classes he does have to be around girls since the field he wants to go into is primarily female dominated, but I have no with him talking to them and being friends, especially if they knew each other before we met, as I know it’s unavoidable and I trust him. Every time this girl from work came up he would say he didn’t talk to her and would only respond to be polite since they are coworkers so I thought that was that. He had mentioned to another coworker that he is trying to learn how to drive, she overheard and offered to teach him, but when he asked me I said I just wouldn’t be comfortable with that, since his dad already offered to teach him, so he told me he would say no.

Recently he went to a concert with one of his friends, and when I asked if it was just him and the other friend (22M) he said yes, that it was only them. Later that week he then told me that he had to go to the police station with one of his classmates as her boyfriend had become abusive and she wanted someone to go with her. I was honestly glad that he was there and she had support, he even called me and put me on the phone with her to talk before they went in. Later the same week he mentioned that he had lied to me about the concert and that the classmate who he had gone to the police station with had actually gone to the concert with him and his friend, that they had booked the tickets together and were seated together so it’s not like they just bumped into each other. Obviously I was upset, but he told me that after the police visit they had agreed to not be friends anymore to not cause any drama.

He stated how sorry he was for lying and said from now on he would tell me everything in detail, so I thought it was all fine. He went on just under two weeks of a trip with his class and I was in contact with him still while he went. One of the times we called he was talking to one of the boys he was sharing a room with and mentioned a conversation he had with the girl in his class who he mentioned he wasn’t going to be friends with anymore. Obviously I was upset but kept it to myself for the time being because I didn’t want to ruin his trip.

When he got back home I mentioned to him that I knew he was friends with her still, I mentioned that he can be friends with whoever he wanted but I just was not comfortable with this friendship anymore as I didn’t feel like I could trust him not to lie to me about her, and I asked him if he would block her to make me feel more comfortable. He went to shower and said we would discuss it afterwards so I thought it was getting somewhere.

After his shower me told me that he needed to tell me something, I asked him if he had done something and he said yes. He mentioned that when he told me I would want to break up with him so obviously I started getting worried and asked him what he had done. He said that it actually wasn’t his classmate who was the one at the concert and that he went with to the police station, but he didn’t tell me who it really was because he knew I would get mad at him. I asked who it was, and he said the girl from work. Not only had he been friendly with her, he went to a concert with her, went alone in her car to go to the police station and also to get driving lessons. He said that nothing happened and he has blocked her now since they agreed to not be friends anymore, since her boyfriend started messaging him and trying to harass him and his friends.

I just don’t know what to think, we were about to book our flights to see each other. I told him I don’t want either of us to visit anymore, even though I think I do deep down, but I am just so hurt. I genuinely cannot believe he lied to me and I don’t think I know how to move past this to continue dating. He has stated how sorry he is and said he will leave so I can find better but I don’t even know what to do. I want to be with him but I also don’t. How do I move past this and what can I do to make him prove how sorry he is, and feel more comfortable with everything.

Or is there no point and should I just give up and leave. I do love him so much, but I’m not sure if i like him anymore due to this. Can we even move past this, I know it’s not cheating but in long distance trust is all you have and he has broken mine.

*TL;DR* My boyfriend lied to me about hanging out with a coworker he said he wasn’t friends with, and blamed it on his fem classmate.

Hi, I’ve had a long-term “best friend” since I was about 5 years old. Our life paths have definitely gone in different directions but we’ve managed to stay in touch. Phone calls, texts, maybe a trip once a year to see each other (we live across the country from one another). I feel like her level of communication throughout the week has gradually increased within the past few years.
She will sometimes send 5-6 voice notes a day that are each 8-10 minutes long. Sometimes I can’t get to these till the next day, and then before I’ve even responded - she sends more.
There’s also an unspoken expectation that I respond to her voice memos, and I address some/part of what she shared. In addition to this - she recently went through something fairly serious health-wise (she will be ok though!) and we had multiple phone calls across a 3 week period. One of them lasted 2 hours. I tried to counsel her, offer love and offer advice.

One day she sent me several voice notes and when I responded the next day she got upset and said I didn’t respond to her vulnerability. It was a shock to me because I really felt like I tried to address everything she talked about.

I’m feeling sort of tapped out on my friendship with her right now. I feel like she’s constantly stuck in a web of life conflict and I have to play therapist / counselor to her. I know friendship is about helping your friends but I am also starting to see her as a burden. It’s tough because she also has such strained relationships with her own family - I know she can’t go to them for support and she doesn’t have consistent romantic partner right now (she’s sort of in between two different people). Im just having a hard time maintaining such a frequent level of communication with my job, my husband and my own hobbies. She talks about feeling lonely often. Is there a polite way I can put up a boundary with her? Am I wrong for wanting to put up this boundary?

TLDR: My long-term, long-distance best friend likes to communicate several times across a single week, and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. How do I express this to her kindly?

I’m looking for some advice on a situation with a coworker I’ve been trying to become friends with.

For some context, I don't really have any friends, and I spend most of my days at work listening to music since the work itself is quite individual. Because I spend so much of my time at work, I thought there could be an opportunity to develop a genuine friendship with someone there.

A couple of months ago, a new colleague joined my team, and I was one of the people responsible for helping her settle in and learn the job. During her first few weeks, we seemed to get along really well. We would grab coffee, have lunch together, hang out during breaks, and talk or gossip about random things. We also had a few calls related to training, and the conversations would often go beyond work.

At the time, I felt like we were developing a good friendship. I tried to make her feel welcome, helped her whenever she needed something, and made an effort to get to know her. She genuinely made work more enjoyable because I knew I had someone I could talk to and spend time with throughout the day.

However, over the past few weeks, things seem to have changed quite suddenly. I feel like I'm almost always the one initiating conversations or suggesting we get coffee or lunch. When I try to make conversation, her responses are often quite short, and she doesn't seem to make much effort to keep the conversation going. Our calls used to last quite a while, but now she often seems eager to end them.

At the same time, she seems much more engaged with other colleagues on the team, including people she hasn't known for as long. I can't help wondering whether I did or said something that changed how she sees me. I don't think I did, but I keep replaying our interactions in my head, trying to figure out if I missed something.

Over the past two weeks, I've invited her to lunch a few times and suggested getting coffee. She's declined some of these invitations for understandable reasons, but she rarely suggests doing something another time. I realize that none of these things necessarily mean anything on their own, but taken together, they make me feel like the friendship might be more one-sided than I initially thought.

What makes this complicated is that we still work closely together. I'm expected to help train her, and I want to maintain a good working relationship and make sure she feels comfortable asking me questions. I don't want my feelings about the friendship to affect how I treat her professionally, and I certainly don't want to make things awkward at work.

I also recognize that part of why this bothers me so much might be that I don't have much of a social life outside work. Having someone I genuinely enjoyed talking to made my days better, and I think I've become more invested in this friendship than I should have.

I'm trying to figure out whether I'm overthinking things, whether she simply doesn't see us becoming close friends, or whether something might have changed that I'm unaware of.

How should I handle this situation going forward? Should I stop initiating conversations and inviting her to lunch or coffee, and let her make an effort if she wants to develop the friendship? I don't want to make things awkward since we work together. At the same time, I don't want to keep investing in a friendship that isn't being reciprocated.

TL;DR: I developed what I thought was a good friendship with a coworker, but lately she seems more distant and I'm almost always the one making an effort. I'm wondering if I did something wrong or if she simply isn't interested in being friends. Should I stop initiating and let her make an effort if she wants to, or talk to her about it? How do I handle this without making things awkward at work?

I am 39 (F) and my husband is 43 (M). We have been married for over 10 years.

When I met him, he honestly tick all the boxes of my ideal man. Nice, clever, stable, etc.

But when I moved with him and decided to get married, I found out how he communicates with me is rather different. He is not a talker. He said the same phrases as always. He is hard core gamer. Overtime, since i wanted to work our marriage, I've accepted that fact (so i thought). Our relationship isn't by the book. He never tell me stuffs. Most of the decisions was his. Sometimes, he just let me know just to inform me. He is the clever one in the relationships (I admit that and nothing bad happened to me yet - hence, over the years I allowed him to do it).

first 3 years of my marriage - I struggled. Because I used to have my freedom, I used to do things that I wanted, there are things that I didn't approve but just swallowed it up so that we wont have a fight or i don't want him to be upset with me. He is like a strict father that if I upset him, I will have punishment (like no lunch dates over the weekend or travel). At that time, im just starting out, got a job job but he is the one who is handling more of the finances as he earns way better than me. That has become the dynamics.

I managed well. I tried to avoid what upsets him, I felt like I am walking on an egg shell. Until last year, I felt, even if i managed it well, even if he isn't as strict as he was before, even if he allowed me to do things, I had enough. I bottleneck so much that I cant tolerate it at all. I thought our marriage will end until he talked to me and tried to fix things.

This year came, honestly it is already an hallelujah for me compared to the previous years. But then, I realized that we are like cohabitant. He is busy with his life and so am i and we are just leaving together. He is a gamer and I also have social activities of my own.

Our conversation is the same as always, I stop asking how he was as I know what the answer be. I can get more answer from a stranger than my husband. The past weeks I kept on asking myself on what’s going on, then I realized that the emotional intimacy is gone, so does the physical intimacy (we weren’t active). I developed fear too of speaking. I think the reason I bottleneck and not opening to him because of the fear of upsetting him.

I think I wanted to end the marriage but I am really confuse. Half of me wanted to stay because im used to it and half of me wanted to let go.

TL;DR; : This is a sample summary of the TLDR rule, all things are bold. Is this going the right way?.

TLDR we keep not feeling heard
Is there a way out of this loop? It’s daily.
-Partner 39F says something that I find hurtful. (Objectively maybe it’s not, I can be too sensitive)
-I 49M respond saying something to the effect of ‘it hurts me when you say xyz, I wish you’d talk about it differently.
-She responds, I guess I can’t ever tell you how I feel and what’s bothering me.
-I respond, no you can, just when you say it like this way, it hurts.

(Continues on and on until we give up)

What might be going on here? I think we have a lot of resentment toward each other.

My bf of 5 years M28 has been cheating on me F28 for idk how long. He’s always been private with his phone but i figured that was just a space thing. I always believed he was sincere when he said he loved me. Today i found out that he has been actively cheating on me for MONTHS with MULTIPLE GIRLS. I dont know how many they are. I dont know when it started. I’m blaming myself like maybe i was too toxic or not hot enough or not skinny enough. Maybe he got sick of our constant fighting lately or my clingyness or my family or everything. What could i have done better? What could i have done to make him keep loving me? He’s my best friend. He’s the love of my life. I’ve never known or felt love like this before and i never thought there might be an after. Do i forgive him? Do i confront him? What do i do? I dont want to lose him. I dont want to stop loving him. Even now i still love him with everything in me. I’m scared of what itll mean to end things. I never thought id be in this situation or this scared and miserable about something like THIS i thought we were different. What do i do?

Tldr: ive been cheated on and idfk what to do now

I (20 F) and my bf (19M) have been dating for a little over a year, we are both in college and working to some extent. His parents are emotionally abusive and very controlling. He is not allowed to use the car because of a minor fender bender that did not have any insurance even involved. He is not allowed to go over to my house whenever his parents say that he is not allowed to. His mother monitors his school work and every little thing he is involved in. Its to the point where he is not allowed to fail at all, or he is berated, ignored, or verbally abused. The issue is that I try to help over and over again and he can't or wont do anything and I am frustrated. I love him so much, but when he complains about his garbage parents, im getting tired because I feel as if he isnt doing anything. Everytime im over at his house I feel as if we're being judged, and they're just generally nasty to each other. I love this man, he does so much for me, but his parents have such a tight grip that I feel stifled. What am I supposed to do? How do I deal with his parents and this situation? And how can i help him get out as he really does want to leave, hes just scared to.

TL;DR my boyfriends parents are controlling and judgemental, how do I deal with them and help him leave

So, I (23F) am in a relationship with my bf (25M). He is very kind and i know he loves me. But bruh he follows these erotic content creators on social media. Not the naked ones but those ones that wears very little to no clothing. I already told him i don’t like him following those creators and he said he would unfollow them and he did but there are still some left and he is actively engaging with their contents pa. He said he only does that cuz of man stuffs and he loves me no matter what but it doesn’t sit right with me.

Should i stay?

Tl;Dr
Need relationship advice.

For the first 3 months everything was good. Now it’s starting to feel hard to communicate and talk with him. We had two periods of where I got upset.

For me it takes a bit for me to process how I feel. During the dates with him I’m happy. Afterwards I start to process and feel. I’ll let things slide because I don’t want conflict but it’s starting to bother me. Like it’s getting tiring to have something to talk about.

When we first met, he asked why I agreed to go on a date. I said because he was reciprocating my effort. On our second date I told him my expectations. I had gotten irritated that he wasn’t planning another date. And that him not planning of leaving it up in the air, makes me feel uncertain. This is also his first relationship.

I got upset around three months that he wasn’t planning giving me any effort anymore. He used to tell me when or an available date and we could plan. But he started to not say anything. I mentioned we could play games together online like we used to. He said that would be fun and dropped it. I wanted more public dates outside and all he said was he agreed, “we should plan public dates”. I got irritated but let it slide so I gave examples of what I would like. He didn’t think of any ideas though.

He also was hesitant to meet my family and especially my brother. It felt like he was giving excuses so that contributed to my irritation.

I waited for a couple days after this and saw he didn’t plan an upcoming date for the next week. I reminded him of my expectations when we first started dating. He has been dropping his effort. He could say things but his actions are showing low effort. I told him his inaction is causing me to lose feelings for him. I needed time for a week to think. All I could think of during that moment was I want to break up with him. And it continued for a couple days.

I started to talk with him again after 4 days and we met and talked in person. He planned more dates and told me his availability. (The dates planned were from my ideas earlier however.) things were going good for a bit. The date was on Saturday! He also agreed to meet my brother and go to a party the next day on Sunday. I made a groupchat to plan the meet up. And it was mostly me communicating with my brother and planning the time. We had a rough idea for the date on Saturday. Plan was he meets me at my house, and he drives us around. We go to a thrift event, then a ghibli festival, and we meet my brother at 7pm. We didn’t plan the times however.

At Friday he hasn’t told me the time and schedule. I stayed up and went to sleep late. In my mind I’m thinking I don’t want to go on the date anymore because he hasn’t told me the exact plan. I ended up not waking up. He calls me two times. I pick up on the second and he’s around my area. We didn’t go to the ghibli festival and end up getting dinner, and meeting my brother. I picked the place to eat dinner too.

On Sunday is my brothers Halloween party. My bf is going and he picks me up first. We head there and I feel happy. When we get to the party everyone makes jokes I’m a cougar. And the age difference/ I’m grooming him. I got irritated but didn’t say anything because I don’t want conflict. He joins with them saying he’s just a 24 year old child. I’m like haha ok.

During the party he insinuates I’m dumb or slow. We were playing a math game and he was hovering and backseating me. He took the phone to help me but ends up doing another one. Saying “it’s easier when you don’t have someone slowing you down”. He’s been insinuating I’m dumb for a while and is a bit pessimistic towards me. Lowkey joking and or sarcastic to me. I share things and he becomes sarcastic. I don’t reply towards this.

At the party there was a family feud event. Question was what’s scary in the dark. My bf whispered “black people”. I was like ok…. And later during the party, I go to the restroom. Come back and they said cats out of the bag. That me and my bf are dating. I think I was resentful lately so I said oh I thought when you said cats out of the bag, that my bf was racist. My bf gets upset at me for doing that and there was no correlation for me to do that. I understood his reasoning and apologized for it. It was petty for me.
We talked about it. And then talked in private in the car drive home.

When we got to my place he pulls up to the side and doesn’t pull up to my drive way. I ask him to pull up and he was like really??? Fineeee. He pulls up and I ask him to give me my stuff in the back. I brought stuff to the party, and my brother gave me stuff. I get out and he doesn’t help me so I said I’m fine, it’s fine.

Sunday night I’m broody and kept thinking about the incident. I felt like him putting me down and being negative towards me, made me resentful so I said that he was racist out of petty.

Monday evening I texted him about it, that I don’t enjoy him insinuating I’m dumb and it feels disrespectful. It’s been very frequent lately and I don’t enjoy his sarcasm. It makes me resentful. And I add that to the reasoning why I did what I did.

His response was “Ok. So. I didnt reply yet cuz lowkey been ticked off since going to gw after work (unrelated to u) and didnt wanna take it out on u.

Ill first say Ok. I can tone it down for you. Ill avoid tryna make u feel dumb. Its not my intention. Not tryna make an excuse but thats just the way my humor is 😰

1. Imma be frank. It lowkey irks me that you are still tryna blame me for what you said yesterday. Sure my jokes may have upset you. But that night. We were not making fun of u at all and i fail to see the correlation. I dont think it’s fair for you to blame me for what you said there.”

I need advice what to do here. Like everything else is good but these little things keep happening. And it’s starting to feel tiring. I haven’t responded and I do t know what to do. Part of me wants to break up.

TLDR; boyfriend has been disrespectful and sarcastic. I said something out of petty in public and he got mad. I apologized and brought my thinking and reasoning.

I have known my partner for 10 years but just recently left to live with her overseas.

Our life together is great but if there is one thing I wonder about is that we do everything together. She works from home and having left my home, I don’t have any friends or family here to be just out and about by myself. We eat all meals together and her life is far more on a schedule like she doesn’t skip meals and she finds it strange that I don’t know beforehand where I want to eat. At times, I feel my life is on a timer with her and I am living her life in this new country.

Much of my single life has been go to work, watch sports, play basketball and the occasional video game. A lot of downtime , not much responsibility, but with her, there’s always something to do before we have to once again eat

At our ages, it’s now or never for a child and she says she has to be married before then. I started this new journey hoping to grow and part of me wonders if this dynamic is part of every relationship in learning how to really love and support a person or is this unhealthy? If we marry, have a child, buy a home etc. I expect all my personal time is going to be taken up

If I returned to my boring life, I could see myself getting depressed and feeling like I never grew up (it’s probably now or never if I get married too). But If I marry and start a family, I feel I have signed away my boyish freedom. Is this just life in any relationship or is my laidback self and her more regimented lifestyle a sign of incompatibility

Tl;dr: how do I find personal time in a 24/7 living together relationship?

I haven’t been a very sociable person since middle school when I developed social anxiety and anxiety in general. I am a college student and both of my only friends here have already transferred or are going to transfer. I’m trying to think of ways to make friends but no clubs speak to me and my coworkers are all 30+. My boyfriend has many friends and invites me along with him a lot but I’m really nervous because I am about to have no friends outside of him and his friends ( all men ) but I want female friends. Overall I’m really scared of us breaking up and losing my whole social life. I don’t know what to do about it and I have no one to be my roommate and I’ve had very bad luck with roommates in the past.

TLDR; looking for ways to make female friends that aren’t just friends of my bfs or his friends.

So actually the title says it all. We are in a relationship since almost 9 years. When I (f31) am with partner (m41), very good looking and attractive man, at a party he gets lots of female attention and enjoys it. He is also seeking that validation and goes around very open, and flirtatious. He will compliments a woman on her looks, or dances very close. Yes, I feel jealous, since he doesn’t give me this kind of attention when we are around other people. At home and day to day life he is very sweet and compliments me a lot.
And I am not talking about 1 flirtatious encounter, but usually it’s more like 6-7 different people over the course of a night.
Asking him he says he feels so comfortable with me that he doesn’t want to hide this side of him. He also says there are different stages of flirting and what he does is kind of the minimum he can do already. And me being uncomfortable at parties doesn’t help finding me so exciting there and in the end I am the one who can take him home. And that he is not interested in getting a step further than that. And I believe him, it’s just how he is.
I am thinking of not going there with him anymore. But he is a DJ and it feels like a big step.
So now I am unsure if I should work on my feelings and how to do that. Or if I should give up on changing the situation and just find for other things to do with partner.

TL;DR: partner flirts at parties and I am uncomfortable with that and want to find a way to deal with that.

Hello to all the Reddit degens, connoisseurs and enthusiasts alike. This is my first time asking for advice/posting on any sub Reddit so please be gentle.

I 32F have been in a relationship with my partner 37M for the last 2 years approximately. He is an incredible person, he is truly one of a kind and I feel so lucky to have met him and have him in my life. Feels like he could be the one kinda energy.

So much so that I am constantly worried that I am not enough. Even from the early stages of our relationship, I have felt a deep aching, depressive, almost empty kinda feeling when we part ways and not because I know I will miss him but more like my self worth and sense of reality slip and I recalibrate into an avoidant pattern, like I gave too much of myself and lost part of myself and then internalised the pain.

Context: I have always struggled in relationships, I also have some seriously avoidant tendencies and attachment/ daddy issues.

But I have always maintained a sense of independence and autonomy within myself and feel better about myself when I am on my own. Previous to this relationship I was in a long term relationship for 9yrs with my ex 42M who had kids. When we met he had not long come out of a long term relationship and had a recent diagnosis of adult onset tourettes, that with some deep childhood trauma resulted in issues with addiction and his mental health. It wasn't a healthy relationship. When we met I was young and had come from instability and hardship, over the years I tried to end the relationship a few times but we would end up getting back together for whatever reason, concern for him and his kids being a big one. I still see the kids and miss them everyday.

Meeting my current partner was the catalyst for the break up, when I met him it was different, I felt truly seen for the first time in a long time. I know this is so cliche and also another unhealthy relationship decision not allowing myself time to grieve and grow through the break up.

I have discussed this with my partner who is very understanding and also that previous relationship needed to end. But fact remains; I didn't allow myself time to process.

This has been a pattern of this behaviour, jumping from one relationship to the next. Never been my intention to do so and I regularly reflect on this, questioning my choices and better judgement.

I really love my partner and want to be the best version of myself for him, for us and for me. He encourages that in so many ways and I worry that I am not able to do the same for him, struggling with my own addiction and mental health issues

TLDR; I am aware of the oxytocin comedown and possible cognitive dissonance that may be in play when we part ways, I guess what I am really concerned about is that we are maybe not that compatible or started the relationship at the wrong time, he has also had some huge life changes in the last few years. It's been challenging for us both. I don't know if I am being avoidant or if my subconscious is trying to address a real issue or mostly likely if it's a culmination of all these things and more?

P.S soz for the novel,

tl;dr. I (20F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for almost four years. Just recently, he said he has been going through some things and decided it was better if he push me away and take a break. No explanation, no information about his issues, he just needs a break. I would never force him to tell me anything, but it is better for him to push me away during this time? We were having constant arguments for a few weeks, but a few days prior to the break I pushed it all aside and only focused on his feelings.

I haven't been in contact with him for almost a week and I am conflicted on what to do. I don't even know if we are still together. Its killing me everyday not knowing where we stand and whether or not i'm waiting on nothing. As this being my first relationship, I don't know if this is something that is "normal" or just a roadway to a breakup. If I do contact him, what would be the right thing to say? I don't want to make this all about our relationship, as I understand he is going through some things. As he is the one who requested this break, is it even a good idea to contact him; or do I wait for him to talk first?

reposted with length of relationship in title.

my gf is making me feel unwanted. she dismisses me, makes me feel like she’s irritated to be around me, and treats me passive aggressively.
when i address it, it very often gets turned back onto me.

my tone is wrong, the way i bring it up is wrong, or she finds a way to insult me for the way im trying to resolve an issue.

the thing is, im very careful with my wording, and i try to be extremely careful with my tonality even when im frustrated.

i use statements like:

“when you said this, i felt dismissed”
“when this happened, i felt like it was unfair to attack my character”

i know my tone isn’t perfect. but when i ask her to help me with specifics so that i can change it, she can’t give me any examples.

sometimes i get hollow apologies with no substance behind them, with no behavior changes.

she claims that she doesn’t mean to, that she can’t see it, etc. but i can tell a stark difference from how she used to treat me to now.

i’ve given her multiple opportunities to tell me what’s wrong but she reassures me that she wants the relationship.

she always tells me “nothing is wrong” when i check in with her.

she never comes back to repair after any disagreement we have, claiming she wants to just “let things blow over until it feels okay again”

i feel like im stuck in a dynamic where i can’t repair, i have to put up with being treated like im unwanted, and im insulted and given a moving target to fix my approach.

all while being reassured that she wants the relationship and doesn’t mean to make me feel unwanted.

i don’t know what to do. i’ve never had this issue with anyone else ive dated and im confused. is there something i can do to try to understand how to communicate better? i feel like im carrying all of the emotional labor in this relationship because of this, and feeling like im the only one trying to maintain the connection.

tl;dr: gf treats me poorly and then accuses me of having a bad tone or wording when i bring it up. we don’t repair and trying to talk to her about it is like pulling teeth. but she reassures me that she wants the relationship. i’m confused and wondering if im the problem.

My girlfriend (23F) has been struggling a lot with depression lately, a lot because of university, and so have I (23F). Every time she has a setback with studying she comes to me and tells me about it (as she should) but she’s also been saying that I’m not comforting her well enough.

In which, i do have to agree. Comforting has never been my strongest thing because I’ve went my whole life not being comforted so it’s hard for me to repay that. Usually when she tells me what she’s struggling with, I respond with “i get that” “what can I do to help” you get the gist. She has told me that she wants to feel validated and listened to but I feel like I have been doing that but not to her standards, I’m guessing.

I understand what she’s going through but I don’t know what to say to her to make her feel a bit better. I know no one wants to hear constant “it’ll get better” or “you’ve got this”, it gets annoying.

Is this worth continuing our relationship? It’s been two years and I love her deeply and she does too. Are these the types of ups and downs we should power through?

TL;DR: Girlfriend says I can’t comfort her well enough and I don’t know how to

So to start, my partner is not good with feelings. He's not good with his or other people's (he thinks it might be autism). And I understand that, but I've been having a small problem with it recently. We've been together 1 year and 7 months.

Recently, no matter what I tell him, almost everything that sounds like slight complaining (how I hate a class, I'm hungry, I'm tired, things like that), or even when I try to vent, it's all been met with an 'I'm sorry' and nothing more. It's genuinely starting to piss me off because whenever he gets upset, or anything of the sort, I try my best to comfort him, give him solutions, or even give him other things to think about. But when it comes to me I'm starting to feel like he's just using the apology as a quick way to get out of actually having to comfort me.

I've literally seen him comfort our friends better than he has me, and it's upsetting because I'm his partner, I'm the one who he said he wants to marry and spend the rest of his life with, but he makes me feel like I can't come to him for things because all I'll get is an apology I don't want. Even the other day, I was bawling my eyes out about my deceased grandma and childhood dog who both died this year. He gave me a quick hug, an apology, and then he tried to show me funny videos. I would've laughed if it was maybe something stupid, like if I was crying for no reason. But it feels like he doesn't take me seriously.

I need help on how to talk to him about it. Like I mentioned earlier, he's not good with emotions, so if I try to go head first into it I might upset him a lot. I need a way to bring it up without risking something happening, please 💔 I want to try and fix this because I do love him and I really do care about him, I just can't take this anymore.

TLDR; Partner apologizes way too much, I don't feel like I'm being taken seriously. I need help talking to him without accidentally causing more problems

I’m 16 F and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now- (also 16 F) starting in freshman year and we’re juniors now.

I love him a lot. We have been through a lot. We met in middle school, and he saw me with a guy that really treated me wrongly. Despite that he supported me and eventually he moved and we parted ways in highschool. I then sent him a text back mid-way into freshman year and we hit it off again. I realized how much he liked me and I grew my love for him.

We’re here now, I’ve met his whole family and he’s met mine, we’ve been through so much and experienced different things together. I know I want. him to be mine forever. I imagine being with him as adults and just really really happy together.

He doesn’t have any other cons other than the fact of well- he doesn’t spend time with me or check up on me. And to some people that’s fine, but to me I desire quality time. I thrive on small messages asking how I am and check ups- it makes me feel heavily appreciated. And I’m finding out more and more that I really do love him more than me.

And I’m okay with me loving him more, but it’s just the fact that he really doesn’t check up on me and we have been barely finding time for eachother.

I find myself waiting for him, to get home, but then he has something else, and then something else. And no update the whole time until night time.

And you might be thinking how did I survive this whole way like this? I didn’t! When we met of course we had so much more time together but now actually getting into college related stuff and I have a job, it just seems like we don’t have time. Our schedules don’t mix.

And you also might be thinking- oh this is such an easy fix. But it isn’t. We tried meeting in the middle and finding a day where we can call and just chit chat but it seems to never work and I’m just…tired

It hurts me a lot. It really does. My heart aches and when I call him and try to tell him how I feel well- he’s actually too tired. And that hurts even more. Because he just is physically exhausted but I’m mentally exhausted and I feel like I’m just too much for him.

I’m someone who loves hard and it just feels like I’m not appreciated anymore and I don’t know what to do anymore other than to tell him. I mean as I type this I told him how I wish he texted me about an update instead of just no contact until he’s actually free. He’s the one who goes quiet when there’s some type of conflict and he got quiet, and I asked if he understood my POV and he said “yes I do” and I asked what he’s doing and he just said he’s really tired trying to sleep.

I feel so bad. And I know I’m still young and have so much to look forward too but I really fucking love him. It’s just I see no point if he treats me so well and spoils me, and when we see eachother in person it’s really fun.

Also, we don’t go to the same school so afterschool talks are really the only time we have together. Furthermore I have strict Asian parents that only allow me to see him once a month.

And I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this but I also don’t know why I should suffer when I’m still so young. Imagine I break up with him later that’ll be worse.

But I think what really just gets me in the end is that he isn’t really that hurt by being apart. He even told me himself that he can go weeks without talking and I know a healthy relationship is being able to live without eachother but damn. Like what? It’s just. It hurts a lot. I desire to talk to you everyday and of course I can survive but, wow.

Anyway let me know what you guys think. Advice to move forward!. I wanna know what yall think tho, thanks! Anything you guys would have to say is appreciated

TL;DR I’m 16 years old and need advice on what I should take as the next steps with my almost 2 year relationship with my bf (who is also 16) I feel like I’m not appreciated and I feel alone.