I have been recently officially diagnosed with OCPD and ADHD. A long time ago, I realized that I was very harsh on myself, putting unrealistic standards in every aspect of my life that I had to meet and getting devastated if I couldn't meet them. If I did meet them, I would feel an extremely short-lived sense of relief, and then the target would move. The cycle would start over.

Having ADHD and living in a place where I have no access to psychotherapy and barely have access to a psychiatrist definitely hasn't helped, although I have been taking medication (an SSRI antidepressant) and trying to cope.

What I have recently realized through self-reflection is that I see the whole world through the same lens I use to look at myself: perfectionism. I go nuts when things don't go the way I assume they are supposed to, whether it's family behavior, my country's status, school, dating, etc.

My current biggest concern is dating. I have noticed a pattern, and I am wondering if I am alone in experiencing this. I wish someone could help me.

Six months ago, my first real romantic relationship ended. It was a long-distance relationship. At the time, my ex and I had been talking for a while. I sent her a photo of myself, and she sent me an image of herself. I found her cute, although I didn't get the chance to look at the image properly at first because she deleted it quickly, as she was very insecure about her appearance. Eventually, she let me keep the image, and all of a sudden, I started having doubts: Is this what my life partner is supposed to look like? I had always assumed she would be gorgeous.

I brushed the thought off, tried to continue the relationship, and decided to give it a chance. However, the idea kept coming back relentlessly. I used to spend entire days looking at her image and wondering whether she was attractive enough. I kept looking at the faces of every girl I came across in the streets, on the internet, or anywhere else, comparing them and wondering whether I would be happier if my girlfriend looked like one of them.

I kept showing her image to people in my inner circle, waiting for some kind of validation. No matter what they said, whether positive, negative, or neutral, it would calm me temporarily, but then I would become even more obsessed.

I even kept thinking about what people would think when they saw us together. Would they say I was lucky? Would they envy me? Would they not care? Or would they think less of me because I didn't have a conventionally attractive partner? It's worth noting that I hate looking at myself in the mirror or taking pictures of myself.

It was a shit show. I was torn apart by guilt. I kept ruminating about how superficial and disloyal I was, and I kept blaming myself and putting myself in her shoes until I felt tightness in my chest and could barely breathe at one point.

I just couldn't help feeling bad for her. I wished I weren't like that, and I felt pity for her. The idea of breaking up with her haunted me daily. Eventually, I figured that maybe I should end the relationship, but I thought to myself that people look different in real life than they do in pictures. Maybe I should meet her face-to-face before deciding. So, I travelled to meet her.

I was terrified, constantly thinking about what I would do if I didn't find her appealing in real life. When we finally met, I felt very comfortable looking at her. My eyes liked what they saw, and I thought to myself that she was good-looking enough that I would feel comfortable being intimate with her.

It was a very sweet time. I was relieved that I wouldn't have to break things off and break her heart. I finally felt content in the relationship. However, after I went home and we had our first argument following our date, the obsessions and chest tightness came back even stronger.

What made it even more confusing was that I felt lust when talking to her. I fantasized about being intimate with her, and I even masturbated to thoughts of her. We kept having arguments and fighting until the relationship eventually fell apart and we drifted apart.

I learned what I thought was a lesson from the experience: I must be superficial. I should never make a move or get involved with anyone again until I find the most attractive girl I can possibly get.

I noticed a pattern. I can easily find a girl attractive, but when I start thinking of her as my one and only partner for life, I feel suffocated and start thinking, Meh, she's not the perfect partner.

I even started having disturbing thoughts about how I could keep my future partner young and beautiful by providing her with hormone replacement therapy, or how I might choose an adult who is noticeably younger than me so that she would remain more attractive in comparison to me. For example, having a 20-year-old partner when I'm 30.

I even went so far as to consider being in a polygamous relationship because it's allowed where I live. That way, I wouldn't have to worry about whether my choice was attractive enough, whether I was missing out on someone better, or whether I had made the wrong decision.

Time passed, and I eventually forgot about the whole thing. I was no longer anxious about it. Then I met another girl. We are neighbors, and we had been bumping into each other by chance. We got to know each other better and became friends.

From the beginning, it was clear that she wasn't my type in terms of appearance. She's average-looking, but as time passed, we grew closer, and I started enjoying seeing and meeting her. I feel that she has started to like me too, although she is waiting for me to make the first move.

However, the horror of my first experience is still haunting me. I doubt on a daily basis whether she is the right partner. I feel that I would be doing her a disservice by pursuing anything romantic with her.

I keep thinking: What if I enter the relationship and end up repeating the same experience? Why not leave her for someone who is 100% certain that she is the most attractive woman in the world?

Does anyone relate to this? Can someone tell me what the solution might be? Is what I'm feeling normal? Is this OCPD, or am I just being vile? Can therapy help me overcome this if I ever travel abroad and gain access to it?

I have a gift,
but I don't know if it is a gift.

I have the gift of hyper-focus.
I'm in flow in a blink.
It shines when the path is clear.
It creates chaos in waves.

It needs an object to fixate on.
It needs something to obsess.
It follows an image in my head
and not really what I am.

The gift has won me trophies and medals.
The gift made me survive things
I'd not wish upon my worst enemy,
like an animal about to die of thirst,
like a stunted tree that shines bright
only to impress the gardener
so it won't be dewatered.

It has also cost me
things beyond repair.

I only lived in the past or the future.
I only lived in guilt or relief.
I don't feel days because I don't live them.
I don't enjoy the trophies
because they only brought relief.

The gift turned inward
and consumed me.
The praises became
the laughs in my head.

The gift gave me years
in bonus
only to take them away.

Being in it is
being possessed.
For it to obsess,
it kills you
in the promise
of what you are not.

Is it a soul
or a demon
someone should exorcise?

I was once an explorer.
The gift exists only in pages.
All goals have been achieved.
All years have been lost.
Love is lost.

I'm diagnosed with OCPD and have undiagnosed ADHD. I love hoarding data, reading articles but then I'll have lots and lots of doubts while reading one and I open a lot of tabs of articles, reddit threads, yt videos etc to understand the topic. Since I'm a farmer and freelancer I dont have enough time to read them and I need to be in a silent environment, literally 0 person around me to disturb, literally 0 upcoming events/errands only then I can read them. So I try watching the videos while eating but either I can't retain any information or I eat for hours without knowing, so it's a loss-loss

My medications (SSRI) for Dysthymia is over and I'm yet to visit my therapist for ADHD and OCPD. But in the meantime I have 2k+ tabs, 10k+ media to consume (if I dont then it's literally useless), and since I'm also a communist (newbie) I can't avoid reading and understanding current affairs, This issue is literally affecting my work, personal life and mind. If you know something that would help me in this please give me suggestions. TIA

Genuine question. I haven't done anything crazy, but got inspired by a similar post for another disorder.

Of course if someone comes along (rare) that fits my every box and doesn’t disappoint me and disgust me (yes I’m being dramatic) then sure I’ll think about it but I really can’t see it happening

Having untreated OCPD and trauma was like having an unhealed wound, and rushing around trying to get a million tasks done while the wound became infected.

TRAUMA AND PERSONALITY DISORDERS

“Personality disorders are not character flaws…They are emotional survival systems.” Akindotun Merino

A study by Battle, Shea, Johnson, et al. (2004) of 600 individuals with PD diagnoses found that 73% of participants reported childhood physical/sexual abuse, and 82% reported neglect. ("Childhood Maltreatment Associated With Adult Personality Disorders")

A therapist explained why she and her colleagues are hesitant to label people with personality disorders: "Oftentimes, personality disorders are misunderstood by patients and can instill hopelessness and be self-defeating. Over the years, as our understanding of mental illness has improved, these diagnoses do not have to be a life sentence and are treatable but if a client believes they aren't able to be treated, it complicates therapy."

She reports that many therapists are "moving away from diagnosing personality disorders the more we understand the impact of trauma. Many trauma reactions can manifest as what appears to be a personality disorder and oftentimes it's more effective to treat the underlying trauma than to label it as a personality disorder.”

TRAUMA AND PERFECTIONISM

In The Perfection Trap (2023), Thomas Curran states that hundreds of studies show that “perfectionism is a well-documented coping mechanism against mistreatment.” (248-49)

In The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control (2023), Katherine Morgan Schafler explains that “Perfectionism as a response to abuse and neglect is not only about wanting to be loved but about surviving. Your caregivers aren’t just there to be your cheerleaders and give you hugs; they also give you food, shelter, and clothing—you’re totally dependent on them. When that primal attachment isn’t secure, being anything less than whatever their perfect version of you is can feel imminently dangerous. Walking-into-traffic dangerous." (106)

Schafler recalls, "I started my career in social work; doing home visits to check on kids who may be living in abusive environments was part of my job. I’ll never forget the chilling advice my boss gave me before I went into the field for the first time. She said, ‘Look for the kids who are behaving perfectly, those are the ones who are terrified.’ “ (106)

In "The Myth of Perfection," Dr. Allan Mallinger theorizes that children who later develop OCPD construct a myth of absolute personal control in reaction to feeling helpless in a home environment that is "untrustworthy, hostile and unpredictable." They have a relentless drive to minimize the disorder of the world "through ever rigorous control of the internal and external environment."

OCPD AND THE NEED FOR CERTAINTY

The human brain interprets familiar situations as safer than novel situations because they are more predictable. In a study, Dr. Emily Gray and her colleagues concluded that "intolerance of uncertainty" is a factor that may explain the association between child abuse and neglect and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Traits. ("Child Abuse and Neglect and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Traits: Effect of Attachment, Intolerance of Uncertainty, and Metacognition")

A child who is being abused might conclude that uncertainty = danger and certainty = safety. This belief can help them stay on guard in an unsafe environment. In adulthood, this unconscious belief causes many problems.

CASE STUDY: PERFECTIONISM AND TRAUMA

This case study illustrates how perfectionism can be a risk factor for PTSD. “Kate describes herself before the sexual assault as being a perfectionist...and she had always excelled in her studies and work. After the trauma she reported significant rumination over the event, focusing on why it should have happened to her, what she should have done differently, and feeling like a failure for not having done something different to avoid the attack.

"Kate also reported feeling that she had failed to meet her standards of being in control of her life and her emotional states, saying she viewed the PTSD symptoms she was experiencing as a sign of her failure to be strong and in control, and that she should cope better. She said she was also feeling like a failure at work, performing below her standards as she was spending a lot of time ruminating over the trauma and feeling anxious.” (“The Relationship Between Perfectionism And Rumination In Posttraumatic Stress Disorder,” Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, pg. 6)

"If you're raised in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire." Anonymous

RESOURCE

Trauma Responses Disguised as Personality Traits (and How to Shift Them)

I just finished Jeffrey Lieberman's book about the history of psychiatry. He's a former Head of the American Psychiatric Association, the organization that publishes The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM V)--the reference book for mental health providers in the U.S.

Dr. Lieberman wrote about the seven year process of revising the DSM for the 5th edition, published in 2013. Patient advocacy groups used the internet to lobby for the process to be more transparent to the general public. See the reply for the current diagnostic criteria.

I will look into how to advocate for changes to the OCPD criteria. What grade do you give the DSM Criteria?

NAME CHANGE

The name of OCPD needs to be changed to distinguish it from OCD. Misdiagnosis is a major issue, and clinical obsessions are not a symptom of OCPD.

HOARDING

Hoarding is not a common trait of people with OCPD. Because people tend to question their OCPD diagnosis when they don't have all eight symptoms, I think hoarding should be removed.

People with OCPD could have a co-morbid diagnosis of hoarding disorder.

DIMENSIONAL VIEW

Changing from the categorical view of personality disorders to the dimensional view would be an excellent update but it's probably a long shot. I think this issue was debated and voted down for the DSM V. Debate About Personality Disorders Among Professionals

EXCESSIVE DOUBT AND CAUTION

Outside the U.S., mental health providers often use the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10). The ICD lists "excessive doubt and caution" as a symptom of OCPD (called Anankastic Personality Disorder).

Excessive doubt and caution is a common characteristic of people with OCPD. Dr. Megan Neff believes that the core feature of OCPD is “an ever-looming sense of impending failure, where individuals constantly anticipate things going wrong, a flaw being exposed, or a profound loss of control. [It causes frequent] self-doubt, doubt of others, and doubt of the world at large..."

DEMAND-SENSITIVITY AND DEMAND-RESISTANCE

Demand-sensitivity and demand-resistance could be listed as a new symptom. In Too Perfect (1992), Dr. Allan Mallinger observes that OCPD causes a “special sensitivity to perceived demands or expectations…[Many of my clients are] sensitive to demands, either real or imagined…[and have a] tendency to ‘hear’ demands or expectations in an exaggerated way...[They are often very] attuned to unstated obligations hearing them as if they were shouted through a bullhorn...

"Demand-resistance is a chronic and automatic negative inner response to the perception of pressure, expectations, or demands (from within or without).”

Dr. Mallinger has provided therapy to people with OCPD for 50 years; he created the terms demand-sensitivity and demand-resistance after observing these issues in many clients with OCPD.

What changes to the OCPD criteria would you like to see in the sixth edition of the DSM?

i brought up ocpd and ocpd recently with my therapist (who specializes in adult autism (why im seeing them) and ocpd (which i learned at the end of this appointment) while there is a lot of overlap with ocpd and autism in the outward presentation, my therapist does think it's likely i have ocpd. but something they brought up when discussing the symptoms was that a lot of the symptoms i have are overshadowed by my people pleasing tendencies (that im working on)

i was wondering if anyone else has experienced this, or or have any insight to how people pleasing affects how ocpd presents?

or navigating trying to stop people pleasing while treating ocpd?

thank you!

i often think about what the ideal life and the ideal character for a human is and try to manifest it as best i can in my own imperfect real life. it helps guide my actions in a constructive way. does anyone else do this?

Government agencies, companies, banks, and even McDonald's. Everywhere you look, there's stupidity, inefficiency, and pure waste. Lazy, stupid people who don't give a fuck about their profession.

Here are just a few examples:

Bank: "No, we can't reach out to you when we have a better offer. That would take too much time."

McDonald's: We mark your order as completed and remove it from the screen a second later, while a huge group of people is still standing around waiting for their orders. Is the system broken? No, you just want to make your stupid KPIs look better.

Domain broker with 10 million domains: "No, we can't issue a receipt with a date that matches when you purchased the service. Instead, we issue all receipts with today's date. It doesn't matter what the IRS says. It's technically impossible."

Police: "No, we can't display caller ID when we call you. That's technically impossible." Meanwhile, an impostor can spoof caller ID to display any number they want.

The level of stupidity, inefficiency, and complete lack of care for even the most basic things in 2026 is terrifying.

Sorry for the rant. How do you cope?

A woman stopped her car out front of my house, got out, and threw a bag of trash into my trash can (it was trash day so it was out on the curb). I IMMEDIATELY opened my window and yelled ‘girl use your own trash can!’ And as soon as I closed that window, I said out loud to myself ‘WHY DID YOU DO THAT BITCH’. I’m always moaning about how people litter and here’s my ass telling someone to not use mine!!! Like who the hell cares!! UGH my OCPD was just like ‘tHaT’S nOT hEr tRAsH CaN’ and I couldn’t help myself but tell her. Truly one of my most shameful moments of my life!!

It sucks when you think that your OCPD is only hurting yourself (I know that’s not great but I’d hate it to affect other people) and then something like this happens. UGHHHH I feel guilt so deeply and I really don’t want her to feel like everyone is an asshole and strangers are dicks.

Anyone with both diagnoses, any suggestions of tools/strategies that have helped or anything that has made things worse? I got on ADHD meds almost 2 years ago, and though my ADHD has improved in many ways since then (mainly academic functioning), my OCPD symptoms have become a lot worse.

Also, I know we are not allowed to give medication advice (I will consult my doc first!!), but anecdotally, are there any adhd medications that folks have found better at not worsening OCPD? (if this is not allowed, mods lmk and I'll remove it from the post).

hey everyone. could really use some honest perspective from people who deal with rigid perfectionism and the exhausting need to control their physical environment.

​every time an object in my room gets even slightly damaged—an accidental water mark on the white drywall, a tiny scratch on my wooden desk finish, a small scuff—my brain treats it like an intolerable violation of order.

​it’s not just that it looks bad. it feels like a heavy, suffocating internal rage and distress. my mind goes into this rigid overdrive: "this shouldn't have happened, this space is ruined now, i have to restore it to factory-clean perfection immediately or i can't rest."

​i waste hours taking photos under different lights to inspect the damage, pacing around the room, obsessively researching repair techniques, and getting furious at myself for letting reality leave a mark. it completely paralyzes my day. i have critical civil service exams in a few days and i'm literally burning study sessions because my brain refuses to accept that a wall can just be stained and life goes on.

​rationally i understand that demanding eternal, pristine condition from physical matter is pure madness. things decay, surfaces get scratched, everyday life leaves scars. but my nervous system reacts as if tolerating the flaw makes me sloppy, weak, or out of control.

​for those of you who managed to soften this kind of OCPD rigidity: how do you force yourself to leave the mark alone? how do you stop the endless inspections and accept that an imperfect, damaged room is still a completely functional space to live in?

​really need some grounded advice on breaking this cycle.

Hey guys after being on sertraline for 4 months, last full month at 200mg, I had to change my brand. I was somewhere out and couldn't get the same brand.

After taking the medicine i started to feel dizzy, brainzaps all day long and I lost my sleep. Can't sleep more than 4 hrs a day and my sleep has become light. I feel like my mind is dragging me and my body on the floor towards anything but try to sleep. I have also started to wake up in the middle of night terrified for no apparent reason.

The brainzaps have declined quite a lot now which is a relief.

I have an appointment in 3 days and I am getting worse. It has been 10 days and it is going downhill.

One good thing is I am a bit calm and have space to process things. Yes even after being sleep deprived. If someone has any insight or experience please consider helping. 🙏🏻

Used humour as flair, but it's not a joke.

Currently finishing university. I enjoy my subject area but my brain ruins things, especially big research projects and makes them hellish.

I kinda yearn to "give up" and switch to some simple non-"academic" job where its hands on and doesn't require a lot of thinking so my obsessiveness can't ruin it. I'm gonna try and get some help but sometimes I dream of getting a job like that after I graduate, even if just temporarily.

I’ll start off by saying I know this comes from growing up in an abusive household & how that shaped my thinking patterns into OCPD. I learned very early on that I would experience consequences for doing things wrong. Dropping the ball, lying, having an attitude, etc. Anything I could do wrong very well could and would likely have a negative punishment of some kind, whether that be emotional, physical, etc.

As I’ve grown into an adult who can choose who I spend my time around, I’ve realized there’s obviously much less that most normal non-abusive people can actually do whenever someone does something wrong. Unless an actual crime is committed, there’s not really any recourse except for telling someone “I didn’t like that”, which sometimes can lead to changed behavior, but can also lead to someone shrugging it off and never doing anything differently.

That all being said, I am dumbfounded and pretty enraged that I hold myself to an insanely high standard (out of fear of The Consequences) and others might not and there’s just… nothing that happens, because The Consequences aren’t usually real in day to day life. People get away with some annoying, cruel, inadequate, and so many other things with little to no recourse other than someone maybe telling them “I don’t like that” and them having the free will to shrug it off.

Does anyone else struggle with this? How do I redirect this anger?

I suppressed my feelings for decades before receiving treatment for OCPD and trauma. I had no idea that I had a problem because my abusers and sister suppressed their feelings too. The unspoken rule in my childhood home was to repress feelings and focus on achievement. I joke that I'm a recovering thinkaholic. I started to work on increasing awareness of my feelings by paying attention to my body sensations (e.g. breathing, tension). Keeping an audio journal has helped with maintaining my progress.

From Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect (2019), Jonice Webb, Chritine Musello:

Understanding The Purpose and Value of Your Emotions (pgs. 120-22)

“Neuroscientists have studied extensively the evolutionary development of the human brain. For humans, the ability to feel emotion evolved millions of years before the ability to think. Human emotions originate in the limbic system, which is buried deep below the cerebral cortex, the section of the brain where thought originates. In this way, our feelings are a more basic part of who we are than our thoughts…Our emotions cannot be erased, and will not be denied, any more than we can erase or deny our hunger or thirst.”

“For every emotion, there is a purpose. Emotions are incredibly useful tools to help us adapt, survive, and thrive. People who were emotionally neglected were trained to try to erase, deny, push underground…this invaluable built-in feedback system. Because they are not listening to their emotions, they are operating at a disadvantage from the rest of us. Pushing away this vital source of information makes you vulnerable...” (122)

“Sometimes, especially to emotionally neglected people, emotions feel like a burden…[but] emotion is necessary for survival. Emotions tell us when we are in danger, when to run, when to fight and what is worth fighting for. Emotions are our body’s way of communicating with us and driving us to do things.”

DON'T BLAME THE MESSENGER

In the video "The Myth of Perfect Regulation," Heidi Priebe suggests that viewers ask themselves, “Do I know how to listen to my emotions as messengers even when they are telling me something I don't want to hear?”

My feelings provide valuable information about my needs and circumstances. I no longer view uncomfortable feelings as a ‘problem.’ Instead, I view them as possibly indicating issues that need to be addressed. If I fully experience them (instead of overthinking), I’m more likely to make healthy decisions.

Two things can be true. I don’t want this feeling. It’s telling me something important. Experiencing uncomfortable feelings isn’t a problem; the situations provoking those feelings may be problematic.

BENEFITS OF LABELING FEELINGS

Studies indicate that habitually labeling feelings has a positive impact on mental health. Dr. Dan Siegel created the phrase "name it to tame it" to refer to how labeling feelings promotes emotional regulation. Neuroimaging studies show that labeling emotions reduces activity in the amygdala, resulting in a calming effect.

From Atlas of the Heart (2021), Brene Brown:

“Language is our portal to meaning-making, connection, healing, learning, and self-awareness. Gaining access to the right words can open up entire universes. When we don’t have the language to talk about what we’re experiencing, our ability to make sense of what’s happening and share it with others is severely limited. Without accurate language, we struggle to get the help we need, we don’t always regulate or manage our emotions and experiences in a way that allows us to move through them productively, and our self-awareness is diminished.” (xxi)

BEING PRESENT WITH FEELINGS

From Gary Trosclair's The Healthy Compulsive (2020):

“Avoiding feelings…cuts you off from a source of direction and wisdom. Each of these feelings can serve as a warning sign that something is out of balance.” (65)

“To move toward the healthier end of the compulsive spectrum, you will need to stop avoiding emotions with busy-ness and instead allow them to flow into consciousness. Once you’re aware of what you’re feeling, you can decide how to respond to it. If you don’t, you’ll be driven by forces you aren’t aware of. Emotions are a necessary element in change...

"While it is true for everyone that avoiding feelings can make the feelings more disturbing, people who suffer from OCPD are particularly prone to a cycle of negative emotions…if they don’t slow down to deal with them…People who are driven have energy and a capacity for intense work that give them a way to avoid their feelings that’s socially sanctioned and rewarded. Avoiding emotions may seem beneficial at first, but over time it can lead to a rut of anger, disappointment, and cynicism.

"But what does it mean to listen to feelings? It means to allow the feeling to rise into consciousness long enough to really experience it, to understand what’s bothering you, to develop the capacity to tolerate the feeling, and to see if there is anything to learn from it…For most compulsives, this will need to be deliberate; you’re likely to rush into doing rather than feeling, and consequently you miss both disturbing and positive feelings.” (59-60)

WORRY VS. ANXIETY

People sometimes worry to reduce their anxiety. They distract themselves from distressing mental images, and physical sensations caused by anxiety. In How To Be Enough (2024), Dr. Ellen Hendriksen explains that “worry and rumination are cognitive methods of engaging with emotion that keep us in an abstract, intellectual, verbal headspace in an attempt to control and avoid the physiological activation of anxiety. Worry and rumination might feel bad…[but] anxiety feels worse.” (226)

RESOURCES

Videos on Worry

Videos on Overthinking

How to Stop Ruminating and Overcome Social Anxiety

“Name It To Tame It”: Fueling Mental Health Recovery By Finding Your Feelings, Part 2

Dr. Dan Siegel created the phrase "name it to tame it" to refer to how labeling feelings promotes emotional regulation. Neuroimaging studies show that labeling emotions reduces activity in the amygdala, resulting in a calming effect.

“What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” “The only way out is through.” Carl Jung

HEALTHY PERSPECTIVES ON EMOTIONS

From The DBT Skills Handbook (2025), Marsha Linehan, pg. 40

-Emotions are neither good or bad, right or wrong. Feelings just ARE. They exist. It is not helpful to judge your emotions.

-There is a difference between having an emotion and doing something or acting on the emotion.

-Emotions don’t last forever. No matter what you’re feeling, eventually, it will lift and another emotion will take it’s place.

-When a strong emotion comes, you do not have to act on your feeling. All you need to do is recognize the emotion and feel it.

-Emotions are not facts. When emotions are very powerful they feel just like “the truth”.

-You cannot get rid of emotions because they serve important survival functions. Be willing to radically accept your emotions as they arise.

CONSEQUENCES OF HABITUALLY SUPPRESSING EMOTIONS

From Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect (2019), Jonice Webb, Christine Musello, pg. 123:

“Emotions can do a variety of interesting things when they are pushed underground or ignored. They can:

-become physical symptoms like GI distress, headaches, or back pain Chronic Pain and Perfectionism

-turn into depression, causing problems with eating, sleep, memory, concentration, or social isolation

-sap your energy

-cause you to explode at random times, or blow up ‘over nothing’

-aggravate anxiety and/or panic attacks

-keep your relationships and friendships superficial and lacking in depth

-make you feel empty and unfulfilled

-cause you to question the purpose and value of your own life

OCPD AND BEHAVIORS THAT SUPPRESS EMOTIONS

People with OCPD have a higher than average rate of substance use and other numbing behaviors.

In The Healthy Compulsive (2020), Gary Trosclair noted that people with OCPD “are particularly vulnerable to becoming addicted to the use of computers, tablets, mobile phones, and the internet. Because you’re capable of shutting everything else out and focusing intently, and because you feel the need to be thorough, without realizing it you may become more attached to devices than to people or other sources of gratification.

"You may think that you’re doing something for your own sake, but instead you’ve entered a trance and gotten sucked into something you hadn’t intended to. Your never-ending quest for completion and solutions may lead you to check out every web page on the internet that …Because you may intensely seek answers or solutions, the internet can grab your attention and never let it go.” (109-10)

SUPPRESSION OF POSITIVE FEELINGS

“That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." John Green

“The longest journey you’ll ever make is the journey from the head to the heart.” Lissa Rankin

Brene Brown explains, "We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions. Studies show that suppressing emotions doesn't actually get rid of them. It just stores them in the body. When we refuse to process sadness, it often resurfaces as anxiety, stress, even physical pain…I'd rather face my emotions on my own terms than let them ambush me down the road…When we refuse to let ourselves hurt, we refuse to let ourselves heal.”

In The Pursuit of Perfect (2009), Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar explains that “when we do not allow ourselves to experience painful emotions, we limit our capacity for happiness. All our feelings flow along the same emotional pipeline, so when we block painful emotions, we are also indirectly blocking pleasurable ones. And these painful emotions only expand and intensify when they aren’t released. When they finally break through—and they eventually do break through in one way or another—they overwhelm us” (xvii)

METAPHORS

Some people conceptualize their thoughts and feelings as weather to remind themselves they are temporary and can be observed without judgment. People who meditate sometimes visualize themselves as a mountain and view their thoughts as clouds passing by.

In Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder (1993), Marsha Linehan states that “borderline patients are so fearful of emotions, especially negative ones, that they try to avoid them by blocking their experience of the emotions. That is, they avoid emotional cues and inhibit the experience of emotions; thus, they have no opportunity to learn that when unfettered, emotions come and go…like waves of water coming in from the sea onto the beach.

"Left alone, the water comes in and goes out. The emotion-phonic patient tries to keep the waves from coming in by building a wall, but instead of keeping the water out, the wall actually traps the water inside the walls [intensifying the feelings]. Taking down the wall is the solution.” (345)

I took very small, consistent steps to "lower the wall" that suppressed my feelings. I think of suppressing feelings like putting a lid on a pot of boiling water; it only make the water hotter.

RESOURCES

How to Process Emotional Numbness and Dissociation

“Name It To Tame It”: Fueling Mental Health Recovery By Finding Your Feelings, Part 1

I’m in my late 20s, and I’ve noticed that I think about my own death quite often. Whenever I see news about someone dying or watch a movie where someone dies, I start wondering how I’m going to die.

Will I grow old, get sick, and die peacefully? Or will I die suddenly in a car accident, fall from somewhere, or experience something brutal and unexpected?

What gets to me is that the people who die unexpectedly probably never saw it coming either. They had plans, routines, and things they wanted to do. They were just living their lives, and then suddenly, everything ended.

I start wondering when it will be my turn and how it will happen. I know there’s no way to predict it, but I find myself thinking about these possibilities and feeling anxious about the uncertainty.

I’m curious whether anyone else with OCPD experiences this. Is it the uncertainty of not knowing when or how it will happen that bothers you, or is it more about the fear of death itself?

I’d like to hear about other people’s experiences and how they deal with these thoughts.