TW!! There is no tag for actually upsetting topic but trigger warning

I was diagnosed with anorexia back in March and I have been in outpatient recovery since then. But I am so resistant to recovery. I have an eating plan but I still hide food when I can. I don't want to put in the effort to recover. There's no point. Why should I put in the effort for a life I hardly want? The eating disorder has got me out of school, that's great. It has stopped me from seeing my dad which is even better. And if anything, I've developed closer friendships in the last few months than ever before. Everybody is waiting for something to click inside me but I don't think it's going to. And when it does, I'll probably act on my suicidal thoughts. I actually like my body now. I really fucking love it. I love it so much. I don't want to change it. Why should I? I'm not even suffering from any health complications from it. For once I actually like myself and now they're forcing me to change

Same as the title?

I've been recovering from long-ish-term malnutrition for around six months. And I've mostly gotten past the psychological issues of eating and am now working on regaining my appetite. I want to be getting the proper amounts of nutrients without overdoing of course in this stage. And educating myself on the nutrients i should be giving myself has been beneficial for my recovery somehow (maybe because it feels like progress im not sure) so i looked into getting a nutritionist or someone like that and i just can't afford it. Especially after the therapy i practically put myself in debt to get better. So I need alternative ways to stay on track. ive been looking into different apps but I'm not sure if thats a good method for this type of thing. so if anyone has advice on either an app or some way I can do this without bankruptcy, that would be nice.

Really struggling with eating more food daily and constantly fall short of calorie targets because I get scared to have snacks to top me up on calories as I don’t track my macros so don’t feel like it’s okay for me eat snacks so restrict the amount I can have

I guess what I’m asking is in eating disorder recovery just how much does macros matter or is it just the case of eat whatever you can to hit goals no matter when or what?

Any advice and tips would be amazing

37 yr old male here. I need help. For the last ten or so years of my life I severely avoid eating until about 10pm each day, and then I binge. I am scared to eat because if I do something bad will happen. I only eat when I know that everyone else is asleep, I cant be reached, and when I feel psychplogically safe enough to do so. Its causing me issues after work, keep getting dizzy spells, feel physically exhausted all the time. Its starting to stress me out, ive tried to eat during the day but i get so full of fear and panic that I end up just not trying to eat, it is so much easier for me when I feel starved. I need help i dont know where to go or who to talk to

I live in Australia, and have an eating disorder.

I have struggled with this ED for years, however I am much better now. I no longer have a bad relationship with food, however I still struggle with my body image, and regularly think about going back into bad habits. My situation was that I knew what I was doing to myself, and I did it anyway, I pushed myself anyway, and it was never enough.

I have since gained weight, not medically obese, but I'm bigger than I've been in my entire lifetime. For the first time in my life, i was told i have fatty liver and insulin resistance, but not diabetic.

I was immediately perscribed a GLP 1 to lose weight and help insulin.

i asked for a second opinion from another gp, explaining my ED, and that Im not confident or comfortable in taking GLP 1. They just said it is a tool, and it works well.

I asked my psych, my dietition and even my personal trainer, and they all agreed that without an actual plan, a goal and support, GLP 1 is not for me.

i know that if i see the scale go down, it will trigger me, i dont believe it will end with the set goal, i feel like i will misuse and abuse it. i'll know what i am doing to myself and do it anyway.

why was it so easy to get a prescription?

i know im not physically struggling with my ED, but it is still a mental and emotional struggle that still actively affects me.

I just want to know, if you’re recovered/in recovery, what’s worked for you?
Literally anything- practical advice, routines, food habits, affirmations/things you keep in mind, absolutely anything at all, whatever disorder(s) you’ve been through.
Even if it feels like something small when you actually type it up, or even if you feel like you’re not ‘doing well in recovery’ i want to hear it all!
Just, if you feel like something has helped you in your journey in any way, please share it.
I’m really struggling and I just feel so lost at the moment, I could really do with some advice and shared experience of other people in similar situations. This illness fucking sucks, and I hate everything about myself but I can’t always bring myself to try my hardest which is what makes me fail every time.
I hope other people are doing better than I am at the moment.

I already posted this in a more specific community, but I wanted to post it here too just to hear more perspectives!
(I hope thats allowed)

hello! i’m 17 F and i struggled with anorexia for many years and been in and out of treatment for it. i grew up overweight and got bullied a lot for it and then when i entered high school, i developed anorexia. it’s absolutely ruined my life. i don’t go to in person school anymore, i don’t have friends, i’ve developed co-occurring mental illnesses from it, and i barely leave my house. i almost lost my life to it last year so i finally wanted to get better for myself, but i didn’t do it with any guidance because my parents said they didn’t want to spend any more money on professional help. the past year and a half, i’ve gained a lot of weight. like way more than i’m comfortable with and i’ve become a bullying target again. the ED voice definitely is still in my head and it makes me feel dumb when i say i struggle with eating when it definitely doesn’t look like i do. i want to lose weight but i know how easy it is to slip back into unhealthy habits. i keep telling myself that I’m stronger than this, but there’s a part of he that is scared it’ll get bad again if i even attempt to lose weight. i’m reaching out here to see if anyone has any advice or guidance for a situation like this.

Im just at my wits end by now, I've just been extremely stressed with school and I've been binging nonstop for the part two weeks or more. Today I was just standing Infront of a cake and debating whether to binge on it and you can guess what happened. I just feel like whatever I try to do I can never win this battle and the "just go on a walk" or "text a friend" is bullshit and can't do shit when my problem is I can't walk away. If anyone has gone through this situation before please lend me your knowledge cuz I can't with this anymore 😭

Hi, so this is my first post on this site. So I have been trying to heal myself from binge and purge cycle for a long period of time but always unsuccessful due to me doing it half heartedly and not enough self control/determination . However, im trying really hard this time to progress my recovery cuz I hate my life being like this. After going through what triggers my binge and purge mostly, I found 3 main points that kind of hindering my progress

First, due to my bad mindset of all or nothing, if something did not go to plan accordingly, I tend to binge and purge with the thought of starting clean tmr.

Second, after a meal, I tend to feel so uncomfortably full for 3-4 hours and it made me panic and stress, which led to a purge then led to a binge and purge after.

Last, I still count calories and still had restriction habits, which then led me to an urge but also, if I eat a food without calorie label or high calorie, I tend to panic and feel out of control. Thus, binge and purge again.

The time that I probably did not binge and purge at all was when I was out with my friends or on vacation. However, the moment I step home, I tend to binge and purge.

Also, being tired all the time (sore body) lead me to craving food that will trigger the cycle for sure.
Anyone experiencing something like this and jf so, any advise or practice I could use to help me through this recovery journey. Im really tired of it.

I’ve been struggling with AN for around 9 years now. I’m 17, and this is probably my third time relapsing, and I’ve been relapsed for around a year now. But lately, after reaching my “goal weight,” I eat what I want, I barely get disordered thoughts anymore, and I barely feel guilty. I’m just scared shitless of gaining any weight, but I don’t really like giving it much thought. I feel like I’m only experiencing some of the physical symptoms of AN. Obviously, the thoughts do still linger sometimes but they aren’t nearly as bad as they were before, and I don’t obsess over food like I did before. I know that when I was struggling with this disorder the most, I’d wish over and over to get rid of these thoughts, and now, when the ED thoughts are finally (mostly) gone, I’m just kind of…confused. And sometimes I feel like I’m invalid.

My friend, who was once anemic, is back to struggling with food after an accident. I'm very uneducated about this stuff. Does anyone have any advice how to help with nausea and getting back into eating normally?

Hola a todos. Me cuesta bastante escribir esto, pero necesito desahogarme y hablar con personas que puedan entender lo que estoy viviendo.
Llevo aproximadamente 4 o 5 años lidiando con trastornos alimentarios, concretamente anorexia y bulimia nerviosa. Estuve en tratamiento, pero mi situación cambió cuando me mudé a otro país y no continué con él. Desde entonces, siento que estoy intentando manejar todo esto por mi cuenta, y últimamente las cosas se están complicando bastante.
Mi relación con la comida vuelve a preocuparme mucho. Estoy teniendo episodios de atracones en los que siento que pierdo el control. Me dan unas ganas muy intensas de comer, empiezo a comprar comida y me cuesta detenerme. No siento que sea simplemente tener hambre o disfrutar de la comida, sino algo que a veces parece estar fuera de mi control.
También estoy vomitando dos o tres veces al día. Me preocupa muchísimo porque sé que no es normal ni saludable, y me asusta volver a caer en los mismos patrones de los que intenté salir hace años.
Hoy, por ejemplo, he calculado que he consumido aproximadamente entre 3.500 y 4.000 calorías, aunque no sé si el cálculo es exacto. Lo menciono porque me cuesta mucho manejar lo que siento después de comer y porque vuelvo a prestar demasiada atención a las cantidades y las calorías.
También tengo muchas preocupaciones relacionadas con mi cuerpo. Me fijo en la grasa que tengo en determinadas zonas, en cómo se ven mis brazos y en los cambios de mi apariencia. Incluso cuando tengo músculo, me preocupa la piel o el tejido que se mueve cuando muevo los brazos. Son cosas que quizá otras personas ni siquiera notarían, pero que a mí me generan inseguridad.
Siento que mi cabeza vuelve a estar demasiado pendiente de la comida, de mi cuerpo y de lo que debería o no debería comer. Es agotador sentir que algo que debería ser tan natural como alimentarse se convierte en una lucha constante.
Lo más difícil es que ahora vivo en otro país y no continué el tratamiento que había empezado. No sé muy bien cómo buscar ayuda en mi situación actual ni cómo explicar lo que me está pasando. A veces me pregunto si estoy volviendo al punto del que tanto me costó salir.
No escribo esto buscando que alguien me diga qué dieta seguir, cómo adelgazar o cómo compensar lo que como. Necesito escuchar a personas que hayan pasado por algo parecido y que puedan entender lo difícil que es vivir con estos pensamientos.
Me gustaría saber si alguien ha pasado por una situación similar después de haber recibido tratamiento. ¿Han sentido que volvían a recaer años después? ¿Cómo consiguieron pedir ayuda de nuevo? ¿Qué les ayudó a romper el ciclo de los atracones y los vómitos?
Me da miedo que esto vuelva a convertirse en una parte dominante de mi vida. Quiero poder comer sin sentir que estoy luchando contra mí misma y dejar de vivir tan pendiente de mi cuerpo.
Gracias a cualquiera que se tome el tiempo de leerme o compartir su experiencia. De verdad me ayudaría sentir que no soy la única que está pasando por esto.

I work in a small supermarket in a student-heavy area (UK). I've noticed this customer that comes in at least every other day, sometimes multiple times a day.

She looks quite underweight but she's always in here buying LOADS of food - like enough for multiple people for a week. But as well as that, she'll always buy 1 or 2 boxes of laxatives at a time, which is worrying bcs she's in here so often buying them ?? The other day i wanted to see if i could notice anything, and she does have marks on her knuckles but i guess they could be from anything ?? Other than that i don't have much to go off except for how ill she looks, but again i don't want to assume.

Idk if im being paranoid because ive known people with bulimia but it all just seems a bit off. Is there anything i can do ??

I'm an anorexic of 20 years in recovery right now. Before that I had BED for years, then bulimia. I've been at so many places in my life with many different addictions so I empathise with alot of you.

The only way I was able to cure my food addiction was by beginning another very harmful addiction (nicotine), which led to anorexia and a cycle of it which I was never able to fix, even for the most morally motivating reasons. It was no longer about being thin.

I'm also trying to quit nicotine as it is mostly how my anorexia is able to continue. I'm a mother now and would hate to be around my children with these behaviours which are so shameful to me.

Last time I had a healthy relationship with food was when I was 11. i'm 36, and i'm a completely different person. I don't even remember what it was like.

Would love to hear how you are attempting to recover, or have recovered.

Hey im f20, my ED has recently gotten really bad. I've gained some weight, and on top of that, I'm a full-time university student with a lot of responsibilities, so I get overwhelmed pretty easily, which doesn't help. I've also noticed that I keep drinking because I feel sad. I'm not even overweight, but it just feels like everything is piling up at once (my ED, family issues, living on my own, etc.). I drink every weekend, which I know isn't anything crazy for a university student, but the problem is that I drink because, for a little while I feel so much better. I stop overthinking everything and just feel calm. I also smoke weed for pretty much the same reason. I was always scared of 'harder' drugs but now I feel like im becoming desperate. Recently, some of my friends were talking about how amphetamines and coke made them skinny. I got triggered. I know where they're buying it and honestly it wouldn't be difficult for me to get some either. I know how risky that is but I've genuinely been struggling so much lately that part of me just wants to numb everything. I feel like I have no one to talk to and I genuinely don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't really talk to my family because they're not supportive. Something I've noticed recently is that I'll sometimes go the entire day without eating anything, just so I can drink later because alcohol makes me feel. I honestly don't know how to cope anymore. I'm aware that using to deal with my problems is risky. I feel so overwhelmed that I don't even know where to start I just needed to share it somewhere.

EDIT: I'm not in the US or Canada, btw. I'm in Europe but going to the doctors/psychologist is also hard. Waiting time is extreme and they tell u 'drink water, eat healthier, go to the gym'

looking for advice
context: i have been in anorexia recovery on and off for a couple of years. i was forced into recovery when i was admitted to the hospital then residential and outpatient for 1 and half years. after that i relapsed. a while later my friend helped me get into weightlifting and it actually did help me want to get stronger and eat more. which brings us to today. for the past couple of weeks i have felt super uncomfortable in my body. i’ve noticed the weight gain but it didn’t bother me so much until now. i feel puffy and bloated everywhere and my face feels so different i feel like i don’t even recognize myself anymore. the past couple of days have been very hard just with body image and also some other stressful factors in my life and ive noticed myself skipping meals on purpose and not feeling full all the time and eating less feels so much better to me. i have two contradicting voices in my mind where one knows i need to be eating more to get healthier, get my period back, get stronger, and for my body to just work and for the weight to actually redistribute, but then the other side of me just wants to go back to my old ways and feel numb and just feel skinnier and in control and show that i am not doing good.

anyways this whole post is bc i have been planning my days in advance to where i purposefully skip meals and i know this is bad but i don’t know how to stop it or how to change my mindset and i really need advice. im scared to relapse but i feel it coming and i will let it happen if i don’t change something.

treatment did not help me and honestly made me worse. i just need others advice and help.

hi, I am 19f with anorexia for 5 years. for context, i do live in the USA. in 2025, i reached an extremely low BMI, and had to be hospitalized and went to inpatient

the hospital and inpatient saved my life, it really helped me. after inpatient, i was forced to do residential and php. although it helped me some, it was so incredibly traumatic and ended up hurting me in the end. i hated it so much. i hate treatment. i never wanted to do residential or php, but since i was 17, i was forced to because i had DCFS involved in my case.

long story short, i ended up relapsing. i am at a very dangerous and low bmi. im noticing health issues really badly and im scared for my life. i really want to go to the hospital or inpatient, just to make sure everything is okay physically and i am healthy. i want to restore some weight and get my health on track until i am stable enough to be discharged. the only issue is, i REALLY REALLY do not want to do residential, php, or any sort of day program. it just always ends up being unhelpful for me. it drains me. i have such bad treatment burnout from last year. i feel like ive learned every skill.
i just need help getting back on track with my physical health so im in a better place to continue recovery at home. i have also had refeeding syndrome before and it was awful, so i want to be medically supervised in case it happens again. i basically just want to be medically stabilized. not only that, but i really really need to be working. i dont have a lot of money, but i am moving abroad for university alone next year, and i really really need to be working so i can save up. i also go to college (a local college, i commute from home). i cant waste time doing a program that i know wont work.

i guess my question is, is this allowed/common? i really really do not want to be forced into treatment again. im really scared that if i go to the hospital, they will make me go to residential or php after, especially considering i am at a very low and dangerous bmi, and i have relapsed in the past

i dont want to have to get a court order or something saying i am incapable of making my own decisions. i know i need help. i just want a say in what kind of help i get. i have so much trauma from forced treatment in the past, its stopping me from going to the hospital now.

when your anorexia is gone away like how can i notice that its gone? or would it even be gone, isnt it like that some of its part stays with you forever? I gained my period back but i still think that some of it is still with me, i'm worried that i could come back to me. So if sb knows please tell me when i should be sure that its gone?

Hello !

I am trying to recover from anorexia but I... can't let go of counting and restricting yet
I am sincere in trying to get better ; I am tired of the fatigue and pain and want to get out of forced bed/home rest to bike and exercise again but my brain just loops spirals really fucking fast whenever I do allow myself to eat and well... I've been stagnating - which is better than losing but it has me stuck in extreme hunger mode and I keep fighting myself
What worked for you ?

With love,
Nate

so i've struggled with my eating i would say for the last 5/6 years (i'm 21) and in the last 4 months its gotten worse - i don't really eat any obvious carbs with anything, i don't eat anything ultra processed ever - i tend to just eat protein, veg and some fruit (like one apple) each day - i'm trying to include oats now but it's difficult and i never eat breakfast. anyway - my last period was 2 months ago and that was quite late and was lighter than normal. i haven't gotten it since and i know this isn't a good thing. i would say i'm probably eating less than the recommended amount but not a lot - i do count calories and if i could i'd eat more but it doesn't seem to me like i'm undereating loads? i'm also (according to the NHS website) not underweight, my is considered healthy. i also don't look at myself and feel like i've lost a ton of weight - it's mainly just the period i am concerned about.

nobody in my family knows i struggle with eating to the extent i do, and i do see a psychotherapist weekly and she doesn't know either. i am a woman and i don't have a relationship with my mum and live with my dad and siblings (im at uni rn tho) but i don't know what to do. because i feel like if i tell people they will start monitoring my eating and making me eat more and i don't think i need to eat more or gain weight but i am concerned about the potential long term effects since i can see it's already affecting at least one thing. i just don't know how to get out of it because i feel like now if i start eating more i'll gain loads of weight bc clearly my metabolism is used to getting barely any cals. idk. i just don't know what to do.

anyway - any advice is helpful pls lmk if u have questions. i struggled for a little bit a few months ago with chewing and spitting out food but reading reddit helped me stop because of the negative potential side effects.

I've been struggling with my relationship with food and my body lately, and I don't really know how to deal with it.

I used to be really obsessive about counting calories and constantly tracking my weight. I barely ate enough, and although I felt physically awful, part of me loved seeing myself get thinner. I felt pale and dizzy a lot, but I still miss that period of my life.

I've gained weight recently, and my insecurity has gotten so bad that I feel genuinely disgusted with myself sometimes. I've been having urges to restrict again and have tried to, but I end up eating more than I want to, which makes me feel even worse.

Like I'm genuinely craving that feeling of being light and somewhat on the verge of death again. It was a good time for me somehow.

I know restricting wasn't good for me, but right now I miss the feeling of control it gave me. I don't really know how to deal with these feelings, and I'd appreciate hearing from people who've experienced something similar.

I'm looking for understanding and advice on dealing with these thoughts, not tips for restricting.

TLDR: I've spent the last 2 years trying to heal my gut through diet, first doing carnivore for a year and then GAPS for 9 months. I struggle with IBS, skin issues and other symptoms, and after 15 years of BED and bulimia, I really wanted to believe I could finally fix some of my health problems.

The problem? Both diets are SUPER restrictive, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm doing more harm than good.

I've become scared of foods because of oxalates, seed oils and other things I've been told to avoid. I overanalyze everything I eat, and food has become a source of constant stress. Recently, a change in my GAPS protocol triggered the worst binge episode I've had in a year.

I feel so frustrated because I've put so much time, money and hope into trying to heal my gut, only to feel like I'm damaging my relationship with food in the process. I don't want to give up on improving my health, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life afraid of food.

Has anyone with a history of binge eating or bulimia gone through something similar? How did you approach your gut issues without falling back into restrictive eating patterns? Did you eventually find a way forward?

I feel pretty lost right now and would really appreciate hearing from people who understand.

Ok this is a weird one I’m sure. And yes I’m already having therapy…in fact I think that’s why this is stirred up a lot atm. I went through complex trauma as a child and the best way I was able to communicate that was anorexia when I was 14, then again at 17 and 21. And the thing is it just didn’t do what I needed- which was get care and for someone to realise what was happening.

I’m 29 now and been recovered from eating disorder stuff for a long time but it’s still a niggle in the back of my mind and feels like something to turn back to if I ‘needed it’, although it never actually served the purpose I wanted it to.

That feels quite strong right now and I found myself reading online forums of parents trying to learn how to support their children with anorexia and god it just makes my heart ache, I guess I grieve that I didn’t get that and just struggled alone and ultimately ended up struggling with a range of other things too because the initial trauma was left to grow.

Maybe a weird question but how do you look after yourself through that and meet your own emotional needs if you know that even being so unwell doesn’t get the people around you (it’s parents I feel hurt by really) to notice/help/care? I don’t want to go back into it, I want to look after myself instead but don’t really know how

Thank you

I would love any fast feedback on this ! Looks like Im headed off pretty soon and Im an adult and never been in a residential facility before