Its hard. I’m still writing and refining it right now. But it was honestly a kind of therapy.
I’m not a reflective person. I don’t make conversation about myself to other people, I don’t vicariously live through life and remember important moments and think of how it’s impacted me, and I don’t sleep much, which probably all contributes to my struggle to recall and reflect and talk about my experiences and how they’ve shaped me.
And that’s why I’ve been so demotivated to write the essay. I generally don’t do jackshit that’s important, and I couldn’t recall anything worthwhile about myself. Until I finally had to sit down, get my shit together, and throw together some bullshit that still felt true to myself. In all honesty, most of my material is really recent; reflections I’ve made about myself, the way I think and process information, scenarios that occurred the day of writing bits and pieces of my essay. Grasping onto these small bits, and being forced to flesh it out- i’ve been thinking more recently, “hey, there’s more to me than I thought?”
And I think what’s really been helping is 1) interacting with other people, maybe after an argument or a conversation on a particular topic, and then thinking about how your responses were and 2) being by yourself in various scenarios and noticing where your mind wanders. Really my issue has been seeing myself, and when I finally did, I finally thought there was substance to me.
Basically, this essay is legitimately forcing me to grasp things about myself, expand on it as I’ve never had to before- say “I matter”- and try to win the audience over with these experiences.
And I think its winning me over too.
And overall, what I mean to say is- I’ve been approaching this essay as thinking of it as the big finale, the culmination of my life experiences, and then getting terrified at the idea that I’m not enough. It’s okay though. This essay doesn’t capture all of me. There’s still more to come. There’s stuff happening everyday. This essay just captures me in the past few weeks, even days. And it's enough.
Now sorry for basically rambling, you can imagine the state my actual essay looks like right now if I’m struggling to get concise points across here. But I hope I’m getting the message across.
Don't think that there’s nothing. Start looking. :)