Mein Weg durch das Licht von Zimmer 617

Ich bin 26 Jahre alt, und mein Weg hierher war geprägt von tiefen Schatten, aber am Ende von einer unbändigen, eigenen Kraft.
Mit 24 Jahren traf ich eine der wichtigsten Entscheidungen meines Lebens: Ich entschied mich bewusst für meine erste Therapie. Vorher hatte ich lange versucht, den Schmerz, die Unruhe und die innere Leere in mir mit Alkohol zu betäuben – ein Versuch, all das nicht spüren zu müssen, was da tief in mir vergraben lag. In der Therapie wurde mir dann diagnostiziert, dass ich eine Posttraumatische Belastungsstörung (PTBS) habe, außerdem wurden eine Alkoholabhängigkeit und rezidivierende depressive Episoden diagnostiziert. Ich hatte ein wirkliches, tiefes Trauma (Entwicklungstrauma) und es gab zudem traumatische Erlebnisse in meiner Jugend und im Erwachsenenalter.
Ich kämpfte mich durch diese erste 4 Monatelange stationäre Therapie, doch genau zwei Wochen vor ihrem Ende passierte der dunkelste Schlag meines Lebens: Meine Mutter starb. Als ich die Nachricht bekam, brach für mich eine Welt zusammen. Danach – ähnlich wie damals vor der ersten Therapie – suchte ich wieder nach Wegen, das Erlebte zu tragen; fiel zeitgleich in alte ungesunde Bewältigungsstrategien zurück und betäubte mich. Schließlich entschied ich mich wieder für eine Therapie, wollte zurück dorthin, wo ich die erste gemacht hatte. Dazwischen versuchte ich einen Schritt in einer Traumatherapie-Privatklinik, aber nach vier Wochen brach ich sie ab, weil ich mich nicht wohl fühlte und wieder zurück an den Ort wollte, wo meine erste Therapie stattgefunden hatte.
Etwa 1,5 Jahre später trat ich dort meine zweite Therapie an. Und genau in dieser zweiten Therapie lernte ich zum ersten Mal die Arbeit mit den inneren Anteilen kennen: die Unterscheidung zwischen der großen Eva und der kleinen Eva.
Schließlich schlug das Schicksal auf eine fast unheimliche Weise zu: Ich bekam exakt dasselbe Zimmer zugewiesen wie damals – Zimmer 617. Genau der Raum, in dem ich die Nachricht vom Tod meiner Mutter erhalten hatte.
In diesem Zimmer geschah dann ein paar Wochen vor Ende etwas, das kein Verstand im Voraus hätte planen können. Obwohl wir in der Therapie über die inneren Anteile gesprochen hatten, war das, was in diesem Moment folgte, pure, ungesteuerte Intuition:
Ich bin ganz intuitiv, ohne Nachdenken oder Verstand, auf die Knie gegangen. Ich habe meine Arme geöffnet, die kleine Eva in meine Arme geschlossen und zu ihr gesagt:

„Du brauchst keine Angst haben, ich bin jetzt da.“
In diesem einen Augenblick - was ich erst jetzt, Monate später realisiere - verschmolzen die Ur-Wunde, die Trauer um meine Mama und all der Schmerz zu einer einzigen, heilenden Bewegung. Die große Eva hat die kleine Eva gehalten und gerettet. Ich habe mir an dem Ort des tiefsten Schmerzes selbst das gegeben, was ich am meisten brauchte: absolute Sicherheit und das Versprechen, mich nie wieder im Stich zu lassen.

Danach ging ich mir ein Eis kaufen. Einige Sitzungen zuvor, hatte ich meine Therapeutin einmal gefragt, wie das eigentlich aussieht, wenn man für sich da sein soll, wenn es einem nicht gut geht – und sie meinte damals als Beispiel: „Man kauft sich zum Beispiel ein Eis.“
Und so bin ich damals losgezogen und habe mir danach dieses Eis gekauft. Erst jetzt, mit dem Abstand und der Tiefe von allem, merke ich: Die eigentliche Heilung war nicht dieses Eis. Das war nur die kleine Alltagshandlung. Damals dachte ich noch irgendwie, ich würde einfach nur eine Übung machen, die mir die Therapeutin gesagt hat. Doch der wahre, gigantische Durchbruch war das auf den Knien in Zimmer 617 – die echte, radikale Selbstrettung, die ganz allein aus meinem eigenen Herzen kam, die mir niemand erklärt oder empfohlen hat.

Hat jemand ähnliche Erfahrung?

​

As a child I had a temper. I can't say I ever grew out of it. But I got good at corking it for longer and longer periods of time.

Home wasn't a nice or safe place, but my only respite was online games. I met some people who I thought of as friends, and looking back, I was just as vicious of a person then too. I was close friends with one guy and his brother, who we met through a mutual friend who lived in the UK. I was always a bully to him looking back. We stopped talking when his family moved into a new house and didn't have internet for 3 years. During that time he took a 12 gauge and blew his head off. No note. Nothing. It was my first real encounter with death of someone I considered close, as I didn't get to know my extended family until this year. My parents didn't even take notice of my distress when I told them the news. I buried that memory for a long time, but looking back I wonder if I was part of why he did it.

Over the years I didn't make many friends. I kept to myself, did my school work, tried to play online games but was constantly told that I'm not trying in anything, that I'd never make it anywhere. I got bitter and spent a long time trying to fight against my parents words, but no matter how well I tried to behave, or how well I did in school it never lasted. I'd blow up from time to time, it was a cycle of failure, depression, and trying to spite everyone who spoke down to me before relenting and trying to appease everyone I could before I blew up again.

After high-school I did try to connect with some passing friends. Ive only spent tune with about 3 people since and any additional friends to come along something always seems to happen. Be it me, some inter-relationship drama I was blindly unaware of, or something else.

I finally left home at 24. I convinced myself that all I needed was to leave and never come back, go to college, get my degree, and I'd be free to live my life. I went to a religious college. It was cheap. Did what I needed to get by, worked about 30-36hrs a week during my first semester to make rent on top of being a full-time student. My only main companion was my cat who I had had since I was 14. She was scruffy, and her meow sounded broken, but I promised myself to take her with me when I left. My father hated that cat. Once he pelted her down the stairs to the basement like a football because she got scared and pissed on his bed. She was locked in that basement from that day on, for about 6 years before we moved and he retired.

One day, I got a random text from my brother telling me that our other cat had been put down. He was 15, my cat was 14. I got worried and looked to adopt another cat. It was the first pet I had adopted myself. A 8 week old kitten. My cat was weary at first, but eventually became like a mother to him. She became deathly ill 4 months later. I was between jobs, stressed from classes, grief, being alone, failing grades, and I was watching my closest companion suffer. She lost the use of her left front paw. Then she was paralyzed in the back legs. I spent every dime on medicine and doctors visits. She died 2 weeks into November while I took a shower. I was devastated. I was volatile. I had roomates I snapped at, and one whose shoe I had stabbed through with a pocket knife because of how much I was afraid of losing her. No one even noticed she had passed. I buried her on the side of the river. I lost my job right before Christmas because I'd managed to become the target of one of my coworkers who didn't like my nasally voice and threw a soda in his face.

3 months later my little kitten had become I'll, but I didn't notice. I did, but I was broke. I never bought pet insurance, I had no money, and I convinced myself he'd be fine. I saw him as my son, as ridiculous as people will tell me that is. He was my baby boy, and by the time I took him to the vet he was struggling to breathe. I thought maybe he had asthma. I thought maybe he'd get over it. At the vet the Xrays showed his lungs were so deeply enflammed they couldn't see them on the xray at all. The inside of his mouth was a lollipop-stained blue color. He had somehow developed feline infectious periontitis, effectively cat COVID. I didn't see it. I didn't notice it. He was struggling to breathe. The vet told me that the last time they saw this their patient died waiting for the medicine to arrive by air mail, but he had some. It was $2k a pill with a low chance of success. I had less than $500 in my bank account. It was my only concern. I couldn't possibly afford the treatment. I was still out of work, and my tuition for classes was spent on rent and books. I watched my son die. And there was no peace. All I saw was a scared, sad baby whose papa was killing him.

At his funeral on the side of the river all I wanted to do was jump in after him. I spent the rest of the semester in bed begging God to let me kill myself because I didn't want to see a world where I could move on from his death. I realized that my parents were right, that'd I'd never be good enough. I'd never be a good enough anything in life. I returned from college 3 months ago. I couldn't afford it. I had to come crawling back home. I brought a revolver and installed locks on my bedroom door. And somehow, somehow I let myself believe I could live again. I played with my 3 friends online, I smiled all the time. It scared me to see myself smiling. It took 3 months of looking, but I finally got a job.

Things were going well. Things were good. Then I blew up again. I cursed my closest friend out in a game because I was tired of hearing him constantly criticize my gameplay.

Im not sure what I said, but he eventually brought up how I had blown up at him like that many years ago over a silly, poorly made Minecraft multiplayer map. How I said things like "I'd kill your family" how it's no wonder why he won't tell me his address to him after he moved away. Our other friend just told me "I don't like hearing you curse out my friend" and that was it. I tried to apologize for my behavior, I said I sorry I was so mean and cruel, but the entire time I was reliving every other time I'd ever blown up. Every mistake I'd made just like it. And I realized that I can't change. That I'd been repeating the same self-destructive cycles of hope, spite and regret for all 27 years of my life. That I can't change.

I don't want to hope anymore. I don't want to make up with my friends because it's clear to me they see the same volatile and toxic person in me that I see in the mirror everyday. And I'm tired of wanting to be better. I don't want to have a relationship or kids because I'll do it again to them. I don't drink because I don't want to become like my father, but it's clear I already am. I don't know why I'm such a bad person. I don't want to be. I want friends, family, loved ones, support, a career, a fucking house. But it seems all I do is repeat the same cycles over and over. I don't know how to live with that. I don't know if I can force myself to live in loneliness, but I don't want to su ject anyone else to me. I can't escape myself, and I want out.

I'm not sure what kind of trigger warnings to put on this, but it does feel very silly to admit. It is something ive briefly discussed with my therapist, but I am still trying to work through it on my own as well, mostly with reprogramming the thought process and talking about it more as a sort of exposure therapy with the idea that, over time, it will slowly lose the "paralyzing" effect it has on me.

To start, my mom is alive and well, as am i obviously lol. But there was a brief stint early this year where my mom suddenly got very sick(brief as in a few days at most). Now, we've always assumed my mom has some sort of auto immune disease or something similar because she is almost always sick no matter what, she is planning on getting a full blood panel done sometime soon to figure out for certain. But, anyways. Essentially, we know now that she had a very aggressive "24 hour virus". It caused horrible cramping, nausea, and a lot more that I wont say here. Now, me and my mom both have a history of stomach issues, so she assumed that it would pass. She went to take a shower, and wound up having a panic attack bad enough that my dad came and woke me(f18) and my older brother(m25) up to come and both run interference with the younger kids in the home and help with my mother.

I wound up sitting on the floor beside her, just rubbing her back, wrapping towels tighter around her, and doing my overall best to try and keep her comfortable while our county's EMS drove over. My dad had called them, because nothing was working, and I knew he was scared too. I helped as much as I could, helped get her somewhat dressed, helped answer questions about what medications she took and had taken that morning, and just anything I could do to help. She was in the hospital for two days, during which i had no contact at all with her because i myself was anxious and knew if i did speak to her i wouldnt be able to do anything related to my school work.

she wound up coming home, and was fine after the virus had passed. To this day, i still remember the relief i felt when i came into the house and saw her. I was still terrified, i wound up crying while she held me and telling her that she couldnt ever scare me like that again because i wasnt ready to be without her. now that the backstory is out of the way, my mom has this bright teal makita tool bag that she uses for craft supplies, my dad bought it for her. My issue, is that whenever i look at that bag or even think about it, i shut down. Because in my mind, despite the big letters spelling "MAKITA" across the side, all i see is the bags the EMS people had. It scares me. Terribly. I just shut down to the point that i cant even speak and have to try desperately for a good five minutes before ever being able to move. So yes, as embarrassing as it is and as much as i loathe to admit it, i am terrified of my mom's makita tool bag.

TLDR; My mom had to be driven to the hospital in an ambulance, anytime I see her Makita bag I am reminded of the EMS bags and freak out.​​​

Please I keep asking for help and hardly anyone ever responds. I’m afraid I won’t make it another week like this. My emotional pain is overwhelming, I lost 5 years of my life, I can’t do anything for myself because I don’t really want to live and like, I feel like I lost too much time now for anything to work out. I have no friends. No family. No support.

I need someone to talk to or a place to post where people will actually engage in discussion. I want someone to help me figure out immediate next steps and how I’m supposed to heal and get out of this nightmare I’m trapped in. I’m sorry therapists have not been helpful so far, I just need someone to tell me what I can do to help myself and feel like living and try again. I’m in emotional agony stemming from narcissistic abuse. He destroyed my self worth. I want my life back.

Hallo ihr lieben ich stelle mir schon länger eine frage.

Es gab da mal einen Abend an dem ich mit einigen Leuten was trinken war.

Ich habe schon relativ viel getrunken aber es war noch im Rahmen.

An den Rest des Abends kann ich mich nicht mehr erinnern.

Deswegen stelle ich mir die Frage ob es ko Tropfen waren wenn es Alkohol gewesen wäre wären doch irgendwelche Erinnerungen zurückgekommen oder nicht?

Am nächsten Tag bin ich bei einem Mitschüler aufgewacht und hatte seine Jogginghose an.

Ich bin mir nicht mehr sicher ob ich noch unterwäsche trug.

Ich war total verwirrt weil ich nicht wusste was passiert war und hab mich auch ganz benommen und orientierungslos gefühlt.

Wusste auch nicht genau wo ich war.

Bin dann einfach gegangen aber weiß bis heute nicht was passiert ist.

Der Typ hatte mir ein paar Tage später eine Nachricht geschrieben.

Das was passiert ist hätte nicht passieren sollen.

Ich frage mich ob er mir in der Nacht was angetan hat.

Ich bin damals nicht darauf eingegangen wahrscheinlich aus Angst.

Jetzt habe ich erfahren das er vor ein paar Jahren Selbstmord begangen hat.

Ich denke grade einfach viel drübernach aber die Wahrheit werde ich wohl nie erfahren.

Ich merke nur das es mir seit dem schwer fällt sexuelle Kontakte zu haben.

Was kann ich tun.

Yesterday, something happened at work that I can’t seem to process.
I work as a hotel receptionist in Turkey and I was on the night shift. Another guest called reception and reported that a woman was lying on the grass in the hotel garden. I immediately informed security, and that’s how the incident was discovered.
The woman was a 37-year-old married mother of three. She had jumped from the 16th floor of the hotel and taken her own life.
The spot where she landed was right by the hotel entrance, but there were bushes surrounding the area, so thankfully, I didn’t see anything graphic.
I was directly involved in the chain of communication because I was the receptionist who received the call and alerted security. Suddenly, the hotel lobby was filled with police officers, detectives, a prosecutor, and forensic investigators. It was surreal seeing the place where I work every day turn into a crime scene.
I continued doing my job that night and didn’t let my duties slip. I stayed professional and carried on with my shift. But now, I feel deeply unsettled, and I don’t understand why this is affecting me so much.
It’s not that I feel like crying. It’s something much harder to explain. I feel disconnected from reality, almost as if everything around me is unreal or I’m living in a dream. I feel uneasy, and I can’t seem to process the fact that something like this happened right where I work, during my shift.
I’ve worked in hotels for years, but I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I keep wondering how common something like this is in our line of work, and whether anyone else has ever experienced a similar situation.
I still have to go to work and carry on with my life, but everything feels strange right now. I think what affects me most is that this wasn’t just an incident involving a random guest. A 37-year-old woman, who was married and had three children, died that night. I can’t stop thinking about how real and irreversible it all is.
Has anyone experienced something similar at work? How did you process it afterward? Is it normal to feel disconnected from reality after an experience like this? I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar or who can offer advice on how to deal with these feelings while continuing to work and go about everyday life.

My ex completely broke something inside me, and I honestly don’t know how to begin healing from it.
The impact this relationship has had on my mental health feels indescribable. Even thinking about what I went through makes me feel stressed, anxious, angry and deeply upset. Sometimes, the emotions become so overwhelming that I start having suicidal thoughts. I just want it all to stop. I want to feel like myself again.
Before I met him, I was genuinely happy. I was positive, energetic, outgoing and full of life. I enjoyed things, I had a different outlook on life, and I felt like myself. Now, I barely recognise the person I’ve become. It’s heartbreaking to look back at who I used to be and realise how much this relationship has changed me.
I want to make one thing clear: I am over him. I don’t want him back, I don’t wish to be with him, and I’m not struggling to let go of the relationship itself. What I’m struggling with is the trauma he left behind. It’s as though the relationship is over, but the damage it caused is still very much a part of my everyday life. I can move on from a person, but how do I move on from what they did to me?
I’ve had relationships before where I thought my exes were toxic, but nothing compares to what I experienced with him. Looking back, there were so many things I tolerated that I would never have imagined accepting before I met him. He seemed to want me to distance myself from my family and friends, and there were times when it felt as though he couldn’t stand seeing me happy. Even on my birthday, instead of letting me enjoy my day, he kept finding reasons to argue with me.
One of the most painful parts of all of this is something I’ve never told anyone in my personal life. He got me pregnant, and I suffered a miscarriage during a period when I was dealing with an enormous amount of stress, alongside many other difficult circumstances. I was young, scared and going through something incredibly painful, and I’ve carried that experience privately ever since. Nobody knows about it, and sometimes I don’t even know what to do with all the emotions surrounding it.
I think what hurts the most is realising how much of myself I lost while trying to make that relationship work. I hate that I tolerated so much. I hate that I allowed someone to treat me in ways that hurt me so deeply. And I hate that, even though he is no longer in my life, I’m still the one left dealing with the consequences.
I know I can’t change the past, and I know blaming myself won’t undo anything. But I still get so angry and sad when I think about everything that happened. I feel like I’m grieving the person I used to be, the experiences I went through in silence, and the version of my life I might have had if I had never met him.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way. I want to be happy again. I want to feel safe in my own mind and body. I want to stop feeling anxious whenever something reminds me of him. Most of all, I want to reach a point where my past no longer has this much power over my present.
For anyone who has experienced an emotionally abusive or deeply traumatic relationship: How did you heal from the trauma after the relationship ended? How did you learn to feel like yourself again? Did you ever get back the happiness, confidence and peace you had before?
I’m not looking for advice on how to get over him. I’ve already done that. I’m looking for advice on how to get over what he put me through, because I genuinely don’t know where to start.

I feel like I'm so obsessive add in my trauma with both genders when I find what I think is a good one I get so like just I want to keep them I want to rip a part of myself out to give them so some sense of myself is with them I want them yet I fear myself I want to take care of them I want to show them I will let nothing happen and if something did I would take care of it even if small or big but it just hurts so much when I'm wrong it feels like I lose that part I ripped out it feels like no one is good and then I get stuck and obsessed with the idea love is just the mark of the best I'm so fucked up lucky for me I haven't got addicted to any substances just cutting and even that is gonna destroy me one day hell it just doesn't help I get enamored when I like someone I just fold and want to be theirs more than anything and it's so deep down so deep it tries rising and I shove it down I push and push it down but I can only push so much. I feel scared to love yet when I do love the feeling is so intoxicating I wanna find someone to love that wouldn't mind but I fear so much it's so scary I was in a bad relationship and convinced I was awful then I was Sa'd and so Idk it made me ponder everything so much my gender dysphoria already was there now it's even worst and now I fluctuate from hypersexual and hyposexual. At this rate do I need a crazy obsessive toxic person myself is that the only person that can possibly love me I'm so scared to scare someone off. NOTE TO MODS: I've gone through the channels trust me believe me I have a cps case worker they can't do anything because there is no "real signs of abuse" all of this has systemed from abuse and trauma I've talked to trusted adults I've gone through channels I wouldn't be here if this wasn't a last resort THIS IS A PLEA FOR ADVICE IT'S BEEN MADE CLEAR TO ME NO ONE WILL HELP

....*onto

Hi! Last year i got bullied in a way that triggered older traumas but that also were genuinely mean and abusive and that caused ptsd. Soon later i moved and begun to work in a place i hate for many reasons. I was alone a lot and i had really like, broken relationship ties to literally almost every person i know except for one friend. I bullied myself about the work by telling myself this co-worker that was unpleasant and smelled like shit or something, is my "soul mate" and i forced his energy onto me. It's toxic obvuously but it was meant to be this bully joke toward myself because after the traumatic events that happened I completely lost my self confidence and i begun to literally actively put me down. Anyways. I was very fragmented after all the things and apparrently my inner child thta has always struggled with maybe disgust/shame themes really attached to the thing and also believed that the co-worker (who also is 50, while i'm in my 20's), actually is some soul mate. Despite explaining thousands of times that he is not and trying to draw and do everything, a part refuses to ket go of the crappy energy and even identifies even more tightly with it. All the while i have some kind of telepathic connection to someone who actually might be some kind of soul connection; i end up sending very negative intentions towards that energy cord and a part of me rejects that and associates it with the shitty smell and unpeasant co-worker. So like, I mix people up. And i somehow don't get it, make the distinction, no matter how much i explain. It's been a year like this... I mentioned to a therapist once and have talked to a friend but idk if a more thorough thing would help. I have tried to go through my judgemental parts and thought about people being mirrors. I would not do the bullying again and i'm less judgemental than a year ago but it does not help with the inner child holding onto the shitty energy and the mixing up of people. I put a lot of pressure onto figuring things out and sorting out the energies. I wondered if i just eased out for a small time, do you think i would be more willing to let it go? Like do you think i'm mean and causing stress and anxiety that makes me or the child part, hold onto it even tighter? Or that the bullying made me distrustful of me? It's kind of sad. I saw this white pony that symbolizes me i guess and i see parts of like poop in it and it's not an image i created with some artsy or histronic self but something my subconscious or the child part created and my heart is actually hurt. :((

My trauma started in early childhood, but I survived and finally moved out of the toxic family. But the CPTSD still follows me. I read a lot of books about it, call the counselling line and do some breathing meditation exercises. However, I still don't feel confident in myself, and often I suspect I’m still deceiving myself or wearing a mask.

How do you all cope with it? Please share some self-healing methods that you think are helpful.

Warm Regards to all.

Hi there! Idk if this is the right place for this. I (28F) am autistic and was bullied, ostracized and experienced micro aggressions in school, especially in grades 1-8. There were a few kids who I would especially come into conflict with or who were particularly nasty to me. I've done some therapy for this trauma, including some EMDR, and it has helped such that I don't have much, if any, lingering resentment or anger like I used to, have integrated those memories so they don't distress me anywhere near as much as they used to and I would hardly ever think about them if it weren't for the dreams. For years now, I've had persistent and distressing dreams about those kids and experiences fairly regularly, probably at least once a week.

Now, I know I should probably just do more therapy on this and I hope to eventually but I move around every 3-6 months for different temp jobs which complicates doing telehealth because most therapists are only licensed in a few states or in their country. I don't want to start over with a new therapist every time I move and I can't predict where I'll end up next so I can't choose someone based on where they're licensed. All that's to say, any advice or skills or tools I can try practicing to exorcise these demons? Thanks and cheers

Hi! Is anyone interested in reading stuff together or working through topics together online (via discord). Whenever I read on this sub I feel we have so much in common. I started my healing journey not long ago. Text me if interested. 🙂

Hi everyone, I'm a doctoral researcher at the University of Oxford (Department of Psychiatry) and I'm looking for adults to take part in an anonymous online study.

The study is about how childhood experiences are remembered and how they relate to mental health in adulthood. You do not need to have experienced significant childhood adversity to take part — we welcome adults with a wide range of childhood experiences.

Who can take part:

• Aged 18-65 years

• English-speaking

The survey is anonymous, no names or contact details are collected. You can skip any question and withdraw at any time. Mental health support resources are provided at the end.

Ethics Ref: MS IDREC 3575157

Study link: https://psychiatryoxford.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9KYq8GZ3Ynrkcbs

Feel free to comment or DM if you have any questions. Thank you so much for your time. 

It's weird because normally I would be crashing, spiraling all over the place. I was for maybe the first 3 days very emotional, and I cried a lot, but I handled myself really well out in public, and I did most of my crying at home alone. Therapy's been going really good, lately I am learning new things about myself, things I guess I always knew, but just never really paid attention to because I didn't think it really mattered until now, because it does matter. I can see the bad parts of myself. The oversensitive parts of myself. The scared parts. The shameful parts. The hateful parts, and I just don't wanna feel any of those things anymore. Of course I understand I need them, and need to feel them in order to be a healthy adult. I know I'm a wounded child looking for safety, and I'll look for it anywhere. Which can be a problem because that's a performative action, and I'm tired of performing... I need to be able to sit comfortably inside my own aloneness without feeling like I need somebody they're with me. I need to stop searching for the love I was never given by my parents. I need to accept that the past is the past and I need to be mindfully in the present so I can be happy in my future... My therapist is the best one I have ever had. I'm in the proper therapy though now, so there's a reason it's working. I literally couldn't find the correct therapy my whole life, cause I didn't know what was going on with me until this year. Mindfullness, Shadow work, and studying Carl Jung is helping me so much. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust again without my trauma responses popping back up, but I still have hope. No one can take that from me❣️

I need help. I have 39F, living with painful memories of being hurt, humiliated, punished, not heard, misunderstood by people since I was 5 yrs old (mostly all family) around me. Here is a summary of my life :

I was a quiet, simple, less demanding and disciplined kid as I am aware of myself.

My mom has her own trauma , ocd etc which family members deal with. Father has been a busy, absent individual who had a difficult job to focus on.

Chapter 1 (LKG - 3rd Std) -

• At 5 yrs of age, I was sent to my uncle's place to study due to lack of good schools where my father was posted and my 2 yr younger brother needed more attention from my mom. No memories before 5 so I assume all was well.
  • I faced partiality, my cousin would ask me to just eat 1 sandwich and not ask for more.
  • I was assaulted by my cousin physically. Started with kissing, followed by some more. Nobody knows about this, not even my mom.
  • Once I had vomit during sleep and poop on the bed, I was scolded and hit hard.
  • Once I shook hands with one friend in a party, I was shamed by my aunt next day.
  • Once I came back from home with dirty sandy socks from school picnic, I was scolded badly by my aunt.
  • Once I was hit hard by my uncle for not studying properly.
  • Once in a year during summer vacation, I used to visit my parents place. There also, my mom or dad would never hug me. No hugs, no kisses and no show of affection.
  • I stayed there for 3 years and eventually realized the partiality of not being at home and came back to my parents place permanently. That time as well, I was scolded, hit multiple times by my uncle, mom to continue studying there.

Summary - I became a silent kid, distant from my parents. No emotional connection may be. But at least I felt home and I think that itself felt like a safe place.

Chapter 2 (4th - 8th Std) -

• Didn't keep any hard feelings for my parents or uncle/aunt/cousin as a growing kid.
• Felt like home yet being distant from parents (emotionally) was normal. We had everything else available on time - good food, outings, good school, friends etc. all luxuries available except for quality conversations with parents.

Summary - Focused on studies, stepping into teenage.

Chapter 3 - (9-12th Std) -

• Continued being good in studies in a new city, new school, new friends.
• On the other side, Being a good looking girl, I always received compliments and I was aware that I look good. I started getting interest in getting ready, fashion, makeup etc.
• With constant attention from boys, got into a short fling with a senior boy in school.
• It was pure, surreal feeling like your first time in love. It felt like magic.
• Bad luck, my parents and school got to know about it and i was put into a house arrest.
• Though I was good in studies, I was shamed extremely at home and in school.
• I was continuously abused verbally everyday and bitten up by father.
• I was not allowed to go to school, continue studying. My mom was talking about getting me married etc etc. The trauma went on for 4 years (9-12th).

Summary - If I think of that phase now, I believe that was a normal teenage fling which would have anyway wouldn't have gone any further. If parents were friendly and spoke to me clearly, may be the situation could have been handed in a better way. That was darkest phase of my life.

Chapter 4 - (Engineering, Marriage, Kid and life now )

• Been my batch topper, got placed in top company and started working.
• Got into a relationship with a guy in college, good looking, friendly, nice human being.
• But guess what I was too giving in that relationship. Realized it much later after marrying the same guy that he is emotionally unavailable kind of person.
• Now I read children who are raised in emotionally unavailable homes with parents , also attract similar partners.
• I see that straightforward in my life.
• Fought with parents to marry this guy, after child - our relationship is ruined due to in laws interferences and my husband of course taking their side.
• Now we are just living in one house like flat mates , no connection, nothing - emotional, mental or physical. We haven't been intimate for last 2 years.

My usual behavior -

• I get hurt by small things - be it my husband, a cold neighbor.
• I am getting too protective about my child and get into argument when he doesn't get along with other kids.
• I distant myself from people, try to make new friends and suddenly pull back when I dont feel some good vibes.
• I think I strongly believe or understand something and quickly make judgements about people.
• I get into lot of anxiety, all the memories from the past again and again.
• I am binge eating, not taking care of my health and career.

Please help.

There was a fatal car crash outside of my partner’s work today. Him and a few coworkers heard it and responded. I don’t know to what extent they saw/assisted as he hasn’t told me and I don’t want to push.

I don’t know what to do to help him. He very much keeps to himself already and I just want to be the most supportive I can. Right now I’m just answering his texts and not brining anything up that’s related to the crash.

We don’t live together and I won’t see him until the weekend when he comes back to town from work.

Any advice in how I can support him?

This is the third or fourth time in my life where someone has claimed to love me and then broke me down. Am I the problem at this point?

For background, I am the child of a caring, but deeply emotionally unregulated parent who can easily flip on a dime from kindness to pure anger. I made friends—but it happens that I’m often left behind, or considered not as worthwhile, and then I stop really mattering. Then, I was viciously emotionally abused by a friend—some would call it a situationship?—that broke me down in ways I was afraid I would never recover from.

I did. And now, it’s happened again. Two of my friends staged an intervention for me, saying I was apologizing more than ever and that my confidence had been shattered. I swore to make the changes I needed to make. And now, they’re rethinking our friendship because I’ve apparently not made progress in the three weeks since they spoke to me.

Is it just a me problem at this point? I’m the only common denominator, so it feels that way. Is there just something so deeply broken or undesirable about me that drives everyone away? Am I not doing something right?

Hi all! I wanted to put this out there for anyone experiencing anxiety, and has trouble finding relief.

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Which shapes, you more 🤔? A MAJOR FAILURE, OR A MAJOR SUSSCESS ?.

So I have experienced lots and lots of trauma, the same hands ✋️, that dealt the blows, created a strength 💪 they could never comprehend and will never be able to bend.

I'm working on some trauma art 🎨 and rely enjoying working on it. It's very healing and it's just a different way to explain what I've survived. It's not easy to talk about what happened. So I will let my art 🎨 do the talking. Just joined today. Love ❤️

Alright guys my dad often taunts me, everyday I get three-four taunts for sure, could be way more than that on days, even after studying all day....I am treated like crap, he says I waste food, I waste money, I waste his resources, and that I am a waste.... today things had been piling up for a week...I often do SH, but I had been clean for like a week, today I got the urge, instead of doing that I took some objects that would not break if thrown and threw them across the room, dad came, said lots of stuff, swore at me a lot, then said meri koi aukaat nai hai etc etc, said he would throw me out of the house and well lots more, my brain froze when he was saying all this, I badly SHed after that...I jjst wanted to ask, is this normal behaviour and did overreact (I am 18 years old in class 12 btw)

Never had ONE event that tested ALL my conditions and ALL my trauma triggers at once.

I’m COMPLETELY BLIND, have autism and a heart lung condition and the other day, I went to a doctor’s appointment that put ALL those conditions plus ALL my trauma triggers and fears to the test https://youtu.be/C7h9zHfK6f8?is=A_umrfucvtbukW4x