r/rant • u/KingKepa • 18h ago
I turned 26 and got kicked off my parents' health insurance. I genuinely think I've entered the seventh circle of hell.
I turned 26 in mid-August, which meant it was finally time to say goodbye to my parents' health insurance and enroll in my company's insurance plan.
WHAT. IN. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.
I have been on this insurance for approximately TWO MONTHS, and I am already convinced this entire industry was designed by Satan himself as some kind of elaborate psychological torture experiment.
Let me paint you a picture of the absolute NIGHTMARE that has been my existence.
ACT ONE: THE GREAT INSURANCE DISAPPEARING ACT
I turned 26 in August. I submitted ALL of my qualifying life event paperwork. I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do to get enrolled.
And then?
NOTHING.
Radio silence. Apparently, my paperwork was launched directly into the fucking void.
August comes and goes. September comes and goes.
MID. FUCKING. OCTOBER.
THAT IS WHEN THEY FINALLY GET ME INTO THEIR SYSTEM.
TWO. ENTIRE. MONTHS.
But don't you worry, because you know what WAS working flawlessly that entire time???
THEM TAKING MONEY OUT OF MY PAYCHECK.
OH, SO YOU CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO TAKE MY FUCKING MONEY, BUT YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GIVE ME THE INSURANCE I'M PAYING FOR???
FASCINATING. TRULY GROUNDBREAKING STUFF.
ACT TWO: THE PROVIDER HUNGER GAMES
Now that I FINALLY exist in their system, I think, "Great! I can finally schedule a doctor's appointment!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Oh, you sweet, stupid, optimistic little fool.
I go to the website my insurance company provides to find an in-network doctor.
I find one! I call!
"We don't accept that insurance."
Okay. Weird. Whatever. Moving on.
Find another one. Call.
"We don't take that insurance."
...Okay?
Third provider.
NOPE.
FOURTH PROVIDER.
ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT.
FOUR. FOUR PROVIDERS LISTED ON MY INSURANCE COMPANY'S OWN WEBSITE WHO APPARENTLY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF MY FUCKING INSURANCE.
At this point, I'm starting to wonder if my insurance is even real. Am I paying for an elaborate subscription service to NOTHING??? Did I accidentally sign up for a monthly donation to some CEO's yacht fund???
ACT THREE: THE WEBSITE THAT WAS A LIE
I decide to call my insurance company.
Because SURELY there must be some kind of explanation for this.
I explain the situation, and they inform me that...
THE WEBSITE THEY DIRECT YOU TO FOR FINDING PROVIDERS ISN'T EVEN THE CORRECT FUCKING WEBSITE.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT?
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOUR OWN WEBSITE, WHICH YOU PROVIDE TO YOUR OWN PAYING CUSTOMERS, SENDS THEM TO A PROVIDER DIRECTORY THEY AREN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE USING???
WHO IS RUNNING THIS COMPANY???
THREE RACCOONS IN A TRENCH COAT???
So they give me a NEW website.
Okay. Fine. Wonderful. Maybe the nightmare is finally over.
ACT FOUR: THE PHONE NUMBERS FROM HELL
I go to the CORRECT website.
I find providers.
I start calling.
THE FUCKING PHONE NUMBERS DON'T WORK.
THE NUMBERS.
DO. NOT.
WORK.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??? SEND A FUCKING CARRIER PIGEON??? COMMUNICATE THROUGH SMOKE SIGNALS??? MANIFEST A DOCTOR THROUGH THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING???
I AM BEGGING. BEGGING ON MY HANDS AND KNEES. PLEASE JUST LET ME GIVE SOMEONE MONEY TO LOOK AT MY MEDICAL PROBLEMS.
ACT FIVE: THE FINAL STRAW
By some divine miracle, I find a phone number that ACTUALLY WORKS.
A REAL HUMAN ANSWERS.
I COULD HAVE CRIED.
We start scheduling an appointment.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The heavens are opening. Angels are singing. For one fleeting moment, I believe there might actually be a God.
The scheduling lady asks for my insurance.
I tell her.
THE. LINE. GOES. FUCKING. DEAD.
...
I genuinely just sat there staring at my phone.
I HAVE NO WORDS.
NONE.
I AM 26 YEARS OLD. I HAVE BEEN AN ADULT FOR YEARS. I PAY MY BILLS. I HAVE A JOB. I PAY MY TAXES.
WHY DOES SCHEDULING A FUCKING DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT FEEL LIKE I'M TRYING TO DEFEAT THE FINAL BOSS OF A VIDEO GAME THAT WAS SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO MAKE ME LOSE MY WILL TO LIVE???
I HAVE JUMPED THROUGH EVERY HOOP. I HAVE CALLED EVERY NUMBER. I HAVE VISITED EVERY WEBSITE. I HAVE GIVEN THESE PEOPLE MY MONEY.
AND FOR WHAT???
FOR FUCKING WHAT???
I DON'T WANT A YACHT. I DON'T WANT A MILLION DOLLARS. I DON'T EVEN WANT GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE ANYMORE.
I JUST WANT TO GO TO THE FUCKING DOCTOR.
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK???
WHY DOES THIS INSURANCE COMPANY EXIST??? WHAT PURPOSE DOES IT SERVE OTHER THAN TO COLLECT MY MONEY AND SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROY MY LAST REMAINING SHREDS OF SANITY???
I HAVE BEEN ON MY OWN INSURANCE FOR TWO MONTHS, AND I AM READY TO FILE FOR EMOTIONAL DAMAGES.
If this is what being 26 is like, I would like to return it. I have the receipt. This product is defective.
TL;DR: Turned 26. Got company insurance. Took two months to get enrolled despite them taking my money the whole time. Their provider website lists doctors who don't accept my insurance. Insurance company tells me it's the WRONG WEBSITE. New website has phone numbers that don't work. Finally get someone on the phone, tell them my insurance, and the call drops. At this point, I am convinced my insurance policy is actually just a monthly subscription to psychological warfare.