Im 26 now , still in college , no driver's license, i feel like I'm stuck at the age of 15 , when i watch people younger than me having responsibilities that fit their age , i wonder will I ever be able to handle such responsibilities or even more ? i feel like I'm not ready for the real world .

i work two part time jobs currently and obviously it’s triggering and stresses me the hell out especially because one of them is a toxic work environment. i have a masters esthetics license and worked at multiple med spas near me and it’s such a shady business. i have no college degrees or anything, im 23. i don’t ever see myself actually having a full time job as im too inconsistent, get bored and stressed easily and it triggers episodes. i just started lamictal and im trying to manage this on my own but i dont see myself ever having a stable career. how do yall manage this? do yall have stable careers?

This is just a post to appreciate everything my mama has done for me.

When I used to cry in her arms, screaming, “I don’t know what’s real, I don’t know if you’re a robot,” she would offer me a cup of hot milk and honey. She would crush up my antipsychotics and put them in my hot milk and honey.

When I was manic, she’d give me “melatonin” but it was actually promethazine- just to make sure I slept that night.

She phoned my mental health team so many times, always pushing for me to be seen, always being my biggest advocate.

She would cradle me in her arms, in bed, whilst I cried my heart out. She would sleep next to me at night to make sure I didn’t harm myself.

When I was depressed, she’d make me a strong coffee and buy some dark chocolate for me to eat- she swore that dark chocolate has anti-depressant properties and I believe she is right.

She doesn’t judge me when I need to take diazepam, in fact, she encourages me to take diazepam when I feel like I need it.

When I was manic, and kept reading random numbers as signs that “forces” were communicating with me, she redirected my attention and shared her concerns with me without being confrontational.

She listened to every piece of advice the mental health professionals gave her. She would take me for walks in my favourite spots.

She bought a safe to lock all of our medications in so I wouldn’t overdose. She bought me a first aid kit so I could tend to any self-injury. That was a massive thing, because she realised she couldn’t stop me from self-harming, but she made sure to reduce the risk to myself and I can’t imagine how hard that is for a mother.

I gave up drinking alcohol, and every day, she holds my hands and says, “I’m so proud of you, you’re really trying and I know how hard it is.”

I love you, mama. Thank you for saving my life through those hellish years

Back in 2019, I was living a pretty good life. I lived with a partner, I had a commuter car and a sports car. I lived in a nice and lively area of a major metropolitan city. Good job (recently promoted) with good benefits, and an income of approximately $105k/year. At that time, I almost made money faster than I could spend. I kept the car loans just so I could benefit from the credit score increase. Both the loans were 2.49% or less. Basically cost me no money to keep the loans.

Then 2020 hit and the world lost is goddamn mind, myself included. I couldn't tell you exactly when but my brain broke and I couldn't work. I figured I'd take time off and return to my career after a few months. Those idle months turned into a year and a half with a good splash of substance abuse. Eventually, I moved back home around my family, ditched my partner at the time since I realized she didn't give a shit about me, watched me wither and provided no support, and took less stressful jobs.

Went twice to the grippy sock hotel and cleaned up. Diagnosed with bipolar 2, ADHD, and PTSD. That's in addition to having type 1 diabetes (31 years). I'm currently on my 7th job in 4 years. I have to take so many days off due to mental health or medical health that it is difficult for me to keep a job. All of my conditions interact with each other and I'm able to stave off one from the other. I've used my PTO to protect myself from poor work performance but I'm, yet again, out of PTO. It feels like my cognitive abilities are disappearing, that I'm unable to think better, even though I'm medicated.

I'm at a point where I should apply for disability and get a no stress part time gig because that's about all I can handle. My current partner (who is an enormous upgrade from my previous partner) will support me with whatever decision I make. I just feel defeated. I'm the only person in my entire bloodline with a college degree (I have 2) and my mind is going to mush.

I need to reassure myself that'll all come out in the wash. That's all.

Edit: now that I thought about it, all 7 of those jobs were in different industries, from teaching to fabrication to management. I'm clearly good/great at things and didn't have issues with my actual work product, just my attendance.

Edit 2: I just got let go. Awesome.

I was diagnosed 7 months ago and it's a world of difference. Before I was diagnosed my mind was nimble, I could do things well, I could deal with stress and I was fucking capable. I could pass exams with flying colors. Now, after being diagnosed, I feel blunted, I feel stupid, I keep on wanting to bedrot, I keep getting into accidents, I am anxious all the time. What gives? I want my old functioning self back.

They Say Bipolar Disorder Gets Worse as You Get Older.

I think that’s probably because after years upon years of extreme high hopes and crashing, disappointing lows, you get weaker.

And the mess the illness creates gets bigger.

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

My heart has been broken.

My dreams have been crushed by others.

But, to be honest, mostly by myself.

Because after years upon years of never being able to get to the finish line, getting so close I can see it, I’m rerouted back to the beginning.

And at first, I think all those fresh starts gave me renewed fuel.

It didn’t kill me.

It made me stronger.

But I fear that this time, the damage is far too great.

I am weaker than ever.

The mess is disastrous.

I have lost my children,

my livelihood.

Hell, I can’t even walk well anymore.

I don’t fit into society’s box.

I don’t know how people want me to show up for them anymore.

And there’s one part of me that doesn’t care.

I’ve been “performing” for years.

But when I sob myself to sleep,

I cry.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”

I’m so damn sorry.

I can’t fully let go of who I was supposed to be.

But I can’t get there.

Best I can do is continue to pray to a God that, at this point, I’m certain doesn’t exist.

For acceptance, courage, a miracle...

Or maybe they'll finally find just the right pharmaceutical cocktail this time.

Until then I feel frozen between two realities

One being life

The other death.

If you're reading this and you get it

Im so damn sorry.

(Sorry if I wrote something wrong, English isn't my first language)

Today I went to my therapy session, as I always do. Every monday. Im not a sensitive person. I don't cry. I just hide my feelings for years. since I was a little girl, because

I just want to be loved.

I always received labels: shy, introverted, studious, talkative, annoying, whereas my sisters were always loved and viewed favorably.

And as I grew up, I always put the interests of others above my own, because I wanted to be loved too.

I erased myself, I polished myself, I tried to fit into molds that hurt me in an attempt to please others, but nothing changed around me.I'm 33, and I'm still trying to be loved for who I am.

I had a few friends. I had them, in the past, because when my behavior didn't match with what they expected of me, my good labels, the ones on the surface, were ripped off and replaced.

I feel like the alligator in this story.

I won't give away any spoilers about how the story unfolds, but I remembered this book during therapy.

So I cried.

I cried because I know what it's like to be evaluated, Labeled, simply for existing, like the alligator.

I don't know if I'm managing to explain what I'm feeling right now. I needed to use a translator to write this. I cried because I realized I need to refine myself to be accepted, that I still receive bad labels because people only see a part of me and don't want to know the whole person.

I cried because I feel guilty when I realize I'm having a more euphoric day and I have to constantly monitor myself so people don't misinterpret me.

I cried for the moments when I tried to fit in and still didn't.

I'm crying now.

I just wanted to vent and share my experience since I can't really tell anyone else. I only recently found this subreddit and it made me feel much less alone.

I had a hypomanic episode a little bit ago, I was on top of the world getting everything my avoidant OCD brain had been pushing away done for once. I was fearless. Then poof, depressed. As usual.

This time feels different though. At first it wasn't this bad but it gradually became like this.

I feel like a robot, the way I move and do things, going through the motions, very slowly. Even my thoughts and words are slow.

I don't feel much except for maybe occasionally anger and sadness, but I can't cry. And I'm so very anxious, but not in a frantic way like I usually am. More like I'm anxious but I can't bring myself to care enough either, or come up with a solution to any of it. And when I do come up with one, I can't do it. Physically.

I can't do much at all. I'm heavy. Even breathing is heavy. I can't bring myself to say much, or even make facial expressions.

It was never this numb, heavy and lethargic before. It was always very sad and achey, like heartbreak, with lots of negative emotions and tears. Now it's achey in the sense that I feel like lead.

Its all the same everyday either be demented by lamictal or crumble, I cant live like this and im sure this med will fucking speedrun dementia and Will be banned in the future but its all I have fuckkkkkkkkk

F23 and finally took the courage to see a therapist this year and talk about my issues. I got diagnosed with bipolar and the sessions were going well. I hadn’t gone in 2 months because I’ve been doing okay, no bad episodes thankfully, but I just found out sessions have increased in pricing… ugh seems like I can’t go anymore since I can’t afford them and I hadn’t told my mom about it. I guess I’ll wait til I get a steady job to pay for them but I’m gonna miss my therapist!

So ive been severely depressed for over a month now. Im on 200mg Lamictal and ive been on it for 7+ years its been life saving. This depression ive had is something ive never ever experienced before and its starting to scare me. Talked to my psych today and he wants me to start adding 1 mg of Abilify. Im terrified of Akathisia and Insomnia. I literally have anxiety about not sleeping so. Any experiences or advice to give? I have prn clonazepam but I try to avoid taking it. I am just freaking out. 😅 Anything informational is highly appreciated. Dosage, when to take, side effects, etc etc. I need to get out of this hole though. It is dark and scary and im not myself.

I’ve been in I think a mixed state lately. I’ve been basically saying fuck it and buying a bunch of clothes off of Depop and Vinted. Also buying a bunch of parts for my car I don’t need not to mention it’s in need of repair. I have been trying to determine what’s wrong with it and have bought several parts to try and fix it, but I have also been buying a bunch of shit I don’t need for it cause it’s fun and, dopamine need I say more. 🤣 Sucks though cause now my cc is hovering at maxed out. Then I get super depressed and self depreciating thinking about how much of a fuck up I am for spending all my family’s money on bullshit. Really need to snap out of this shit. My brain just keeps telling me fuck it I’ll do what I want. I’ll do whatever makes me feel good. I wanna stop. Just really struggling to regain self control.

Is this normal? Has anyone had a similar experience? My psychiatrist said that I am having a mixed episode. This has been my first mixed episode and I was stable for five months on 100mg of lamotrigine and 75mg of Seroquel. A few weeks ago I started having a mixed state depressive episode. I feel a paranoid lack in trust of everything and everyone, my mind is making me feel like I can’t trust my long time partner, and friends. My partner is my biggest supporter and I love him dearly but my brain won’t stop giving me intrusive thoughts with ideas of mistrust and a feeling of disconnection, it’s like I don’t know who he is, which is a feeling I’ve never had before. My psych increased my lamotrigine to 200 and my Seroquel to 150mg and 10mg of diazepam PNR. After two weeks I still feel the same. I am deeply depressed and paranoid. I feel like I don’t know anyone anymore. I feel like a burden on him and my loved ones, I’m so scared this disease will destroy my relationship, I can’t imagine a life without him, and love him so deeply the idea of losing him ruins me. I feel like I’m falling deeper into the void and I have no control and no idea who anyone is or who I am anymore. I want the best for my loved ones. I just feel like everything’s a lie. Who can I trust

Im on 225mg of lamotrigine. I feel fairly normal. Still some mild mood swings and random periods of lows mostly lasting a day or a few days, but in general, normal. The issue is that I’m starting to think that maybe I exaggerated a bit or something. Like maybe I wasn’t that bad before medication. I primarily dealt with lows that came for months and then left. My hypomania was hard to pin down. A month or two of feeling up. A few weeks of obsessive worry and anxiety. Mainly depressed since 25 (34 now diagnosed at 32). But what if I was just productive? What if I dont need the meds? Ive tried talking to my family and they say things like “well maybe you were just depressed? I get sad sometimes too.”

I dont know. I just feel like people have it worse than me. I’ve powered through and achieved a lot in life. I dont really have anyone to talk to besides my therapist so I’m not sure what to think. Feeling very isolated and wish I could find a support group or something. Even then I feel like I would be an imposter showing up. Just thinking out loud here to other people that might be able to relate.

EDIT: I think it’s just the meds working. Like you all said. I wont get off them as I do feel like my lows are gone for the most part. Thanks everyone. Just needed to talk to other people that are going through the same thing. I really appreciate you all.

I have struggled with my weight for the last 3-4 years and decided to try GLP-1. I’ve been taking Tirzepatide for about 3-4 months, and it’s helping me on the weight loss but it has impacted my mood quite a bit.

I started on 2.0mg, stayed on that for 2 months, went up to 4.0mg for ~1 month and then I took a break, went back down to 2.0mg now up to 2.5mg

About 1 month in, I had a hypomanic episode - it was the purest of pure and it tricked me. I thought this, along with some other intentional changes I’m making in my life had finally cracked the code and unlocked access to interest in life and motivation to do things. It cooled rather than crashed which coincided with my increase to 4.0, so I thought the higher dose was the problem and was chasing that elusive feeling of what genuinely just felt like normal-ass living.

It took me over a month to realize that it was an episode, and when I did realize it, I was shattered. Like I was mourning a loss.

I’m on lamictal (50) and Wellbutrin (150), have been for years and I’ve been pretty stable. My last episode was 2+ years ago. Although this episode has made me realize that I’ve been “living” with depression for many years. Very low interest and motivation.

Anyway, I’m trying to figure out what if any role GLP-1 has actually played through all this. And tbh most importantly, trying to figure out how I can raise the floor on my depression (esp with winter around the corner).

One thing I feel quite certain about is - when I was on 4.0, the day after, I consistently felt a motivation cliff that was worst on day 1 and gradually improved throughout the week. I’d be interested in hearing other people’s experiences with GLP-1.

I’m in high school, so I mean keep doing my schoolwork but the advice is probably similar, right? I used to be at an alternative school, so if I was going through an episode I just Didn’t Work for a while. Which was okay there, and I got good grades anyways because it was an alternative school, but this year I’m at a normal school and I have to work if I don’t want to fail and also get super behind in math and chemistry and not be able to catch up. Which has already happened to an extent.

I haven’t had an episode since December of last year… until now. I knew it was only a matter of time but I wasn’t prepared either. It’s my fault anyways, it wasn’t random. I relapsed on drugs and went on a week-long binge. I came clean about it pretty quickly and I’m trying to be sober again. I should have asked for more help before I got to the point of using drugs, but I was afraid that I wouldn’t be “normal” enough. Ha. ha. ha. Now I’m thinking about suicide again and am a week sober… I’m so fucking stupid.

I’m doing well by bipolar depression standards but badly by healthy people standards. I have a bunch of work that I haven’t done, some of which is now past the deadline and I just have 0s on some assignments. I can keep my room… well, it’s messy, but it’s not dirty. Like within one standard deviation of a teenager’s room, not a depression room. I am journaling regularly, I shoot for every day but it’s like 4 days a week. I can still do my hobbies, but less than usual. So for bipolar depression, it’s good. But that doesn’t really matter in my life anymore; it’s not relative to me, it’s relative to teenagers in honors courses.

But, whatever! How do I work during this? Are there other strategies then “use a planner”? Because I keep getting told to use a planner… time management (or for that matter attention) isn’t the problem. When I can do an assignment, I can finish it, and do okay. But mostly, I can’t find it in me to start.

Hi so I’m currently on 150mg Wellbutrin, 50mg Pristiq, 75mg Lamatical. Ik it’s not recommended and can be dangerous but I still drink and ski snow slopes occasionally. I’m increasing my Wellbutrin to 300mg and I’m nervous.

Basically I just want to know if there is anyone in a similar position as me. I don’t plan on making any lifestyle changes but I also dont want to d*e. Please lmk

I hate it bc they are overlap so hard that I feel like an imposter.

Psychiatric Assessment:

Bipolar II Disorder - MRE depressed/dysphoric

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (caused by childhood trauma)

My therapist (me only the 3rd time we have talked) mentioned today that he thinks most of my issues are shame and guilt related. #THANKSMOM.....

I feel like I don't even know where I belong anymore.

I've cut off all but 6 people in my life 3 of which are my children.

I just want to hide in a hole and pretend none of it is real.

I also just started a new medication, which has seemingly put me into a HM state.

I've also recently learned it is possible to have debilitating control during these episodes. Which always made me feel like an imposter, but it comes from the shame and guilt.

There is so much more I could say and want to but my brain is moving too fast currently to make coherent thoughts.

Pretty much every day I crash and can't keep my head up. I'm in my office just laying on the floor. It really sucks when I wanna work, but just typing and keeping my head up is too much. I'm not even sleepy, it just feels like I can barely move. It's exhausting.

ETA: I want to bring blankets and an air mat to my workspace (cause I spend so much time on the floor). But that kinda feels like giving in to whatever this is.

Lithium didn't work out for me. I had a lot of migraines and nausea on it.

I think the options I have left are Depakote and Seroquel, but I'm really afraid of the weight gain. I'm already quite obese.

Could you share your experiences with either of them, especially regarding weight?

I noticed this pattern where I’d eat and when becoming full I feel sadness like I could cry. It’s so strange 😭

I would like to hear about what other people with this condition, how they would deal with something like this. I am 23 (nearing 24). I am trying to transfer from my CC to a four-year university. I want to figure out how to get out of this situation. I would appreciate any advice. I only recently got my bipolar diagnosis (finally) a few weeks ago and idk what to think of it. I am trying, that's for sure.