After receiving a pass on my last outstanding full request, I'm calling quits on my second novel's query journey. As much as I appreciate the stats posts related to successful queries, I feel like I get more perspective from the failure stats since they seem to be a more typical picture of the process. Some highlights are below, if anyone is curious about specific metrics or details I'm happy to provide them.

The querying process was paused after my first batch of ~10 when I made the decision to work in some substantial story updates and then hire a dev editor. I knew that I would self-pub if the story didn't get picked up, so decided to invest in the MS while also giving myself the best chance possible at landing a trad deal. That introduced a delay of ~ 1 year between the initial batch of 10 queries and the subsequent push. I found my editor through substack and would be happy to share private feedback/info if anyone is interested in potentially using them.

My title changed several times throughout the process, which is probably not an ideal strategy, but I just couldn't find one I really loved and hoped that trying a handful throughout the batches might result in one achieving superior results (obviously none did).

After the first batch, there were another ~4 batches separated by about a month each, with total submission volume going up significantly once I got my first positive query response in May of this year.

I primarily found agents through keyword searches on MSWL and by browsing their individual profiles either linked from QT or by reading my way through agency websites. I tried to focus on agents that had specific callouts for elements in my story rather than simply blasting it off to everyone accepting the basic genre. If the response were more positive I might continue to widen my pool of agents, but at this point it doesn't feel like that effort would be rewarded.

Genre: Psychological Suspense

Word Count: 76k

Rounds of QCrit feedback here ~7, in my post history if anyone cares to look

Total Queries Sent: 63

Total time: 19 months (10 in spring 2025, long break, then remainder from February 2026 onward)

Full Requests: 2 (1 from in person pitch event prior to dev edit)

Partial Requests: 1

Form Rejections (estimate) - 45

Average Response Time ~ 2 months

Fastest Response Times - Next day/immediate (just a few in this camp)

Long term CNRs - 5

Outstanding Queries - 8 aged between 3-4 months

Personalized feedback received in 5-10 queries (guessing because occasionally hard to tell)

Most common personalized feedback was some variation on, "really like the concept, read pages with interest, but didn't connect with writing/characters/voice enough to request more material, best of luck."

My opening pages (specifically the opening paragraphs) are pretty structurally unconventional. Editor agreed that the payoff later was worth it, but acknowledged that it likely meant an uphill battle for querying. He also mentioned that while the story had obvious merits, he might struggle envisioning it at any specific major imprint due to its genre blend/subject matter.

Parting thoughts: If you want a tradpub deal, the opening paragraphs and pages feel tremendously overweight in importance compared to the actual meat/potatoes of the story. Understanding the conventions agents/editors are looking for and obeying them is not just recommended, but likely necessary given how fully saturated the marketplace is. If you don't know what those conventions/expectations are, then get educated. I tried to fight this fight and lost. Would still encourage people to do what they feel is best for their novel/story, but if you're trying to do something unconventional, adjust your expectations accordingly.

Also, between when I queried my first novel several years ago and now, it seems as if 1-2 sentence pitches are becoming MUCH more standard in successful queries (this is a general feel, not backed by specific research). Including a 1-2 sentence pitch at the start of your query was not (and might still not) be part of the standard querying format advice offered here, but those pitches seem to be vastly over-represented in successful queries I've seen lately and in agent form recommendations, and it makes sense. With time only becoming more stressed due to submission overload, they want to be drawn in as quickly as possible, and a 1 sentence pitch is a great way to do that.

That's about it, like I said, happy to answer whatever additional questions folks might have and hope you all have better luck in your efforts!

Dear [Agent Name],

AGREE AND CONTINUE is an 82,000-word high-concept thriller that combines the impossible choice of T.J. Newman’s Falling with the rogue tech of Blake Crouch’s Upgrade.

On her first day at a remote job, Brin Piercy is welcomed by a chipper onboarding chatbot. But instead of showing her a training video, it streams a live feed of her ex-boyfriend—blindfolded and tied to a chair. Next come the instructions. Five days to complete five tasks. Fail once, her ex loses a finger. Fail twice, he dies.

The tasks require boots on the ground at her new employer’s offices around the world. That’s a problem, because Brin is stuck in a Newfoundland outport caring for her bedridden father. From her laptop, she coordinates unsuspecting gig workers across the globe. A courier serves an executive with fake divorce papers. A caterer swaps an ingredient in a board member’s omelet.

The executive ends up in jail, the board member in a morgue. As the chatbot sheds its cheery facade, Brin recognizes its personality. It’s Grit, the “personal growth via digital friction” AI she created at her failed startup to inject random setbacks into cushy lives. A canceled flight here. A frozen credit card there. Then it went too far, draining nest eggs and wrecking marriages, so she shut it down.

Someone brought Grit back, upgraded it from agitator to killer, and made Brin its human proxy. To save the man she still loves and delete the menace she created, Brin must find out who’s behind the keyboard. Finishing the next task means another dead stranger. Quitting means watching her ex die onscreen.

I’m a software developer who grew up in a tiny Newfoundland village two hours from the nearest traffic light. Before moving into tech, I spent twelve years as a journalist, with work published in Reader’s Digest, Newsweek, and The Christian Science Monitor.

Thank you for your consideration,
[Name]

It's time for round nine! I think. Don't quote me on that. It's been a while since we did this.

This thread is specifically for query feedback on where (if at all) an agency reader might stop reading a query, hit the reject button, and send a submission to the great wastepaper basket in the sky.

Despite the premise, this post is open to everyone. Agent, agency reader/intern, published author, agented author, regular poster, lurker, or person who visited this sub for the first time five minutes ago.

This thread exists outside of rule 9; if you’ve posted in the last 7 days, or plan to post within the next 7 days, you’re still permitted to share here.

If you'd like to participate, post your query below, including your age category, genre, and word count. Commenters are asked to call out what line would make them stop reading, if any. Explanations are welcome, but not required. While providing some feedback is fine, please reserve in-depth critique for individual QCrit post.

One query per poster per thread, please. Should you choose to share your work, you must respond to at least one other query.

If you see any rule-breaking, please use report function rather than engaging.

Have fun!

Hi everyone! I'm an author-illustrator and my debut picture book came out recently, so I'm fairly new to the industry. I'm lucky to have offers from two agencies, one large and well-known and one smaller and independent (mid-size).

I've talked with both agents and a couple of their clients, and honestly everything looks very similar. Both are responsive, explain contracts, respect their clients' vision and defend it with editors, and both are good at developing projects before submission. The one real difference is personality, and maybe experience/seniority (?).

The agent at the large agency has been in the industry for a long time (20+ years) and has a longer track record. They're more businesslike and direct, a bit more "shark" you could say, and they seem to have a very clear idea of how the industry works, from editorial notes to publishing houses. When we met, they asked me really good questions about the new book ideas I'm working on.

The agent at the smaller agency is younger and has been in the industry for far fewer years, but I imagine that also means they're hungry to work. They're warmer and a real admirer of my work. According to their clients, they're less shark-like, but they'll do and solve whatever you ask, and they said it feels like "having a team" or a "big sibling who would step up for you". This agent also has a smaller list. I've seen two books from their list in a lot of places lately, but I don't know how much they had to do with the editorial vision. I also didn't send them my new ideas before our first meeting, so I don't know yet how good they'd be as an editorial advisor for them.

I'm not a very businesslike person myself, so I keep going back and forth on whether I'd be better off with an agent who is more like me and a fan of my work (smaller agency), or one who is less like me and doesn't come across as much of a fan (though they have made it clear that they like my work) but seems to have more experience.

I'm also wondering whether the name of the big agency actually matters for my career, with editors, publishers, or later on, and whether I should take the opportunity of being part of a big-name agency while I have it, or if I'd just be overvaluing it.

What would you pay attention to in a decision like this? Is there something I'm not seeing, or a question I should ask before I decide? And if you've worked with both kinds of agents, did the difference in personality, experience, or agency size matter in the long run?

Thank you so much!

Hello all, happy to hear any comments on my first attempt at a query letter before I start querying agents :)

Dear Agent,

A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO MUSEUM THEFT is a classic mystery complete at 78,000 words. It combines the lost-artifact shenanigans of Tom Ryan's The Treasure Hunter's Club with the criminal family dynamics of Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone, and a smattering of anti-colonial critique in the vein of Stephen Graham Jones' Off the Reservation.

Amelia Mead is all too familiar with grave robbers. Unfortunately, she's related to quite a few.

As the scion of a famous family of thieves, she's determined never to end up like them. Through her job at one of Britain's oldest museums, she's been trying to return a priceless artifact stolen by one of her ancestors, though museum bureaucracy isn't making it easy.

Her plans are thoroughly derailed when someone breaks into her museum and steals the artifact - and murders her least-favourite coworker in the process. A sociopathic police detective reasons that Amelia, as one of the infamous Meads, must be the culprit. Her only hope of avoiding prison for a crime (she swears) she didn't commit is to solve the murder and find the artifact herself.

But the murderer may not be finished just yet. And - even worse - Amelia realizes that in order to catch a thief, she may have to begin thinking like one. As she crosses swords with museum curators, shadowy organizations, and suspiciously handsome archaeologists, Amelia must decide what's most important: escaping her family legacy, or using a hereditary criminal talent for the greater good.

I have a decade of experience in the museum field, though no one has ever been murdered during one of my projects. [More bio]

Thank you for your consideration!

Using my two week period to learn about agent contracts a bit while waiting on the others. My application to Authors' Guild to take advantage of the legal review is still pending. The sample contract I got is from a mid sized agency and it sounds like commissions are all standard. My main questions have to do with termination (the point of most contracts?) - the language is vague on tail and they would basically retain a lot of rights for a long time after potential termination.

- Are there standards for what we can reasonably expect when it comes to these termination clauses?
- Has anyone succeeded in negotiating or narrowing these? It would be directly with the agency instead of with your agent right?

Hi all,

Has anyone worked with Storm publishing? I believe they are in some way connected to Storm Lit Agency? They do ask for the full manuscript to be uploaded for your query. And I'm jw if anyone has experience with them?

TiA!!

Has anyone had success with their literary fiction manuscript being picked up by a university press? If so, what was the process like for you?

We got notes back from an editor who said they’re totally onboard if we’re open to one big change and several smaller tweaks.

They said they don’t want to do an R&R, but would rather just see a revision plan for second reads and go from there.

To folks who’ve done these before, how are they supposed to be formatted? Is it just paragraphs explaining the changes you’ll make? Bullet points? Or what?

Dear Agent,

Angela Dunley never felt intimacy until she drank a man’s blood. 
Working at a gym, she spends her days surrounded by beautiful men she’s convinced would never be interested in a bigger woman like herself. Years of bullying and isolation have curdled into resentment and violent fantasies she's fought to suppress. 

On the first anniversary of her father's death, Angela is still stinging from a gymgoer calling her "brave" for working there at her size. When a stranded motorist calls her brave for stopping to help, she hears another insult. She knocks him unconscious and drives him home with no plan beyond keeping him there. When he wakes and tries to escape, Angela slashes his throat in a panic. As he bleeds out, she's overwhelmed by the thought of being alone again. She drinks from the wound, convinced that with part of him inside her, he can never leave. Desperate to recapture that closeness, she begins luring men home and escalates to eating their flesh.

Her ritual unravels when she captures Grayson, a sharp-tongued man she's spent weeks watching from afar. His refusal to cower like previous victims throws her off balance. Then she learns he's a senator's son, and his disappearance makes headlines. Too rattled to kill him and too afraid he'll expose her if released, she keeps him alive. As the weeks pass, captivity takes on a strange domestic routine. He asks about her father. She lets him eat downstairs. And somewhere between their conversations and his handcuffed dinners, her fascination with him deepens into love. Yet she can't tell whether his tenderness is genuine or a way to survive. 

When investigators connect Grayson’s disappearance to the missing men, Angela knows their time is running out. Letting him go could mean prison. Killing him means losing the only man she wants to keep alive.

ALL THAT PRETTY FLESH is a 70,000-word adult psychological horror novel that combines the unsettling sexual tension of Eliza Clark’s Boy Parts with the female rage and cannibalism of Monika Kim’s The Eyes Are the Best Part.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, 
[signature]

__________________________________________________________________

Thank you again for those who provided feedback on my last post! It seems that the plot itself became more clear on my second revision, but Angela's jump from lonely woman to serial killer/cannibal felt too abrupt. I worked on bridging that gap as well as fleshing out her dynamic with Grayson and using less generic language around that section.

A few people mentioned I didn't include a bio, which I'm very torn on. I've heard sometimes it's better to skip one if you don't have any previous publications or writing achievements to include, so I'd love to hear thoughts on that as well.

Thank you for those who read this far!

Dear NAME,

Banba’s twenty, out of the care system, and good at forgetting. She pours coffee on Botanic Avenue because it’s hard to fail at pouring coffee. And coffee doesn’t ask where you’re from. In 1995 Belfast, everyone else does, which really means: Catholic or Protestant? Which side are you on? Banba has never had an answer.

Then an acid tab goes wrong, and she’s in a bog, reaching for a woman buried to the waist and screaming without a sound. Within days, Belfast is rotting, and the woman keeps calling through radio static, “Remember me.” Banba finds a book about a goddess with her name, and it reads like her file. Maybe that’s her answer. She’s the land. The bit they’re all fighting over.

The rot has a name: Carman, a sorceress the old gods chained in a Wexford field, held there by memory. People forgot. Banba could have told them how easy that is. Now Carman is free, and she wants revenge on the gods who put her there. That means Banba, and everyone she loves, starting with Charlotte, the nearest thing she had to a mother, found dead in the back of her own café. If Banba can’t bind her again, Ireland rots for good.

Armed with a blade Carman can’t touch, Banba starts tracking her, her best friend Saoirse complaining the whole way. And Ciarán, the guitarist she’s falling for, has a sensible explanation for every dead tree, until she puts the blade to his throat.

BANBA is an adult speculative novel rooted in Irish mythology, complete at 80,000 words, set in late 1995, the last winter of the IRA ceasefire. It’s for readers of Alix E. Harrow’s STARLING HOUSE and C.J. Cooke’s THE GHOST WOODS, with Derry Girls humour.

I’m an Irish writer and traditional musician who grew up on council estates in Northern Ireland in the 90s, and, like Banba, I’ve eaten a Pot Noodle with a toothbrush. Thanks for your time.

Best wishes,
NAME

Hi y'all! Here's the (final) version of my query. I plan on sending out a new batch in the coming weeks, so I'm hoping these revisions have strengthened my pitch. All the tips I got on my last version were very helpful! Thanks in advance <3

-

The 100 meets Silver Elite in RUSTED SKIES, a 102,000-word new adult science fantasy novel with a strong romantic subplot and duology potential. For readers who crave the hidden truths and slow-burn romance of Samantha Shannon’s The Bone Season and the gritty, emotionally charged survival elements of K. L. Speer’s Bones, RUSTED SKIES merges genre-blending worldbuilding with a haunting fish-out-of-water experience.

Never feel. Never react. Never trigger forbidden magic. Those who do are punished.

The Nitrynian Council has conditioned Sol to suppress every feeling, so when her mother is executed for an emotional outburst, she feels nothing. The Council then sends Sol’s crew to Earth to assess its habitability, and their ship crashes, stranding them amid infinite hills of scorching sand. With their food running low, Sol focuses on finding a way to keep from starving. But her fight for survival takes a turn when she’s separated from her crew and captured by Dax Reyes, a Human who shouldn’t exist.

Sol has never heard of Humans, yet Dax looks exactly like her people. He takes her to a thriving underground colony, whose leaders offer a way to find her crew: mastering her forbidden magic so she can track them through her mind. Desperate to reunite with them, she decides to train under Dax, risking the emotions the Council taught her to fear. But as Dax helps her unlock her powers, their growing attraction complicates her mission, and she starts to wonder what it means that their people are so alike.

Now that Sol is learning to feel, her grief over her mother’s death drives her to investigate a strange object her mother left behind before her execution. When Sol realizes the object may reveal a secret the Council has spent generations hiding, one that ties Humans and Nitrynians together, her search for her crew becomes a hunt for the truth. Worse still, uncovering the lie could force Sol to question whether Nitrynians deserve saving at all.

Hey everyone! I've revised my query quite substantially since the last version and would be grateful for any additional feedback.

----------------------------

Dear Agent,

DUTY AND DEVOTION is an 88,000-word historical novel set in the Royal Navy during the American Revolutionary War. It combines the naval atmosphere and complex repationships of Suzanne Shaw’s Of Ships and Sealing Wax with the intimate storytelling of Ariel Lawhon’s The Frozen River.

Serena Powell, a midwife and lady’s attendant, joins a ship carrying British officers’ families to their wartime stations in the American Colonies. With her ginger infusions and easy conversation, she brings comfort to those forced to leave home behind. Having long feared she may never conceive, Serena has relinquished the hope of children of her own, though her longing for a family remains.

Lieutenant Ernest Fowler has built his life around duty, believing that to want a home and family is to give war another means of hurting those he might leave behind. More comfortable in a gale than in conversation, he has never allowed himself to become attached to a woman. When he helps Serena attend a birth aboard ship, he discovers a longing he has long suppressedrawn to her physically and intellectually, he pushes her away even as she seeks the tenderness he cannot offer.

Ernest’s closest friend and superior, Lieutenant William Clayton, is a devoted husband and father, separated from his family by war. Serena finds an ease with William that eludes her with Ernest, and their afternoon teas deepen into a tenderness that culminates in a kiss. William must choose between pursuing his desire for Serena and remaining faithful to the wife he may not see again for years.

When a naval battle leaves William wounded, Serena tends to him; delirious with pain, he mistakes her for his wife, and she must decide whether to let him believe it. Her duties as a midwife continue: when a woman aboard ship dies, Serena takes her orphaned newborn into her care, and Ernest, drawn into caring for the child alongside her, begins to imagine a family with her. By the time they reach England, that fragile prospect seems within reach. But William’s condition deteriorates, and Serena may be his only remaining comfort as he faces the possibility of never seeing his family again. Meanwhile, France’s entry into the war sends Ernest back to sea, threatening the future he and Serena have only just begun to imagine. All three must decide what they owe to those they love, and what they are willing to sacrifice for them.

I am XYZ, a former Polish Army soldier and midwifery student with a longstanding interest in maritime history. My background draws me to stories of duty, care, belonging, and the ties that endure across distance.

Thank you for your consideration.

---------

In particular, u/InevitableBook2440, u/bighead_jimmy, and u/melofnotknowledge, I'd really appreciate it if you could take another look as well. Thank you! :)

Dear Agent,

OBEY THE SIGNAL is an 80,000-word supernatural horror novel in the vein of Clay McLeod Chapman’s Wake Up and Open Your Eyes and Kiersten White’s Mister Magic.

Claire never thought she’d end up here—thirty-four, divorced, jobless, and back in her hometown. Between grieving her marriage, running into familiar faces that reopen old wounds, and hunting for jobs, she has to relearn how to live under her parents’ roof, where privacy doesn’t exist.

Woodberry is exactly as she remembers it, except for one thing: everyone is hooked on a local talk show called Obey the Signal, hosted by the charismatic, snow-haired Conrad Vane. He claims it’s been on for decades, but Claire doesn’t remember ever watching it as a kid.

Soon her parents, who never miss an episode, start acting strangely. Her dad talks to the TV when nothing is on the screen. Her mom stands in the corner of Claire's bedroom at night, watching her sleep. And whenever the show airs, the whole town goes into a trance.

Claire learns something her parents brush off as gossip: every time a special episode airs, someone in Woodberry goes missing, and whenever they do, Claire sees them, sitting in the audience.

Then Conrad Vane announces a thirtieth-anniversary special, just days away. Claire must decide whether to run from Woodberry while she still can, or stay and end Obey the Signal before it consumes her parents—and the rest of the town.

I’m a full-time indie horror author from [REDACTED], writing in English as my second language. Several of my books have been adapted into audiobooks by [REDACTED] and [REDACTED], some have been translated into German and Italian, and a story from my collection [REDACTED] was adapted into a short film, with possible interest in a feature-length version down the line.

Thank you so much for taking OBEY THE SIGNAL into consideration.

First 300:

You guessed it. REDACTED.

I queried a few small and mid-size publishers in June of this year. One requested a full, but then ultimately passed.

Recently, I received this reply (below) from another traditional publisher. I haven’t found anything suspicious when researching them, but it definitely seems weird to mention that “our CEO would like to speak with you directly.”

Anyone ever receive a reply like this? How did it end up going?

I’m obviously on my guard for scams and things that seem too good to be true. Any insight is appreciated!

Email:

Thank you for sending us [manuscript title]. We've now had the chance to read it in full, and we think it fits our list.

I'd like to set up a brief conversation about the manuscript and what we have in mind - [name], our CEO, would like to speak with you
directly.

Could you send over a few times that work for you next week, along with your time zone? We'll take it from there and send a calendar invite.

Here are my first and second attempts — if you read my second attempt, you'll recall that I've spent months trying to get this thing into better shape after no interest from a handful of agents.

I HOPE I'm getting closer with specificity and movement, but my main issue now seems to be that the word count is still sitting around 420 words. I know there is probably some fat left to be trimmed, but I can't for the life of me find it.

As always, thank you to everyone who has read and provided thoughts on any version of this query!

--

Dear [AGENT],

I’m happy to share YOU’VE BEEN CANCELLED!, complete at 79,000 words. The satirically delusional protagonist of Meredith Hambrock’s SHE’S A LAMB! meets the twisty social commentary of Liann Zhang’s JULIE CHAN IS DEAD in this “coming of rage” psychological thriller and dark comedy.

As a rising relationship influencer, Alana Wilson loves profiting off of women’s insecurities. Until she realizes it might not pay for much longer: she’s forced to split from Matt, her husband and the backbone of her content, when his mistress threatens to go public. To make matters worse, someone knows about the role Alana played in a classmate’s death years ago, and they’re using it to extort her. She’s hemorrhaging money just to keep her secret hidden and avoid prison—or worse, losing her millions of admirers—but she’s a certified girlboss. She just needs a new content strategy to finally secure the brand deal that would set her for life and give her the resources to track down her blackmailer, burying her secret for good.

But when an AI-generated video depicting Alana screaming racist slurs goes viral, the social media empire she’s killed herself to build topples overnight. She’s dropped by her manager, blasted by CNN, dragged into bar fights, and forced to wield hammers against strange men lurking outside her house—all while trying to figure out who is hell-bent on destroying her life. When she’s not breaking into Matt’s laptop to search for evidence or obsessively stalking Charlie, her two-faced best friend and more successful competitor, she’s entrapping Zay, her new millionaire boyfriend who might hold the answers (and the cash) to all her problems, despite her suspicions that he’s hiding something from her.

Alana is running out of time: if she doesn’t come up with the funds for her next blackmail payment, the police documents that she thought her father had bribed away—before her parents died under tragic circumstances—will be released. But Alana’s desperation to clear her name and return to her well-deserved spotlight soon bleeds into a budding fixation on Charlie, whose career begins inexplicably rising every inch that hers has fallen. When Charlie manages to steal Alana’s dream brand deal and all the success that comes with it, Alana is cemented in her downward spiral, realizing that justice is nothing compared to revenge.

[Bio and thanks]

Back again with a second attempt. I’m a little concerned this is still too long and plot heavy, but would love to get your thoughts. Thanks all!

I’m seeking representation for IN A BETTER PLACE NOW, a 99k-word contemporary romance with women’s fiction crossover potential. A love letter to the Pacific Northwest, this story combines the atmospheric, coastal setting of Carley Fortune’s Our Perfect Storm with the emotionally complex characters in Rainbow Rowell’s Slow Dance and the weight and levity in Ava Robinson’s Definitely Better Now. Based on your interest in stories featuring xxx, I thought you might enjoy this.

Shiloh Morris wants what every scorned woman wants. That is, her husband’s demise. Ever since Reid inexplicably walked out on her five years ago, Shiloh’s been driving cross-country in a camper van and blogging about America’s most charming small towns. When news comes of Reid’s untimely death, she doesn’t hear choirs singing nor bells ringing. She doesn’t feel better. Instead, she’s plagued with an inconvenient bout of grief that sends her blog and bank account in a downward spiral. Her consolation prize comes by way of Reid’s childhood home on a Puget Sound island.

Shiloh wants to see the house, just once, before selling it and moving on for good. Unfortunately, upon arrival she learns the house is occupied by a surly, fourth-generation shellfish farmer—Reid’s cousin, Sam—and comes with a revolving door of family members she never knew existed. The family has no intention of parting with their ancestral home, and Shiloh has no interest in selling to the so-called family that was nowhere to be found when her marriage was in crisis. In a last-ditch effort to gain closure, Shiloh strikes a deal: She’ll sell the house to the family on the condition they offer her a temporary job and an opportunity to figure out who the hell she married.

Shiloh immerses herself in the world of shellfish farming alongside a begrudging Sam, who’s doing his best to keep the family business on course during his first year at the helm. While at first it’s shucking knives out, the pair must work together to revive the company’s online presence while unspooling Reid’s string of lies. If Shiloh wants answers before her contract ends, she’ll need to confront the painful loss that ruined her marriage and decide if a second chance at love is better than a life mapped out on her own.

[bio]

First time posting, long-time lurker. Scared to death but trying to be brave. I am looking for a second comp if something sticks out to you! I appreciate your time and feedback.

UNKNOWN TITLE is a stand-alone, dual-pov contemporary romance with series potential, finishing at 80k. Perfect for readers who enjoyed the humorous, sarcastic banter of FIRST TIME CALLER by B.K. Borison and (still deciding on second comp).

Serah Hartley thought she had it all for a woman in her thirties; a supportive boyfriend, an active friend group, and a vision for what she wanted her future to look like. That was right up until she was dumped over crappy coffee on Christmas morning. Now she's left behind with a ridiculously expensive Queens’ apartment she can’t afford, and a friend group that took her ex's side. Not to mention, she’s slugging through her final semester of physical therapy school with one clinical standing in her way to graduation.

Unfortunately, there is one very tall, very grouchy obstacle to her dream job. Meet Elijah Reyes, her burnt-out, clinical instructor with a personal vendetta against smiling and all things happy. He also seems hell-bent on making her even more miserable than she already is. It’s not until a night out that she discovers a reason for his foul mood; his roommate just left and he needs a replacement. ASAP.

Armed with a list of rules written on a napkin, Serah moves in, determined to finish her final semester of college and rebuild her life. But the rules feel less and less set in stone the more the two of them spend together; both at home and at the clinic. With time ticking towards graduation, she’s desperate to prove to herself and to everyone around her that she can do this—with or without help.

[Short Bio]

Pen Name

Back again for #4! Previous attempts here and here for ease of access.

Some things from last post that I tried to fix include clarifying the first paragraph, hopefully fixing tonal discrepancy with the secondary world, and removed the Moana comp because while I was trying to comp specifically the setting but it called to mind different expectations. Also took it upon myself to highlight the weirdness of the second world since it's supposed to feel weird.

This process is brutal but necessary and I can only hope that this letter is improving no matter how incrementally. Thanks to everyone who gives feedback.

----

Dear [Agent],

[Personalization]

I am seeking representation for THE MAGICAL LAND OF SOMEWHERE ELSE (115,000 words), a standalone adult fantasy that combines the surreal portrayal of grief in Samantha Sotto Yambao’s The Elsewhere Express and the unflinchingly recalcitrant protagonist of M.L. Wang’s Blood Over Bright Haven.

Thelda is renowned for her artistic prowess while her husband Serin interprets obscure prophecies he summons from his beach of mystical pink sand. Both orphans, they dream of giving their prophesied child the loving life they never had. But their joy sours when Thelda falls deathly ill, and the thin-haired, blanket-wrapped figure in the sand portends, instead, a far more devastating future.

Desperate to change fate and save her life, they seek out Natau, a healer whose golden sand cures any ailment. But with each grain set at an exorbitant price, Serin and Thelda incur a steep debt for a mere pinch of sand. Except it is not enough, and the sickness claims her first.

Distraught and impoverished, Serin prepares to join Thelda in death. That is, until the mysterious Mr. Blip arrives from Somewhere Else, an uncanny realm in which grief itself can be given away. Among statues carved from forgiveness and fuzzy creatures cataloging answers to the universe lie the Things, omniscient entities who offer Serin the gold to pay off Natau in eventual exchange for his grief, an act that would erase not only his sorrow, but his memory of Thelda completely.

Only after accepting Mr. Blip’s guidance in moving on does he discover that Natau’s sand is fake. Before crushing debt puts him out of his home, Serin must expose Natau as a fraud. Or, he can trade grief for gold, wiping his memories of Thelda clean—even if the Things may not be as benevolent as they seem.

[Bio]

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[Name]

I am seeking representation for HEARD SCREAMING, an 89,000-word supernatural horror
novel that blends elements of thriller and mystery. If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like
if Gillian Flynn wrote Stephen King’s Carrie, then you’re in luck. This story would appeal to
fans of the small town, claustrophobic dread of Ronald Malfi’s Small Town Horror, and the
unapologetic genre blending of Girl In The Creek by Wendy N. Wagner.

Mickey Peters heard her mother die long before it actually happened.

When two children mysteriously vanish from their homes in the town of Kelly Creek, Virginia,
something awakens inside of Mickey. Memories she locked away, abilities she thought she’d
ridden herself of, all come unpacked from a sacred part of her mind she can no longer trust to
keep them contained. The missing children are the same age as Mickey’s daughter, Vera, who she
gave away at birth to be raised by Holly, Mickey’s younger sister. Mickey is plagued with a
single thought: What if Vera went missing?

As Mickey is haunted by her dead mother, along with once-repressed childhood memories, more
children go missing, and Mickey’s abilities just might help her find out who’s responsible. But
when missing children escalates to murdered adults, it becomes clear Mickey began
remembering her past for a reason. Whatever’s happening is connected to The Trial—the
experiments she underwent as a fetus inside her mother’s womb.

After Holly inexplicably drops Vera off with Mickey and leaves town, she must overcome her
fear of motherhood in order to protect the child she abandoned. Mickey begins hearing a voice in
her mind—one she must obey—and it becomes apparent that the thing responsible for the
vanishing children has set its sights on Vera. As the body count rises and the town of Kelly Creek
descends into panic, Mickey plunges into a past she thought she’d left behind. If she can keep
her daughter safe and stop whatever malevolent force is plaguing her hometown, maybe Mickey
can forgive herself for the mistakes that still haunt her.
Maybe.

[bio]

My query is complete at 386 words (this includes bio section). I feel like it might be too long, I’m looking for not only general criticism for my query, but also input on whether I should trim some of the word count. Thanks in advance to everyone, long time lurker on this sub, first time poster.

As described in my previous post, I am starting over with a new querying approach after my last one failed to get any bites. So while technically my 12th attempt, this is also my 2nd attempt at the new approach. My new approach focuses more on the literary/upmarket features of the story.

Also, I noticed a suggestion in Rocketscience444's post from yesterday that "1-2 sentence pitches are becoming MUCH more standard in successful queries," so I put an editorializing one sentence pitch in the first paragraph for this one, but I'm not dead set on this idea, so I'm fine with losing it if it doesn't work.

As always, thanks in advance for the wonderful feedback. I carefully read and take seriously all feedback, and I appreciate those of you who have provided comments on multiple versions of this effort, even though I'm sure I'm driving you crazy by now 🙂

___________
Dear [Agent],

NIGHTHAWKS is a multi-POV upmarket science fiction novel, complete at 71,000 words. It combines the contemplative psycho-social urban politics of Tochi Onyebuchi’s Goliath with the fast-paced, cyberpunk tech-noir of Aubrey Wood’s Bang Bang Bodhisattva. NIGHTHAWKS is about struggling to do the right thing in a city where the technology is intimately invasive, the politics violently divisive, and a local diner is worth fighting for, even if the fight might already be lost.

Keisha has failed at everything: following her parents’ deaths, she failed to protect her sister from an abusive caretaker droid; as an adult she failed as an activist against job loss to droids; and now, finally, she’s failed her marriage. All she wants is the peace and quiet to figure out her next steps. With nowhere left to go, she returns to Nighthawks, the diner where her parents worked in the poor neighborhood she grew up in. But she finds her childhood home devastated by recent local anti-droid riots over job loss. The corrupt city government is rushing to condemn and turn the neighborhood over to a droid manufacturing corporation looking for cheap land to build a factory on. Tired of politics, Keisha struggles to ignore the neighborhood’s troubles, despite her outrage over its fate.

The only person holding the despairing neighborhood together against condemnation is Leah, her childhood friend and Nighthawk’s newest owner. Leah is quickly losing hope, but offers Keisha employment and shelter. Keisha is grateful at first until she discovers Leah also employs a droid named Sean, whom Leah sees as a son. Keisha’s angry instinct is to deploy malware on Sean, though she holds back out of respect for Leah. However, when a murderous anti-droid activist kidnaps Sean while Leah is stuck in court, Keisha stands by and lets it happen. But Sean’s death would break Leah, leading to the implosion of Nighthawks and the neighborhood. And Keisha is tired of her failures. Hoping to accomplish one good thing in her life and repay Leah’s kindness, Keisha sets out to find Sean before it’s too late.

[Author's bio]

Edit: I used a word wrong and would rather substitute it at this time than cause confusion

Helloooo everyone! I've taken a hefty break from stressing over my query but now I'm back at it haha. While both the query and first 300-ish words fit the word limits, they're still quite long in a way that makes me nervous. Any suggestions to cut or reduce are much appreciated!

I've also decided to pull the plug on the plot twist I'd planned for Book 2 and move it up into Book 1 which changes the query slightly. But now I worry the twist comes out of nowhere, so please let me know if that's the case.

I'd love feedback on the first 300 words as well. I've struggled for months finding the perfect opening, and it still hasn't 'clicked' for me yet, but I at least feel cozy with what I've got :)

Thank you <3

Dear AGENT,

I’m seeking representation for THE BANISHED PRINCESS, an adult fantasy set in an LGBTQ+ world with series potential, running at 117,000 words. Our tale details the tribulations of a magic-wielding princess accused of murdering her mother, the queen, forced to take refuge within the country she’d abandoned. [TWO COMPS HERE :)]

Princess Charlotte had always dreamed of becoming a hero, like her lost father and like the knights in her ancient book of fairy tales, but her mother’s murder is not how she’d envisioned it starting. When the crime is pinned on her, she must give up the contentment of castle life and rush into exile. The true killer, and Charlotte’s brother, takes the throne and puts a bounty on her head, turning her citizens against her.

Charlotte’s shock quickly turns to disgust as she sees the dying lands of her country, the resources having been sapped by the monarchy since her father’s mysterious disappearance. Armed only with her rusty weapons training, diplomat lessons, and a borderline-delusional confidence, Charlotte decides to start a revolution to clear her name and bring her country back to its glory. The stress of her exile awakens otherworldly abilities, starting the chapter of her own fairy tale. But even magic can’t sway her hopeless citizens, and Charlotte’s pretty bad at this whole ‘chosen one’ thing.

Isolated from any allies in the castle, Charlotte hires Jack as her bodyguard, a wisecracking but realistic bounty hunter who’s caged with secrets. Jack trains her on fighting, taking her from a nobody to a local hero, but he’s clearly the better leader—much to his reluctance. The people begin to look to him instead of the princess, igniting a welcomed rivalry as Charlotte strives to become the hero her people deserve, and to unravel the lies that Jack keeps so bottled up.

It’s only a matter of time before the Royal Knights find her. Innocents are being ruthlessly attacked across the land, including a band of rebels who are Charlotte’s best chance at an army. And so it’s up to her, her only friend Jack, and her emerging magic to unite the outcasts and stop the oncoming ambush before the king’s forces kill them first. But Jack’s most damning secret - that he’s the father who Charlotte’s searched for her entire life - may tear them apart before the revolution ever gets its start.

First 300:

It was a charming night for an awakening.

Father’s spectre clung heavy to the humid winds, and Princess Charlotte of Gaylecroft was desperate to sense him. As she’d done for years now, Charlotte had gathered her friends for a midnight celebration in the overlook gardens, lighting candles at the base of his statue and drinking in his honor. It started as a small way to protest the Ordinance of Silence, and it was the only protest against Mother that Charlotte was brave enough to try, but the futility of it grew each year. Father had disappeared when she was a baby, only living in the fables passed around of his revolution.

As the half-moon reflected the witching hour, the only other person still awake, Monty, joined Charlotte at the railing of the overlook, both filled with summer wines. Father’s ghost was fading from the sticky air, and the princess turned her attention to the other man she held dear.

“Giddy for your thoughts,” Monty murmured, his face a sharp cutout in the moonlight.

“Maybe this one’s special in a way I can’t place,” Charlotte replied. Her drunken heart began thumping harshly. Monty watched her dreamily. She had been sickeningly aware that tonight would be the perfect moment for her first kiss. But now, as both parties swooned in sleepiness, Charlotte was filled with sudden urgency.

Leaning in slowly, as she’d seen the ladies of the Court do, Monty moved to reciprocate. Charlotte panicked. Clenching her hands, she jolted away, and the candles at Father’s feet exploded into shooting flames before quickly vanishing altogether. Charlotte was left staring at the smoldering, waxy scene, feeling heat inside her veins, as if the moon’s own light was pumping through her wrist.

Monty was laughing boyishly. “What in Purg was that?”

There’s no such thing as magic. You’re just drunk.

“I’ve no idea,” Charlotte mumbled, the fire inside snuffed out.

Hello again. I thank everyone for the feedback I got on my last attempt, and I hope I incorporated the critiques given. Please don't spare any comments; I can take all criticism, harsh or otherwise

--

Elyas has a dark secret: the sky talks to him. As a member of an ancient order of priests, the singers, Elyas has submitted himself to their rituals only to come out wrong. The sky whispers in his mind, both guiding and corrupting him with its cruel remarks. All Elyas wants is to lay low and lead a quiet life, yet the sky has other plans for him.

A pariah among singers, Elyas wastes his life away granting minor fortunes for the public. One such day, when a foreign envoy visits the city, he finds himself attracted to one of their soldiers. Elyas initially fights his curiosity, but the sky's persuasion gives him the courage to abandon his post and follow. After sneaking into the meeting on a whim, he falls right into the sky's trap.

Elyas is tricked by the sky into delivering a prophecy for the envoy. He foretells an invasion that might destroy the world, and the only way to stop it is through the cooperation of two nations. But it'll take more than the word of a singer to make a former colony work with its old oppressor, and his blossoming romance with Vaclav, the foreign soldier, risks both their reputations. If Elyas hopes to unite them against the invading forces he must maneuver through international politics, reconsider his faith, and outrun a colonial past his country can't seem to shake off.

HYMN OF DUSKFALL (118k words) is an adult fantasy novel with LGBTQIA+ romantic elements and a swashbuckling adventure taking cues from The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi (S.A. Chakraborty). It follows a protagonist struggling to navigate the poisonous world of nobles, appealing to fans of The Priory of the Orange Tree (Samantha Shannon) and its haunting setting full of ancient secrets. With a world inspired by the Roman empire in the style of The Will of the Many (James Islington), HYMN OF DUSKFALL delivers action, political intrigue, and an #OwnVoices queer romance.

--

Thank you for your time :)

Alright, the fourth attempt here, and I definitely think I'm moving in the right direction, based off notes I incorporated from the third posting. I think it's gotten a little snappier and easier to read, especially from when I first started, but always looking for improvement.

Thanks in advance! Query is below.

Genre: Adult/Commercial Thriller

Word count: 68,000

Dear (AGENT NAME),

Marine Raider Joshua Bradley wants two things in life: to knock down doors while protecting the US and to provide for his dementia-afflicted mother Donna. When Bradley is wounded on an operation, two casualty assistance calls officers arrive at Donna’s house to break the news. Unfortunately for Donna, neither of these men are Marines; rather they’re scammers whose bread and butter are stolen valor death notifications, thanks to the assistance of their corrupt government contact.

When Bradley returns home and finds his mother’s life savings have been wiped out, he turns to drinking copious amounts of alcohol, becoming discontented with how slow the police and banks move, and he travels across Greater Los Angeles to find these scammers and collect his mother’s money. As Bradley goes alone, he finds that not only must he contend with these two thugs, he also must deal with their employer, a drug kingpin hellbent on keeping the money owed him by the scammers.

With his senses hampered by his descent into whiskey when he prepped his weapons, Bradley must steal, socially hack, and even torture his way through the scamming network to bring all involved to justice. When his lone wolf assault on the cartel goes sideways, he gives chase, only to find he will need to stop them before they return to his mother’s home and kill her in her own bed that very night.

THE KNOCK is a 68,000-word standalone commercial thriller with series potential. It combines the family-driven stakes and stateside veteran action of T. R. Hendricks’ The Instructor with the Los Angeles criminal underworld of Jon Lindstrom’s Hollywood Hustle, exploring the competing demands of duty to country, family, and oneself.

(Bio and sign off)

Hello everyone! Would love to hear any comments about my query as I prepare to go on submission, specifically about what's not working.

Dear [Insert Agent],

No one knows how the war started, least of all seventeen-year-old Graycin. He has far bigger concerns, such as avoiding the city bailiff and fleecing gold from every merchant he can. After all, if he steals enough, he might be able to get his sisters out of the slums that took their parents. Unfortunately, his talent and arrogance place a target on his back, and when a job at the King’s Citadel goes wrong, he’s cornered into an impossible choice: offer his services to the king, or his neck to the hangman. 

Much to his surprise, Graycin’s first mission is a success, earning him unexpected loyalty from his unit. When the king offers him an official position as his spy, he accepts. Meanwhile, the enemy general becomes obsessed with finding the spy who is not only exposing his secrets, but leaving taunting notes on his nightstand. Their game of cat-and-mouse becomes deadly when Graycin is trapped behind enemy lines, and his identity is betrayed by one of his closest friends. 

After a narrow escape, Graycin discovers that Saldyr is using the peace negotiations as a ploy to assassinate Graycin’s king. Worse yet – the general has kidnapped his sister. Driven by vengeance and desperation, Graycin defies orders and plunges back into enemy territory, determined to free his sister. Instead, he uncovers a kingdom-wide conspiracy – one that will force Graycin to decide whether he will continue to run, or risk everything to save the king and friends he’s come to love.  

CAUGHT, a 115,000 word YA fantasy, will appeal to readers who enjoyed the wartime stakes and suspense of HEIR by Sabaa Tahir, and the fast pace and twists of THE PRISON HEALER by Lynette Noni.

[Bio]