I am a HS teacher and recently added a coworker to my friendgroup. My long term partner with whom I share a child and house, expressed interest in dating this coworker who is also poly. I have expressed that I feel uncomfortable with it for multiple reasons, the main one being I feel it increased my chances of being outed at work. I work in a right to work state and an area that is not friendly to members of the lqbtq+ community much less people who maintain nontraditional relationship structures.

Additionally, I worry about having to work next door to someone who is dating my partner. We are in the same department and teach the same subject so if things get awkward, theres literally no avoiding eachother.

My partner's argument is that yes there will be extra stress but that there are ways to work through it and that Im being childish and not willing to work through my feelings of uncomfortability.

My argument is mainly that they have not really even listened to why the relationship would be uncomfortable me and I feel like they are downplaying the risks. And my job is already insanely stressful as is without having to navigate this situation.

I havent even said no outright because we agreed to not veto potential partners but I have said Im not going to be enthusiastic about it. But its beginning to evolve into a line in the sand issue where I feel like were just at a standstill and Im trying to some clarity on if Im overreacting.

Hi everyone! I wanted to tell this story and maybe get some advice? This happened Sunday. I was with my partner bunny for the whole weekend at their place and usually leave at 6pm sunday. We had a fun trip to the Netherlands and had bought some edibles/weed there.

On Sunday I took an edible, the same one bunny took the day before. Bunny is pretty used to weed and was fine after 2 hours of us walking around. I thought I was going to be fine if I took the edible by 1pm and leave at my usual hour of 6pm.

Obviously I was not fine and had to stay longer, I didn't feel like it was safe to drive. Bunny had plans to meet with another partner after me. Their partner A decided to still come and we hung out with the 3 of us. It was my first time meeting A (there was a planned moresome at one point but that fizzled). No one made me feel bad but it was clear that I was overstaying my welcome. I Obviously apologised to both of them for disturbing their plans and tried to give them as much space as I could.

I don't know if I did enough with just apologising. I'll definitely talk with bunny about it but I wanna give them some space cause they made it clear that they were a bit done with being around me (which is totally fine!).

Here’s my question… if you have 2+ partners, approximately how far out does your calendar go?

Context: My (54m) NP (55f) of 16+ years (poly 2 years) and I both have one other serious partner. The 4 of us get along great.
We all have other lives (hobbies, fwb, work) so of course we schedule our times far in advance.

My meta (an engineer) has offered up a schedule for him and my NP that goes until December 2027. He actually thought it through to accommodate known trips/holidays/etc And that’s fine, really. I truly have no problem with future planning. It’s all fine. Note , this entire schedule would be set in erasable ink. One off events/activities are always fair for rescheduling specific dates. The whole ‘cule is cool with such changes when they happen.

This year I decided to have a new relationship after not having one for quite some time, and it turned out that the person I started dating is polyamorous, I've never really minded sharing a partner with someone else as long as there's mutual respect, but this past month my partner has set new rules, or rather commandments, for our relationship.

I don't know if this counts as a polyamorous relationship or more like an open relationship, but my partner has had several sexual encounters with people close to him or even strangers, without telling me or his other boyfriend And we always find out because someone else tells us. We've talked to him about it because it makes us a little insecure and it makes us feel bad that he does those things without even telling us. He's also been acting stranger, or rather possessive, towards me and his other partner.

This week is my birthday and I was planning to go out with some close friends, and I obviously invited him and his other partner But he won't be able to go because he'll be out of town for a personal matter, but the strange thing is that he basically threatened me Telling me not to dare have or try anything with anyone at my party, because I am only HIS.

Although I wouldn't try anything at my party, I am one of those people who gets affectionate when I drink a lot (like looking for hugs and having my hair stroked) He also told me that I should only have sex with him or seek affection from him. Even before this, I noticed how insecure he gets when I talk to friends or to MY OWN FAMILY. I've spoken to her other boyfriend and he says that this jealousy is normal for him and that I'll get used to it.

I don't know if I'm wrong or if these things happen normally; like I said, I'm new to this, I've only been doing this for a year, do you guys have some advice for me, please be kind I'm quite sensitive 😔

(Edit1):

Thank you all for your recommendations and opinions; they really mean a lot to me, and I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Although it hurts, I plan to end things with him; It's only been difficult for me because he's the only partner I've had in a while, and I tend to be quite insecure about how I look physically (like, I'm not the best looking person) And the fact that he wanted to have something with me has given me a false sense of security and that he really loves me.

I'll do things safely for both myself and his other partner, as I'm genuinely afraid that if I leave my partner, there will be retaliation against his other boyfriend. But if something happens, I know which numbers to call. I'm still interested in polyamory and how to do things right. I know it will take time to heal, but I would like to give this type of relationship a shot, I find it very beautiful how people can trust each other and be happy, fills me with joy and I hope I can feel that kind of love too..

I joined this sub to read stories from other poly people but almost every post seems to be "marriage is over", "partner of 10 years leaving", "we broke up", etc. As much as I feel for you (your posts are valid and it's totally ok to post!) I feel like this sub is putting me in a scared anxious mood. Similarly to reading too much news about wars, domestic terrorism and sickness.

My partner, meta, and I are doing ok-ish. It could be better, like partner and I have a different libido and meta is struggling with his autADHD and burnout, but we're there for each other.

This subreddit sometimes makes me feel that a breakup will be inevitable...

Hey so I'm K. Ive been with J for three years. He's been with O for almost as long.

When the year changes they have been planning on moving in together. I was informed rather than asked whether I was interested in living with J. I do know the move makes sense for both of them so mixed feelings about it.

We're gonna have a sit down about it all together on Wednesday, I'd love to hear if there's any recommendations on topics and things we should go through together.

Thank you all for your input!

I (37m) have been poly for the better part of a decade. My romantic partnerships have been largely beneficial. I'm married to my nesting partner of 9 years. I've had short term and long term partners that have ended for the various reasons that they end. While the periods after those breakups were hard, I don't know that I could ever say my heart was broken until today.

I met Jen (45F) this summer at a time that I wasn't really even looking for a partner. I saw that she liked me on feeld and left it for a week or so before accepting and beginning our conversation. She wasn't local to my area, but claimed she made it up here regularly to visit another partner. Long distance (3.5 hours) genuinely didn't interest me but we talked slowly over the course of a week or two before setting a date on her next trip up to my area.

The date was amazing. I felt settled in my body in a way that I had not ever felt, even with my wife on our first date. The chemistry was visible to both of us. The deepest conversations were effortless. At the end of the evening we said goodbye without plans on when we would see each other next.

Within a few weeks I was driving down to her home in the middle of a rains storm that lasted nearly the entire journey. From the moment I walked in the door it was clear that this was something different. It was deep. It was vast. It was love. We didn't leave the bedroom for more than an hour or two at a time. By the end of the weekend we had both said I love you.

Over the next few months there were several more trips to see her. Daily phone/video calls. Hours upon hours. She showed me how polyamory could look. It was easy. It made me a better partner and I got to bring that back to my wife, friends, and family.

Today, she told me she wanted to be exclusive with another partner she started seeing around the same time as me. I am grateful for the few months we had together, but I don't know how to heal from this.

*There's a lot more to this story. I left off content for the sake of getting this off my chest in a quick manner.

I know this is probably just going to be a seemingly pointless post ranting about this, but man has it happened so many times for me. I connect with someone on a dating app or elsewhere and we talk a bit, start getting along, and then somewhere they get reminded that I'm married and poly. Then I get the dreaded response of "I just don't feel like you'll be able to give me enough time". The frustrating part is not getting the response it's how much I advertise that part of my situation in my bio and in my first message. Like none of it is a secret. I also would understand if I was stupidly just connecting with mono accounts, but they're either people with open statuses or don't put mono. It could just be a coincidental thing or people not knowing what they want. It's just annoying how often it happens at times and that my wife has never had an issue with it.

TLDR ; Title pretty much sums it up. My fiance (30F) and I(30F) have been together for 10 years. Recently got engaged earlier this year. We have been poly for about 6 years.

She dated a female couple for almost 4 years that I got along with, went to dinners at their house and then were kind enough to include me in some big events like their wedding. I liked them as people and generally they were good to my partner.

The relationship didnt end up working out, but they still talk now and then as friends.

Jump to now, 6 years into being poly. I can see the twinkle in her eye when she talks about being poly and having a relationship outside of me. I want more than anything to make her happy. Which was part of the reason I said yes to being poly. I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone and see her recieve the happiness she was searching for. But I have never had a poly relationship myself. I havent dated anyone in the 6 years that my fiance and I have been poly. I do find it difficult to keep up on relationships. I feel very dedicated to my fiance both financially and emotionally. I am also a bisexual female with short hair and androgynous features. It is extremely rare that men are attracted to me outside of like apps to meet up with people. And I find myself holding back pursuing women for a few reasons. 1.This economy is no joke. My fiance had her hours cut to parttime a few months ago and I've been doing the best I can. And I guess because I wear masculine clothing its assumed ill pick up the tab? (I say this because we dated a female together and that girl would look at me when the tab came like "you got it right boo" like I was an atm....

2.Part of me deep down somewhere still feels like its wrong to be seeing someone else.

From the past relationship she had, I was comfortable with the "Kitchen Table" polyamory. I felt connected to her but also the people she cared about. But now it seems as though she wants to see people completely outside of me and those people don't have to talk to me if they dont want to. That doesnt make me comfortable, and doesn't make me feel safe. I know I have deep rooted jealousy issues that could probably be classified as OCD at this point. I have had a habit of trying to pry every detail out of her to understand the interactions she has with people that are interested in her.

I have only known monogamis relationships my entire life. And watched my mother deal with my father's infidelity in my late teens. Though they mended the relationship and are together today, I feel like I witnessed this struggle between my parents at a key time I was figuring myself out emotionally.

Theres definitely a lot more details in between but I have a headache from trying to figure out how to save my soon-to-be marriage. It genuinely feels like if she's not poly that she won't be happy. So I feel as though I will never be allowed to close our relationship off if I'm feeling like this isnt for me.

Ive tried to have conversations about my changing feelings and boundaries but its viewed as steps backwards in our relationship. Shes currently upset and hasn't spoken to me in hours. I have a big personal rule that I dont like to go to bed with issues between us, so I always try to talk it out. We've been texting while she was at work all day. She wont even look at me. I feel defeated, worthless and pouring this all on the internet because I have 0 people in my life that I can talk to about this.

First time poster here, but I've been lurking for a while and have a genuine question: I've been in a poly relationship for six years now, and despite the ups and downs, we're overall very happy—so I’m curious, are most of you happy in your poly relationships?

I had a fallout with my meta and now my partner and I have gone parallel. It’s been difficult getting back into the swing of things.

I’m not giving details cause I’m not trying to air out personal drama…
But it’s hard not to fear that it’s only a matter of time. Since they are nesting partners.

Would be nice to know if there’s anyone who’s been able to make it work and how?

I (currently without other partners) met a partnered man about four months ago. This is my first experience with ENM/polyamory. I didn't actively seek out this relationship structure; I met someone I connected with and was open to exploring it.

It's also his first time exploring ENM/ polyamory (we're not quite sure which term best describes our situation) with his current partner, although he tried it in a previous long-term relationship, which he describes as messy. So we're both navigating something new, albeit from different positions.

Our connection has been beautiful and has opened up a lot for me. We started seeing each other once or twice a week, including overnights, and developed a meaningful emotional connection. Two weeks ago, we acknowledged that what we share is a form of love. Not long ago, we were even discussing how to make seeing each other twice a week work — whether for an overnight/ shared evening with an additional an evening walk, dinner, or trip to the cinema scattered under the week.

He has a long-term partner of around ten years to whom he is married, a young child, an established career and a home. His partner struggled with the pace and emotional intensity of our relationship. Recently, he started connecting with and dating someone new while I was away for several weeks during which time I felt some distance between us. His new connection brought up a lot of jealousy and hurt for me. Before our respective holidays, we were both anxious about the direction and flow of our relationship, knowing we wouldn't see each other for about a month.

Looking back, I think we were caught up in NRE and in the anxiety of being apart for such an extended period for the first time, after so many beautiful moments together, one after another. In the midst of all that, we didn't have some of the important conversations we needed to have about where we stood, what the near future might look like, and how we would navigate dating other people.

There's also an asymmetry in where we were in this process. While he was already actively experiencing ENM and exploring a new connection through me, I was still very focused on him and on the connection we were building. I was enjoying what we had and only gradually becoming comfortable with the constellation itself — including the reality of his marriage and nesting partnership, and the awareness that our relationship had been difficult for his wife to process. I was still finding my footing in all of this, while he was already navigating the next layer of it.

After weeks of rupture and hurt on my side, and overwhelm on his, he now wants to reduce our time together to around once a month. This feels particularly abrupt given that we were recently discussing how to make twice-weekly dates possible.

What makes this especially difficult is that we live in the same relatively small city, about a 20-minute bike ride apart. His new connection lives in another town, a train ride away, yet they seem to be finding it easier to share fun activities like hiking and going to the sauna — things I'd love to do with him, too. Meanwhile, even going to the cinema together has been difficult to arrange. I know that comparing connections isn't necessarily helpful, and there may be circumstances I don't fully understand, but the contrast is hard not to feel.

I want to be open to him dating other people, and I want to learn how to navigate non-monogamy at my own pace. I want to grow, learn, flourish and experience the abundance ENM can offer. But I feel caught between that desire and the feeling that the practicalities of our constellation are increasingly getting in the way of our connection.

Lately, things have felt so bureaucratic: dealing with overwhelm and conflict, navigating the existing relationship, and processing difficult feelings. Sometimes it feels as though the constellation is overshadowing, or even overwhelming, the connection itself — even though we're so drawn to each other and, in our better moments, bring out good things in one another.

Something else that's difficult to reconcile is that, at the beginning, he told me that despite his busy life, our time together felt like quality time that replenished him. Now our connection seems to have become part of his overwhelm. I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow part of the learning curve of him and his existing partner figuring out ENM, and that I'm bearing some of the emotional cost of that process. I don't know if that's a fair interpretation, but it's hard not to wonder.

I'm also currently unemployed and struggling with both the financial and psychological aspects of my situation. This isn't an easy chapter of my life, and I know the uncertainty may be difficult not only for me but also for people around me who care about me and see me in this position. It limits what I can do and how much agency I feel I have, and it sometimes leaves me feeling that I'm not on equal footing — with him, or perhaps even within this relationship. This isn't my finest chapter, and I think that makes the uncertainty of our connection harder to navigate. I know I need to focus on rebuilding my own life, but I'm finding it difficult to know where to put my emotional energy right now.

Our most recent exchange was very tender. We expressed love, gratitude and sadness, and agreed to give each other time and space while staying in touch and seeing where things lead. I don't think either of us wants to hurt the other. There's no clear ending, but the relationship as I knew it may be changing significantly.

I genuinely don't want to lose him. Part of me can imagine a lighter, less intense relationship being beautiful and more sustainable. Another part fears that accepting less will keep hurting me, especially if I'm doing so mainly because losing him feels unbearable.

I'm trying to figure out how to hold all of this without either giving up on something meaningful prematurely or losing myself trying to preserve it.

I'd especially appreciate perspectives from people who've navigated similar situations:

● Jealousy vs. unmet needs:

How do you distinguish between jealousy you can work through and pain that signals unmet needs?

● De-escalation:

How do you know if you're genuinely choosing a lighter relationship or accepting less out of fear of losing someone? Can a loving connection survive a significant reduction in time and intimacy?

● Being part of someone's learning curve: How do you navigate being someone's early poly experience without bearing the emotional cost of them figuring it out?

● Giving space without putting your life on hold: How do you let a relationship evolve without remaining indefinitely in uncertainty?

● Dating others vs. focusing on yourself: When you're new to ENM and going through a difficult period, how do you decide whether to explore other connections or focus on yourself first?

I'm grateful for what we've shared, and I don't want to give up on something meaningful just because it's difficult. I want to remain open to what ENM might offer me, rather than simply adapting to his existing life and other connections. At the same time, I want to find out what works for me, what I need, and what kind of relationship I can genuinely flourish in.

I'm trying to navigate this with compassion for both of us, while learning not to lose sight of myself in the process.

I am in a committed partnership with a wonderful man. I've previously had other partners during this partnership, but am down to one.

We were doing something between garden party and kitchen table poly with my meta. And very suddenly and shockingly, the meta broke up with him in a really hurtful way. My partner and my meta have not had contact since.

I'm feeling a lot of things - primarily anger and hurt for my partner. But I also feel completely discarded by my meta, with whom I had a friendship. They have not reached out to me in the meantime.

I'm on the fence about reaching out to them and what I would say if I do. I don't have any interest in continuing the friendship right now because of all the hurt, but I do want to be like - hey I'm a person with whom you also had a relationship via meta-ship AND friendship, and I exist. Can you say SOMETHING to me?

Any advice?

Hello again. Still processing my failed marriage and still dealing with the fallout. Its been a month since I filed for divorce and its getting easier but I still I miss the good aspects of my former life, especially being a parent. Ok, to my thought.

In a marriage or even just a relationship, we do our best to not hurt our partners, thats a pretty basic aspect of all relationships. In my marriage, we married with a commitment to monogamy. The whole story is on a previous post so wont go into all of it here but mono was the foundation to our marriage and it made me feel safe enough to get married. Anyways, here is what I dont understand. For all of those here that are married or in longterm relationships where you live together, raise kids together, live life full intertwined, if you wanted polyam and your spouse agreed to try it, what would your reaction be to your spouse/partner if they told you polyam was hurting them more and more every day. They agreed to try it, it wasnt for them and now they want monogamy but you are in a loving relationship with a good person outside the marriage, whats the "right" answer? Is it wrong to hold her to our original commitment or wrong to ask her to leave the relationship outside the marriage? Whats more important, what you want or the commitment you made to your forever person?

Her being in a loving, sexual and romantic relationship with someone hurt more than I can describe. The way my feelings didnt matter made me feel like the problem was me.It felt like watching her cheat on me on a daily basis and she knew I felt this way. I tried with everything I had because I didnt want to lose my family but she forced my hand to literally save my life. I will never understand or forgive how she decided that destroying me emotionally, destroying our marriage, throwing away the relationship her kids had with me (which was unarguably amazing), all the work and support I did for her and the kids and my undying, unwavering love, devotion and commitment was less important than someone who will be out of her life in a year tops was a good decision and one that she can live with.

Im codependent but im not crazy. If she wanted a divorce, I could have understood that and would have dealt with it. If all of this was because she didnt know how to leave me, that would be very very very sad.

Thanks for letting me express myself again and thank you all for your advice, thoughts, feelings and perspectives. You all have validated me in so many ways. Take care 🫂

I had an extremely traumatic experience with a previous meta, in my last and frankly only long term poly relationship. Our hinge did not handle things well, and I can give details but hinge is an ex to both of us now because of all of the trauma and how badly our hinge managed things. Hinge and previous meta are no longer in contact with me either. This post isn’t about them, just adding context for my anxiety.

I had dated someone a few years ago (we can call them N) and they lived about 1 hour away from me when we dated. I’ve since moved and they’re about 5 hours away from me now. We reconnected a few months ago and they’ve asked if we could label things as comet partners, which I love. I adore them. I really missed them. We had broken up because of some timing things (them wanting more, my work schedule, their work schedule, etc), nothing to do with our compatibility.

Since then, N has a new anchor partner who also is a middle distance relationship for them (about 3 hours in another direction), but N is their anchor partner (and my meta is our hinge’s anchor partner). Meta (J) has been dating N for about a year and a half.

N expressed to me that J is very anxious about the fact that N and I have labeled our relationship. They have made it clear to me that they (N) are considerate of J’s feelings but ultimately our relationship is not dictated by J’s feelings and N has reassured me they are actively choosing me.

I am so scarred from my previous meta that I am terrified to go visit N now. N is so different from my ex in every way possible and I trust them and know that this is healthy on my end with N… I just can’t shake the feeling that something is going to go wrong or that I’m going to get hurt.

I talked to my therapist and she suggested that we do some EMDR actually, which I plan to engage in soon, but I was wondering what tips/advice anyone has (if any) to help re-ground myself and remind myself that this relationship with N is different than my past traumatic relationship and that J is not the same as my ex meta? I am… really having a hard time.

The anxiety has sort of peaked lately because N invited me to their house for Thanksgiving and N’s birthday. J was invited as well, but they do not want to come now that I am going. I offered not to come, but N said that they really want me there and J had already expressed that they wouldn’t be able to make the drive that weekend before I RSVPed.

Anyway, that’s my ramble. Any advice or suggestions are appreciated.

Hello. I'm new here and was hoping to get some insight. My partner and I (both women) have been together for nearly 10 years and have found ourselves in an unexpected situation that we are exploring. For some background, when I first met my partner she had a friend. They had some brief history in the past but from my perspective nothing serious. Over the years he also became a good friend to me as well. There had been some light flirting, maybe some mentions of having a threesome but nothing ever came to be for various reasons, mostly because I wasn't that interested and a little worried about their history. Everything was pretty respectful and light hearted. He moved away and recently we went to visit him. I started to see him in a different light and we did end up all together one night. Since then I have realized I had really strong feelings for him I couldn't ignore. I told my partner and at first it did not go well, there were accusations, jealousy, anger. We agreed to not take it any further. But after a few weeks of talking about insecurities, reassurance.. And coming to the realization we all have strong feelings for each other and have for a long time. We have all decided to try to make this work in some capacity. I'm really happy but also very cautious and nervous about things going wrong. Can you all offer me some insight? Advice on navigating this? Maybe some suggested reading.

Is it normal your husband comes home and yells at you because you had sex with your girlfriend, something you’ve been allowed to for months but now he feels taken advantage of because he had a bad week? Actually asking if it’d be understandable.

I can add more dets as we go

EDIT 1: First, thank you all for your responses and insights. This is being incredibly helpful and I’m slowly reading your replies and processing the considerations and emotions that come with it.

I reached out to this community because I did not know where else to ask and I’m so thankful for the support.

So I (29F) have been with my parter (28M) for 4 years, we’ve been living together for 3.5 years and married for 3. We decided to start a poly relationship a bit over a year ago, it was mutual agreement because we both wanna see the other enjoy themselves and we believe monogamy hasn’t been great for us before with ex partners. This is my first poly relationship and even tho it felt scary at first, I managed to overcome those fears and I’m in a much better place rn, overall I think I’m learning a lot of things about myself and bro I just feel so free which is why I wanted this relationship in the first place.
Soon after we started our poly relationship my husband started dating meta, they’ve been together pretty much this whole time, we’ve met a couple times but we have more of a parallel relationship and we’re all good with that. So far everything is great between me and my husband, not much changed in our relationship except of course the amount of time we spend together, we established boundaries and we both make sure we never cross them. I don’t think I’ve ever felt neglected up until now, idk if “neglected” is the right word to describe how I feel but the thing is I’ve been noticing that my sexual needs are not being met anymore (I’m a very sexual person) and it’s been like this for a couple months. I communicated this to my husband as soon as I started feeling like that, we said we would try to have more talks about it and work on this to have a better dynamic. But so far situation it’s still the same, and what it’s making me feel neglected is the fact that pretty much every time my husband is with meta (usually twice a week) I can tell they had sex because he would take a shower immediately and I can actually recognize that smell, while we could go a week or more without sex. So even tho he is great with me in every other aspect, I feel like I’m not being heard. He says he loves me and still very attracted to me but I don’t know why I don’t feel that way.
Since I wanted to have a better sex life and I knew I wanted to do something about it, I saw another guy exclusively for sex a few times but it’s very sporadic because we have different schedules and we live far away from each other. Another thing is that I have a bunch of health problems, nothing major but I have at least 1 doctors appointment a month, and just recently was told I’m gonna need a surgery (currently recovering from another one), so being in the look out for sex outside my marriage is not a priority right know because I don’t really have the energy to do that. I don’t want my husband to feel pressured or responsible to meet all my needs but I feel like we could be doing a lot more to resolve this issue. I understand that me being chronically ill could be one of the reasons why he’s not feeling the same sexual desire as for my meta, just because he’s more worried about my health and my wellbeing. I can’t help it but feel sad about it. Idk how to approach this again without being annoying about it because I also feel annoyed. And since I’ve been at home for 2 weeks recovering from surgery I’ve had a lot of time to do my favorite thing ✨overthink✨, am I asking for too much? Is poly really what I want? Is there something in my power i could do to solve this? Am I actually being neglected? Also I come from a very messy family situation so I’ve been in therapy basically my whole adult life so I do have support from professionals, but Idk I guess I would like to hear from a more experienced person in this matter and just get advice from the community idk.
Sorry for the terrible writing skills, English is my second language so it’s double hard to put together all my thoughts lol

Hello everyone!

I have some questions and concerns about a relationship within my polycule.

The situation is a bit complicated, so I'll try to explain it as clearly as possible.

I started dating Mary in April. At the time, Mary was already in another relationship, which had some red flags. They started dating while they were in a psychiatric hospital, and the relationship seems quite one-sided emotionally. Mary is expected to always be there for her partner when they're feeling down, but she rarely gets to see them when they're doing well. On top of that, Mary doesn't seem to be allowed to have bad days herself, as she's always expected to be emotionally available for them.

Our relationship was also complicated and unhealthy at first for several reasons, but we eventually managed to make it more stable and healthier, with a lot of time and effort, especially on my part, as I acknowledge that I was largely responsible for the problems in our relationship at the beginning.

Around the same time, Mary became friends with Carrie, and I ended up becoming roommates with Carrie.

A few months later, Mary started dating Eleanor a relationship that also has some red flags. They started dating while Eleanor was staying at M's place. Mary had helped Eleanor leave a psychiatric hospital, and Eleanor was staying with her because she would otherwise have had to return to the hospital. They had met in a psychiatric hospital during an emotional regulation program. There's also a ten-year age gap between them. What concerns me most about this situation is the potential emotional and practical dependency between them.

A few weeks ago, Mary and I decided to create a queer activist association. We'd actually been thinking about creating it since February and had originally planned to wait until early or mid-2027, but some recent events in our city prompted us to move forward with it sooner.

We asked people around us if they wanted to get involved, and Eleanor, Carrie, and several other friends agreed to join. Among them are Siri and Alexia, who are dating each other, while Alexia is also dating Carrie. Mary also invited her other partner, who agreed to join as well.

Meanwhile, Carrie and Eleanor had also become friends.

Yesterday, I was at Mary's place, and we went back to my apartment together. Carrie and Eleanor were hanging out and seemed unusually close. I'm not completely oblivious, so I figured out pretty quickly what was going on, but M didn't.

Eleanor then took Mary aside to tell her that she and Carrie had started dating. Mary was really upset by the news, and the rest of the evening was quite difficult for her.

So, here are my concerns.

First, I think the way Carrie and Eleanor handled the situation was inconsiderate and disrespectful towards Mary. I don't think Eleanor needed Mary's permission to start dating Carrie, but I do believe that, out of basic respect for her partner, especially since Carrie is also Mary's friend, she should have discussed it with her beforehand rather than telling her after they had already started dating.

To me, it's not about controlling who your partners can date, but about communication, consideration, and respecting each other's feelings.

Second, I'm worried about the association and its long-term stability.

As things stand, almost everyone in the association is part of the same polycule, with only one member outside it. I'm concerned that some people may have joined mainly because they're dating someone involved in the association, rather than because they're genuinely motivated by its goals and activities.

And so far, there are eight of us in the association, but only four are actually doing any work: Mary, Siri, the person who isn't part of the polycule, and me. Unfortunately, that's pretty much what I was afraid would happen.

I'm also worried that if one of the relationships within the polycule ends badly, it could create serious tensions within the association, potentially causing it to fall apart and undoing everything we've built so far.

I really care about this project, and I don't want interpersonal conflicts to jeopardize something that matters so much to me.

Am I overreacting? Are my concerns reasonable, or am I being unfair to the people ?

For clarity, here's a quick overview of the relationships:

• Mary is dating me, Eleanor, and another partner.
• Alexia is dating both Siri and Carrie.
• Eleanor and Carrie have recently started dating.
• Carrie is my roommate and Mary's friend.
• Almost everyone involved is also a member of our new association.

Edit : I change the letters for names.

I have past trauma surrounding relationships, so being poly with the love of my life has been really hard. I've been open, and honest, and communicated what's bothered me and communicated how he can help. I know you can love two people deeply for different reasons, I have my whole life! It was really damaging when I was in exclusive relationships and would feel attracted to someone else too. I was never actually deeply in love with anyone though. I thought I was but not like this. This time, I am with the person I have dreamt of my whole life.

He's open and honest with me, he talks about his other partners, I'm friends with them and like them a lot! Except he's adding someone new that I don't know. I've dealt with the jealousy and competitive feelings I've had for the others. Those old problems are resolved and don't affect me anymore. I identified them, worked on them, and solved them. This is a new problem and I can't put my finger on why I'm upset. I don't know if it's the fear that things will change with the addition of a new person? That I'll get cast to the side like I'm used to. And yes I already talked to my partner about this.

Help?

My Husband has now come back to me after I asked him some questions.

After I told him I thought it was deceptive, he went ahead and tole the other person he was in a relationship and that he is poly.

What is your opinion on this?

1. Is it positive as he is listening, understanding and making changes that are showing he is listening to my needs, worries and boundaries;

2. is he worried he fucked up and he is cleaning up his mess

He said that he still doesn't necessarily think he needs to tell someone if they are not going to be romantic, if it is just flirting. How do people think about this?

He says that our values don't have to always align, but that we can create a form of relationship that accepts each others values and continues to work on uneasy situations and values.

Asking all in a phase of learning and not for hatred.

Cheers

Anyone ever go from a decade or two of being poly to monogamy? I'm thinking about it for myself. Recently divorced and not sure what I want next. Sometimes it feels like I'm not monogamous enough for the mono people but I'm not poly enough for the poly people.

Eventually I want to find someone to live with and focus on each other without having other regular relationships. Maybe a little space to occasionally connect with others, and I'm not sure what that would look like, but not full on polyamory.

I'm finding that most monogamous people look at someone with my background as huge red flags, even if I wanted to be fully mono. And what I want also doesn't really fit into poly circles.

What I'm finding is that my connection preference isn't really poly. I don't want to distribute my needs across multiple people. I value deep connection over autonomy. I want emotional attunement more than direct communication. I want the default to be togetherness, not only togetherness when planned in advance.

Thoughts?