Hello,
Thank you for taking the time to read and critique my story. This is a finished short story, with the blurb: Two men excited to watch the World Cup at the bar encounter a weird and unsettling stranger.
I'm looking for critiques in no particular order for plot, pacing, characters, prose and general enjoyment. Grammar and punctuation I'm not really interested in unless it was really abysmal.
Let me know what you think ! Critique : https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1xcydiu/comment/19roek0xdgo5h/?context=3
***
“Fuck my head hurts,” Richard groaned as they made their way down the sidewalk.
“You’re an idiot Rich,” Will shook his head.
Loud cheers and chants rang through their city, causing Rich to rub the back of his head.
“The noise really isn’t helping. What I need is … another drink.”
“Seriously? After how much you drank last night? If I’m being honest I think it was too much.”
“Well to be fair, it can be kinda difficult to keep count. How am I supposed to know when I hit the limit?”
Will sighed.
“I’d allow it if you were comparing the difference between three and five, not five and fifteen.”
Rich laughed, causing him to immediately wince and squint.
“Yeah well, when you get past five they all blend together don’t they? Look we’re here.”
The two nodded at the bouncer as they entered. The room was packed. Scarves littered the walls, tables and necks of patrons, TVs blaring.
“Reckon we’ll get a table?” Will asked.
“I can see one out there in the smokers.” Rich pointed. Will nodded and headed towards a glass door leading outside, while Rich went to grab a drink.
After ordering he turned to look at the bar, absently rubbing the back of his head, failing to heal his headache in any way.
The bar was busy. But then again, it was the first game of the World Cup.
A sense of excitement tingled behind Rich’s pain, this was his country playing, something that rarely ever happened, in a pub full of like-minded people. How often does one see the same sport jerseys being brandished in the one place? Certainly not in Australia. Rich would laugh if someone called him a patriot, but here, in this moment, there was a love, a blooming pride in his country.
Rich kept scanning the room when his gaze suddenly stopped. A man, devoid of any sport gear, was staring at him from across the foyer. Greasy black hair resting over brown eyes focused on him.
Rich couldn’t look away. He seemed to drawn into the man’s pupils, the room and its noise began to dim. Black spots danced in the corners of his vision, steadily getting larger, the headache from his hangover growing more powerful, feeling like it was going to crush his skull.
The man lowered his face, a fork-like tongue sliding out of his lips …
“Sir?”
A tap on his shoulder made him turn.
“Your drinks?”
Rich blinked.
“Yes, thanks.”
Rich walked outside to where Will sat, pointedly avoiding looking at where that man had been. The smoker’s area was very cramped, two tiny bar tables circled by a handful of stools. Behind lay a shoulder height wooden barrier, barring one from the city street.
“Ahhhh.” Rich wiped the froth from his mouth and placed his beer down.
“I needed that.”
Will frowned at him.
“Look, Rich, I think we need to talk before we watch the game. I’m only going to say this once, but I don’t like how hard you go every night. Keep it up and its a one-way ticket to the ground.”
“Mate I don’t want to hear it.” Rich looked away when Will put a hand on his shoulder.
“Well you’re going to. There are people here who love you. You’re important to them. To me. Please don’t throw that away.”
“Important? Mate, I have no degree, I might be a good talker but when it comes to books I know I’m not the smartest. My day to day is to work on different sites laying bricks, for people who will earn my years’ salary in a week.
How else am I supposed to be happy if I don’t drink?”
Will nodded.
“I get it. It’s hard. But money, work, that’s not all there is to life. Think about it, right now we’re watching the World Cup. We only get that every four years. I want to be here again, with you, in four, eight, twelve … twenty. Let’s make that happen.”
Rich swallowed, then smiled.
“You’re right. Thanks mate. I appreciate it.”
“And I appreciate you! Now enough affection, let’s watch some football yeah!”
They went to get up when the door opened.
Both men moved a tad to let the newcomer onto the other stool.
“Excuse me, would one of you have a smoke by any chance?”
Rich turned to look, with a sense of distaste he realised it was the man who had been staring at him at the bar. It must have just been something to do with his hangover, as his tongue was a normal, not the forked apparition that Rich couldn’t get out of his mind.
“Sorry, we don’t have any on us.” Will replied, closing his body off to the conversation. Without pause, the man moved closer.
“Come on, I’ll buy one, I don’t care!”
Rich shook his head. Cash is just crinkly paper when there’s nothing to purchase.
“Doesn’t change much I’m afraid. Sorry mate.”
The man shrugged and sat down. While he wasn’t at ‘their’ table, the smoking area was so small that he was sitting right next to them.
“Who do you think is going to win today?” The man asked.
Will and Rich gave each other the side eye. Neither had any interest in talking to this guy. Yet maybe they should? Not because they cared about being rude.
Sometimes it’s important to speak to the randoms. The ones who might need some company to forget their problems. A second of your time might mean the world to someone else.
And judging from the reek of the man, it seemed that he might have more than a few problems.
“Hoping it’s us. But you never know right?” Will offered.
The man turned to him and smiled. Will attempted to hide his revulsion. The man’s top and bottom teeth were blinding white, a stark contrast to the black and rotting molars deeper within his jaw.
Will almost gagged when he smelt his breath.
“When fate is involved, there is not much left to chance. Everyone here already have their destinies predetermined.”
He laughed, it was a high-pitched cackle, that ended in a bout of coughing.
“What I want to know is …” The man pointed at two women they could see through the glass door laughing on the corner of the bar, “is who do you think the next victim is here.”
Rich felt bile at the back of his throat as the man leered. Had he really just said that?
Will shook his head with a grimace.
“It’s two pm on a Sunday afternoon. I don’t think anyone’s going after … women like that.”
The man put his hands up, nails black with crusts of dirt.
“Nah, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant who can I ask for a cigarette. That victim.”
“Oh right.” Will replied, understanding breaking his unease. That’s when the man winked at Rich.
Rich hated it.
“Yeah, well, good luck with that, we’re just gonna head inside …” He got up mid-sentence, pleased at how quickly Will followed.
“Wait, wait, I was just making a joke fellas, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to kick you out of here.”
Will put a hand up.
“You’re all good, we’re just going to watch the game is all, enjoy your afternoon.”
Rich went to grab the door. That’s when he heard the sob. He looked back and saw the man rubbing his eyes with one hand, sniffles leaking out of his clenched mouth.
Against his better judgement, Rich let go of the handle.
“Are you ok?”
“Yes I … I … I was just trying to be funny, it can be hard for me to make friends, I always screw it up and I’m so lonely …”
The pair stared at each other.
“Look sorry mate, we’re just here to watch the game, and we don’t know you and as much I understand it can be difficult to make friends … to be honest we don’t really want to hear your life story.”
The man looked up with sad eyes.
“I screwed it up big time didn’t I?”
“That’s ok. It’s all about learning, just be genuine and smile and I’m sure you will find some like-minded people.”
“Smile. What, like this?” Opening his mouth wide, the man smiled, eyes bulging with his head titled to the side.
“Yeah, maybe a little less wide-open but you’ll get there!” Will gave a thumbs up and turned around.
“I can’t even smile right can I! I’m so stupid! Stupid!” The slap was frightening due to how sudden it was, a cracking hit to his own face. The man’s skin seemed to ripple and for a second his lips seemed to drop down to the bottom of his chin, as if they were sucked down like putty. They snapped back into place, a red mark brightening on his flesh.
“Right. Good luck mate.” This time it was a scram between Rich and Will to get to the door handle, their eyes locking as they mouthed what the fuck to each other.
“Don’t leave.” His cry fell on deaf ears as Rich went to yank the door open. With a cry Rich pulled his hand back, it was freezing cold, somehow burning his hand.
“Dude, open the door.” Will hissed. Rich turned back and froze.
The man had his tongue out, a pink forked tongue that drooped down his chest. Laughter buffeted them, high pitched squeaks that spread goosebumps down Rich’s neck.
“Just open it Rich. Open it now.” The man giggled.
“I didn’t tell you my name.”
“No, but I know it. I know all about you and Will.”
“What … do you want?” Rich asked.
The man stood up. His shadow loomed behind him, a blackness that began blocking the sun and sky.
“I thought I just wanted some friends right?”
Will muffled a scream when he turned to see the void, at how the man was growing in size, knocking over the stools and benches. They both took a step back, realising all too soon that there was nowhere to go.
“But you were so mean to me weren’t you. And what did I ask? I fail to remember.” A long yellow nail tapped its chin.
“Oh yes, right. What I asked was … whose the next victim here. Seems like I’ve got two.”
Rich sprinted to the wooden wall, attempting to vault over it to land onto the street. Something smashed into his side, slamming him to the floor. He was raised up into the air to be thrown back onto the ground, screaming as pain exploded through his chest. Fire burned his chest, breaths squelching as he struggled to rise. A hand grabbed his throat and pulled him in the air. He could hear Will wailing next to him, but he couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t think through the shock. He could only stare at the man’s big, black eyes.
It opened its mouth unimaginably wide, and Rich’s head was inside, a foul rotting smell clogging his pores.
It spoke to him as he gagged.
“Now we will be friends forever Rich!”
Rich's screams were silenced by a wet crunch.