I have so much anger. At him. At myself. At everyone around us that unknowingly eggs him on and normalizes his drinking because it’s just so super duper fucking fun for them.

They don’t see him when he gets home.

He never fucking stops. The bars close and the night is done but he never is. And somehow it’s my fault. His anger that the alcohol is done for the night finds its target in me. Hateful words. Demands. Then he finally sleeps and I’m wide awake. Angry at him, but more angry at myself for choosing this fucking man over and over and over again at my own expense. Fuck this.

I don’t know how to explain. I am feeling quiet overwhelmed. Last week he drank “accidentally” while we were both out with work friends. Said usual abusive things, same past behavior. Next day he woke up and said sorry and cried. Genuinely looked broken and Devastated. I supported him and everything was normal. We are still traveling, he drank again and didn’t tell me. I could smell it and I knew from his behavior. Even before he relapsed I could sense change in his behavior, I suspected he was drinking and hiding it. Same thing today. And then I made him take a test and it was 1.2%. He says the breathalyzer is wrong. I also found new cans of alcohol in the car. He says it’s not his. He keeps trying to convince me maybe it’s his mouth wash or vape. How pathetic to think I am that stupid that I would believe all these lies 4 days after he relapsed. I am just so fed up and tired of this. I don’t think there is any point in talking to him tonight. But even the next day what’s the point. It’s heartbreaking. The drinking and then lying. When does it ever get normal.

Husband relapsed again. Not horrible bad drunk but he bought two Black Box wines and only found 1. He told me he other is gone. He bought them yesterday. I have lost all trust in him.

Told em I need my distance today and that we would talk when I get home tonight.

He's in a IOP program and they fucking make him sign a contract to stay sober. $2k investment and with him being out of work for almost 2 years before getting his new job, nothing left in savings except my person liquidation of my 401k.

He drank during his group session last night and pretty sure all day at home based on one box already being gone.

I can't leave our house because of our dogs, and he cant stay with his family because they are a BUNCH of deniers and toxic as fuck. Maybe his brother but, I just dont know.

Do I just start having us sleep in other rooms til he gets it or kick him out?

This has been an on going issue. He relapses, I raise the ultimatum bar, and i just dont have the energy or strength anymore to fight back. I cant change him, I know with this disease I will never be enough to make him stop.

He relapsed a month ago while I was on a business trip and our eldest pup was pacing and crying to go outside. He had an accident and I saw it happen on camera while husband was passed out. What if we had kids?

I was so livid, I was stuck at the airport, couldnt do anything, I was ready to beat the daylights out of him for doing that to our dog, my boy oup ive had before we were married and for 14 years. I hate to admit but I did smack him several times when I gor home with my flip-flop, brused his ear. I was so angry, I just wanted to beat this fucking drinking demon out of him.

That is NOT who I want to be, or life I want to live. I have become that person and I hate myself for it.

Thats when he got started with the IOP, but its all online. I dont know what to do. Afraid this is the end of our marriage. ​

Is relapse just going to be something we battle over and over again with?

Sorry for the ramble but I just dont know who to talk to anymore. Broken record with friends and dont start session with new therapist til Thursday.

Thoughts anyone?

I have reached the end of my tolerance. The impact on (daughter) is real and I am not willing to risk her experiencing childhood trauma because of your drinking. I accept I cannot control you, but I can control the environment (daughter) is present in.

I’m done. I’m done picking up all the pieces when you crash out, I’m done stressing about your wellbeing, I’m done being lied to and manipulated, I’m done being abused (physically and verbally).

Most of all I’m done having (daughter) around this behaviour. She deserves better. She will have better.

You can keep alcohol. Or you can keep your family. You can’t have both.

I hope you come home to us.

My 43 year old brother is deep in alcohol addiction right now and being housed in an HMO where he’s being beaten. I am in the USA and he is in the UK. He got an ambulance to the hospital today as he’s binging heavily and they refused to treat him as a known alcoholic. He had testicular cancer years ago and has just been diagnosed with CML - how can they turn away a cancer patient with mental health issues because he’s killing himself with alcohol? What are my options? Paying for private rehab? There seems to be no way to get him help. My mum and dad are distraught as they’re elderly and can’t have him at home yet are ridden with guilt for refusing him after years of being his safety net.

Last night I was reminded I can have an opinion about just about anything, but I don’t need to share it. And TBH, probably shouldn’t.
Any of you seasoned Al-Anoners have wisdom about this tradition you’d share?

I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (28M) for four years, and over the past nine months, I’ve discovered that he’s been drinking and driving when I’m not around.

The first time it happened, I was livid. I told him how unacceptable and dangerous it was, and he assured me it would never happen again.

I don’t necessarily think he’s an alcoholic, but he clearly has a problem with drinking and driving. He can go weeks or months without drinking, but whenever he goes out with his friends, usually once or twice a month, he insists on driving himself. I’ve repeatedly asked him not to, offered to get an uber, and he always insists that i don’t need to worry he won’t drink too much. Yet, he overdoes it…

Now nine months later, this has happened at least three more times that I know of. Last night, he got a DUI. It’s his first, but his career field has a zero-tolerance policy for DUI charges, so he’s expecting serious consequences.

Part of me thinks this may finally be the reality check he needs. He’s already saying he’ll never drink again because of what happened, I assume because he understands how serious this is now that he’s in legal and career trouble. I feel like I need to tell his mom, but I’m torn on whether that would be the right thing to do. He doesn’t want to reach out to her, and I haven’t told anyone else because I don’t know who I can talk to about this who he would also trust. His dad strongly despises alcohol and would absolutely be the wrong person to involve. His mom, on the other hand, is understanding, and I genuinely believe she could get through to him in a way that I haven’t been able to.

Would it be wrong or selfish of me to tell his mom? Should I tell her about the DUI or be honest about the pattern and explain the entirety of the past few months?

I realize that telling her could damage his trust in me and end our relationship, especially because now he admits he understands my concerns and apologized profusely for the past few months. I think I’m prepared to accept a break up that if it means he has someone else who can support him through this. I’ve been carrying the weight of this for months and feeling responsible for preventing something terrible from happening. I love him, and I want him to be okay. I’d really appreciate some outside perspective.

Hey all,

I am a single parent w two kids. I invited my bro to stay with me when his choice was that or homelessness in a city in another state. I am glad he's here and I would say it's going mostly well but yesterday I discovered that he stole over 1k from my savings tucked away in my room.

I asked him if he did and he admitted to it and I cried and he got emotional and apologized. I don't give him money and I very rarely lend it as I am broke myself. I have asked him to pay a small amount of rent to cover food and utilities and he's two months behind already.

I have tried to let him recover from his poverty/fear burn out and just not bother him and trust him to start managing himself and start taking control of his life in even any small ways and it's just not happening. It's only been a few months, and I know it takes a long time. I could probably handle the rent being overdue and him trying to work out repayment but stealing from me is crossing a major line.

I am trying to approach this from a compassion & hope based action oriented/repair mentality though I have been giving more space than anything probably. I check in once a week or so and ask how he's doing but we don't really get into anything deep, I just don't have the time or desire to be a therapist.

He is literally just bed rotting in my kids room that I gave to him to stay in while theyre sleeping in my room and coming out to putter on whatever random projects he decides he wants to do that day and sometimes helping out with chores.

I was just going to let him find his footing until the spring and then say okay bud you gotta go face the world now, I told him this, but the stealing thing has me fucked up ( yeah i guess you should expect this right I should have locked up my money my fault but it was kind of a trust thing. I didnt leave it out in the open it was tucked away in my bookshelf IN MY ROOM in an envelope.)

Im listening to some youtube videos and Im not looking to tough love as a strategy, Im looking for compassionate, empathetic ways to hold boundaries while they figure their shit out, and any ways I can help them figure their shit out without compromising my energy and time too much.

Thank you.

I texted him the night before last and told him we couldn't be together anymore. It's too triggering for me to be with him knowing that he's likely heading down the same path as my dad. He got really mad at me and I do feel bad but I just can't be with an addict. I'm too young to be dealing with this in the first place. I didn't tell his parents but I did put in an anonymous tip to my school counselor and I trust that they'll get him the help he needs.

The Alateen group near me meets at a time I can't attend because I have work but I'm going to an Al Anon meeting on Friday and I'm hoping it'll give me some insight. I've been dealing with the effects of addiction literally my whole life and I'm only 16, that's not fair and I'm realizing I need help that I'll hopefully receive.

Hi this is my first ever post on Reddit but I had to create a new account recently cuz my original one had my real name lol.

My uncle has been a raging alcoholic for many years. He’s also a diabetic and when he gets a low blood sugar he passes out or has a seizure. He still lives in my grandmas house but she passed away line 4 years ago at this point and it’s only gotten worse.

My mom set up cameras all around the house so she could tell if he has died or not cuz he falls so often. It’s horrible. She or one of the neighbors calls 911 at LEAST once a week cuz he’ll be passed out out front or somewhere in the house and at this point she only calls if he’s been down and not moving for like an hour.

At this point she also feels like she has enabled him by letting him stay in that house cuz he’s only gotten worse and worse. Hes literally a bloody mess like falling all the time hitting his head and like actually bloody all over the house. All he does is smoke cigarettes and drive to the liquor store even tho im pretty sure he doesn’t even have a license. He has no one and he lives in northern ca and we live in southern ca and my mom already goes up there like once per month to try and help cuz he refuses to go to the hospital and he also refuses any help and just is so unwell?? He isnt even showering and has so many cuts all over and is like fully incoherent at this point. I dont even know how he’s still alive tbh. But it’s hard cuz when hes like awake or even slightly coherent he refuses help.

Guess I am curious if anyone else has dealt with this and if so how? She’s already 5150’d him and done whatever voluntary holds there are and no one will accept him into any program cuz he’s too big of a risk with his diabetes and injuries and at one point a nurse was coming by every day but that did nothing and she’s thought about hiring in home care but also does not want to do that to anyone else even if it would be their job.

Who knows how long he’s got left idk how he’s even made it this far tbh but any resources or advice is appreciated and please understand my mom has done literally everything she knows how to do and talks with his doctors like every day trying to fight for him but he’s like too far gone but also still alive so yeah idk thanks everyone!

I (30f) had a difficult childhood like most of us probably. My dad got sober for us and it took him a few years to work through the irritability but he did it. We got really close in my early 20’s. Talked ALL the time.

He’s been on disability for back issues for ten years. His back pain has been getting worse. Now he’s got arthritis too. He’s the strongest guy I know, but everyone has a limit and I guess he hit his. He started drinking again the past year or two for the pain. He’s an irritable drinker. Rants and vents about politics. It’s kinda weird because he’s usually a really quiet introvert. I don’t really see it because I think he tries to hide it from me. So we went from talking all the time to I’m lucky if I get a phone call once a month.

And I think he feels ashamed or embarrassed about it. We don’t talk about stuff like that in my family. I can’t even tell him I don’t mind and I understand and I kinda like the political rants. I’m a political science major.

I guess it’s just hard caring for someone who sees the behavior worse than you do? There is no good solution. His doctors won’t give him pain medications. If he thinks this is his only option, I’d rather this than him be in pain everyday. But I just miss him.

A couple of days a week I come to stay with my dad who is an alcoholic, my brother practically lives there too. Every night I stay here there is some sort of explosive argument about my dad’s drinking that my brother usually initiates. Its relentless. It happened again tonight.

I get his frustration, but my brother also has very bad anger issues and tends to escalate things way further than they need to go. Sometimes these arguments escalate into them threatening to fight each other. They get in each other’s faces. Say disgusting horrible things. Slam doors.

My brother is also an ex drug addict. So it just feels like a battle between two people who both have major problems and are shifting blame to each other and taking no accountability for themselves. It’s exhausting.

I’m just… so lost. I visit my dad because even though he has a problem, I still love him and don’t want to cut him out of my life. But at the same time dealing with both him and my brother is a major stressor for me. I know, I should just separate myself but… easier said than done. I just shut myself in my room and cry when things get too much.

I just want things to be happy. I just want a happy, normal healthy family. I’ll never get it and that thought honestly sometimes makes me just want to give up. Not give up on life, but give up on hoping that one day I’ll have that safe, lovely warm happy household. I’ve never had that.

Edit: aaaaand dad passed out on the floor, probably from lack of food. He then immediately after made me play him a Michael Jackson music video as he drunkenly cried. What a night

Hi I have never been to a meeting before and found a meeting near Hyde park terrace but didn’t understand if it’s open to walk in. If anyone has any information please let me know. I really need to attend. Even tonight is okay.

At this point, I give up. I gave him two years to get clean. It's been cycles of relapse, withdrawals, and abuse. He said he was going to detox, he never went. He's so disrespectful when he doesn't get what he wants.

I just want our child to grow up in a peaceful environment. I can't have that if he's around us going through his cycles. It's always an empty promise. I have to look out for us even if that means we keep a distance. I want him to get better. Hopefully he wakes up and gets tired of it. It's going to kill him, this substance. He'll lose everything like this.

I hope he makes the right choice, with or without us.

Last week was her brother's birthday. He was an addict who died in a car wreck 2 years ago. One of her coworkers lost a brother and they were talking about it at work and decided to do shots. My Q (gf 47) currently has a breathalyzer installed in her car because of a dui. I dont understand how 1. She thought it was ok to drink 2. Decided to try to start her car anyway. So obviously she gets locked out and I have to go get her. She said it was one shot but she seemed more intoxicated than that.

She spiraled emotionally this weekend and today she got loaded while I was at work. The nasty text messages started and I refuse to respond. Unfortunately ive been through this enough times before to know that you cant respond. This has been a pattern where she gets really angry and picks a fight over something and then she gets angry and drunk. She tells me she will call cps and tell them im a bad parent, she tells me shes leaving, she tells me to leave, she will ruin my life, im a terrible partner...etc.

The messages stopped at 2:30 so im guessing she passed out.

I didnt come home after work. I dont feel safe nor do I want to be around her when she drinks. So im sitting in a Walmart parking lot figuring out what I need to get through a day or two sleeping in the car. The really shitty part is that its my house and I dont feel safe in it.

My brother is an alcoholic, and I’m struggling with where supporting him ends and rescuing him begins.

He lives out of state, his relationship recently fell apart, and his housing situation is now unstable. I don’t actually know whether he is currently drinking or sober.

Last night he impulsively bought a bus ticket back to my city even though he has no job or place to live here. I told him that coming here with nothing lined up made no sense and that he could not live with my wife and me. He got angry and called me an asshole.

He eventually agreed to stay where he is and canceled the ticket. I had told him on the phone that if he canceled it I would reimburse him, so I sent him the money he would have gotten back for the ticket. I realize even that promise was probably an impulsive reaction on my part because I desperately wanted him not to just show up here with no plan.

Today he says the person he’s staying with wants $150 next week and that he may have to sleep in the backyard tonight. He’s calling 211 and says he’s going to an AA meeting today. My instinct is still to rescue him—pay the $150, get him a hotel, or reconsider letting him stay with us.

Our mom died unexpectedly a little over two years ago, which makes this especially difficult. I love my brother and actually wish he could come back here. I just want him to come back with a job, housing and some stability instead of making my home his emergency plan.

But when I say no, I immediately think: What if something happens to him? What if I never see him again? Am I abandoning my brother when he genuinely needs help?

For those who have dealt with alcoholism in a sibling, how did you learn the difference between helping and rescuing? And how did you handle the guilt when you finally set boundaries?

I went on a vacation with my husband and our friends recently and for most of the nights I had to babysit him. He would be fine during the day, but once the sun set, it was game on. He was taking shots. He was pounding drinks. And for the first few nights, I hovered around, sipping my own drinks because I knew I would have to babysit. Putting him to bed and generally being annoyed.

For the last night though, I went to bed early. Said to him "try your best to not come back black out drunk" and to no ones surprise, he was literally the *drunkest* i have ever seen him. His friends had to basically carry him to the room.

What's so confusing is that he only gets blackout drunk when we're at parties with our friends. He doesn't drink during the week. He doesn't drink and drive. He can handle himself around my family and his family. It is literally ONLY when we're hanging out in a group setting with our friends and drinking is acceptable.

What kills me is he can NEVER pace himself at parties. He just gets *so excited* to be with his friends that he turns into a fish and cannot for the fucking life of him slow down. (He also gets irritated with me if i try to slow him down by switching his drinks for water or saying to pace himself. )

Anyway, this vacation was the last straw for me. This is years in the making of me hovering around at parties making sure he's not getting too drunk, making sure he's pacing himself, or eating, or drinking water. It's fucking infuriating.

JUST ONCE I want to go to a party/vacation and not have to babysit him. I've gotten so resentful of him drinking that I can't even stand being around him when he's tipsy or just buzzed.

Like I said it's confusing because he's not your cut and dry alcoholic. Clearly he can't stop once he starts, but that's only in social settings. Every other aspect of his life and our marriage is fine.

After he woke up that last day of vacation I told him I was done babysitting. Moving forward I need him to figure out how to pace himself. I'm here for support, but I'm done. And I made it very clear that separating was on the table if he goes overboard again. We have a party this weekend and I'm already over it.

Does anyone else have this issue? Any guidance is much appreciated.

is it possible, if your q (spouse) gets sober, to ever trust them again? all of the lies, the cycle of their slips, etc. add on never feeling heard and respected. has anyone here been able to trust their spouse again after time?

My husband has had times in the past where the alcohol was out of control. Put holes in the wall. Started fights with me. Left. Came back. The last big fight I told him no more booze. If you want booze you have to stay somewhere else. Saturday he was slurring his speech and I asked him several times why and he wouldn't answer. I just got home and he's wasted and throwing up. I asked him if he drank so much he's sick and he lied and said it was because he took too much medication. But he left his cup o booze in the living room.

I'm disappointed and upset. I just don't know where to go from here. We have 2 kids- one grown and a teenager at home. I don't understand bc if he really wanted to drink he could go somewhere else instead of lying and hiding it. But i know if I confront him he will flip the script and just talk about the things I do or have done in the past that upset him. I really do love him so much but this has left me just feeling.... done.

Backstory:
My boyfriend (33) and I (28) have been together for 4 years. When we first started dating I didn’t drink at all and he did- I associated drinking with my time being a dumb teenager drinking cheap vodka and feeling terrible. So I wouldn’t drink much other than an occasional beer. So my boyfriend and I start dating, we would go out on dates and he would order these fun looking drinks. I eventually indulged, had a bit of a drinking phase (It was novel to me and I experimented)

Drinking was very easy to do. My boyfriend’s parents drink…a lot. They are well off and have their life together so I didn’t think much of it, but when we come over they are serving martinis at the door. His dad drinks a glass of vodka before bed and his mom is frequently drinking wine or a vodka soda. To them it’s a normal part of their routine. When we started dating I thought it was fun that they would offer to make me different drinks and it felt like a way of bonding almost.

Drinking is the central theme at every event. From christmas, to family activities or a casual Sunday…drinking is always at the forefront.

My parents drink very little, and I haven’t really been around a lot of heavy drinkers despite having a lot of alcoholism in my family on both sides. My boyfriend’s family are really smart people that I respect and treat me with extreme kindness, so I never judged them. I figured they’re adults and can live how they choose. I mean they seem like they’re fine, right?

Fast forward to now: over the years we’ve been together, my boyfriend’s drinking has gradually increased. It’s now associated with every activity we do. He drinks every day (multiple glasses of whisky and/or wine/beer) and gets blackout drunk multiple times a week. His parents don’t know the extent or think it’s normal. I have talked to his mom about it. He’s very defensive if I say anything about his drinking habits. His excuse is that he’s fine- he has a good job and makes decent money, he’s on top of everything in his life and even cooks me dinner every night.
He cleans the house, etc. hes very functional and rarely even hungover.

Honestly the problem is; when he’s sober he’s my perfect boyfriend. He’s thoughtful and sweet and great to me. He packs me lunch and takes care of me.

When he’s drinking, generally at night, he’s unbearable. He has the energy of a giant toddler that missed his nap time and is now being cranky and overly sensitive and babbling and making no sense while also being clingy at the same time. He (while drinking) says I can’t say anything about it because he takes good care of me. This is happening multiple times a week.

I told him that his drinking has gone beyond simply having a drink for enjoyment and that I’m concerned and upset because he has put me in compromising situations when he’s drunk. He understands and drinks a little less. (Like ordering one “night cap “instead of two at the bar. This is after he’s already had 8 drinks.)

I’ve stopped drinking hard liquor in the past month and have switched to having two beers a week only. I don’t even like beer but I’m afraid I’m starting to have tendencies that remind me of my alcoholic family members. It’s hard for me to stop once I start. So I’m cutting it off but I haven’t told him that because he will not understand and probably take it as a personal attack.

————————-

THE QUESTION:

I love my boyfriend but I’m worried about his health and mental wellbeing. He’s obviously not doing well mentally and is using booze to cope. He binge drinks and is “the life of the party” to other people. But to me he’s negative, bitter and just generally annoying and unbearable when he drinks.

I know I can’t convince him not to drink… is it possible to set boundaries in our relationship? It’s really affecting me when he is around me when he’s drunk. It stresses me out because he’s dramatic and argumentative. I feel like I’m babysitting. He wakes up and acts like nothing happened. He’s convinced he’s fine and can stop anytime he wants.

As bad as it sounds, I just don’t want to deal with him when he’s drunk. Every time he’s out with friends he gets absolutely hammered and I’m just exhausted from it. I don’t want the drunk phone calls or the bitter and angry rambling about the world.

He’s not as defensive when he’s sober. Is there a way that I can talk to him about this when it’s a sensitive topic for him? Can I ASK him to not bring me into it when he’s drunk??

How do you approach handling this with someone who is defensive, feels constantly judged and doesn’t think they have a problem in the first place???

Sorry for the long read….I’m just at a point where I don’t know what to do. Thank you everyone :)

It is such a deep pain

I asked my fiancee to move out today

The past few months have been such a rollercoaster.

We have been together three years, early 30s

I know it’s denial and codependency but I love them and I’m not ready to fully let go.

I haven’t made any promises or guarantees about what our future holds but after asking about 3 times I finally got through to them that I would like them to leave.

I went to our home today and was picking up some things because I’ve been out for a week at my moms and there was so much hurt in their eyes.

The had been drinking which they admitted to when I saw d I was on my way over (I didn’t ask!) and are afraid to stop until the can see a doctor to safely detox.

I know I’m doing the right thing but it hurts a lot.

I’m getting myself to meetings and working on me in the meantime.

If anyone wants to share, I’m here. Thanks for reading

Y'all can't talk shit on me unless you're going to find the Alateen sponsor who regularly sexually abused 16-year-old girls in Huntington Beach in 2006. I'll name him if it doesn't get me banned. HOW Hall? Anyway I just want to scare away the 12-step cult trolls, I'm JK it's fine but...

So I'm an Alatot. I've spent my entire life in AA like it was my Christian church and I left it like children leave their church and assure their parents that they don't hate them, their lives just... changed.

Big problem in my plan. My mom is 35+ years solid sober (or whatever they call the nicotine, energy drink, sleeping pill, eating disorder plan) and still an abusive narcissist.

I'm currently in PTSD therapy because I guess I never got it growing up - probably doesn't help if your abusive mom is the one paying for your youth therapy. And I'm trying to deal with this woman. 35+ years sober. AA leader. I can link her speaker tape. I have tried to give her everything I ever could but it was never enough for a narcissist.

I can tell you beautiful stories about my single mother going to college and providing for us. I can tell you cute, generational stories of me ending up in AA and knowing more about General Service than my mother knows about the Big Book. You are very welcome that "men and women" changed to "people." I am not the angry, bitter child my narcissistic mother paints me as. I am very proud of where I grew up, I am very proud of my mother, and it guides my life today. I WISH I was telling you that story right now.

Instead, I have a story to tell you about a woman who has been in the same AA rooms that she met my deadbeat methhead father in 35+ years ago. I go to group therapy and they talk about their loved ones in addiction and it sounds like my mother with 35+ years sober. She makes the same bad decisions over, and over, and over again, and then is "confused" when paying money to her new narcissistic supply didn't result in her having genuine love.

So apparently, what she wants to do is to keep making these bad decisions for decades, just like an addict. Year after year, she is going to choose toxic, quid pro quo relationships, while her very own blood daughter will sit here begging her to make better decisions, reassuring her she has nothing to prove to anyone.

But she doesn't want me. She wants the newcomer in an AA meeting who worships her over clean time and doesn't know her truth. I'm kind of *there* with everything I know about Alanon concepts... this woman is making the same bad decision for twenty years. At what point do I take responsibility that I am letting it affect me and move on? I think that time is now. She wants to keep making the same toxic decision to pay people to avoid emotional intimacy, I cannot choose that with her because I have PTSD and am in therapy (oh and that whole sticky situation that you can't PAY me to force an emotionally intimate relationship with my mother. biology is a bitch), and so it looks like we are finally reaching our breaking point now that I've accepted this fully. Please help me.

And no I won't be going to a fucking Alanon meeting. Free us all from this crap. You are not a character defect if your partner is an abusive ass, just leave.

Some info to get you up to speed:
Q-Husband(m46) and I(f47) have been together since we were 18 (married for 24 years). We have two grown children, daughter(f23) and son(m20). Neither live at home.

QH and I had to make the decision to sell our family home so that we could hopefully take the profits and buy something outright. This way we could rid ourselves of a mortgage payment we might struggle to afford again (his job loss - surprisingly not due to drinking).

QH has struggled with alcohol for the better part of 10 years with the last 6 being active. We tried counseling (didn't take b/c he wouldn't be honest about his drinking), he tried a few AA meetings (didn't take b/c he "isn't like those drunks" and "what would they know about supporting a family of four and the pressure that goes along with it?"), I found AlAnon 2.5 years ago and it stuck like glue to every part of my existence. I go to one in-person meeting a week and zoom the rest when I need to.

He has never been physically abusive, never laid a hand on me or our children.
He is the most generous and kind human I have ever known and the absolute love of my life.
He is an alcoholic through and through. Hides bottles, drinks in secret, absent in nearly every moment we are together (unless he's white-knuckling a moment of sobriety), denies being intoxicated when asked if he's sober, and is probably addicted to OTC sleeping pills as he's been taking them nightly for decades.

ADVICE SEEKING STUFF:

• Our house is active on the market. We are hoping to have a contingent offer in the near future.
• I found a few small places that I really like. QH is still in denial we are losing our family home and will have to move somewhere else - he gets irritated every time I bring it up (doesn't like to look at listings, talk budgets, future plans etc).
• I spoke with a trusted friend (who has been divorced for 2 years - similar situation) about the ideas I had for our future and she asked me, "Right now, what do YOU want for your future? What does YOURS look like?", I knew immediately that it was in one of the small homes I have been looking at...alone. Just me and my fur babies.
• Then she said something that struck like a bolt of lightning. "You have done the work, but you cannot begin to truly heal until you have left the chaos. You cannot imagine what is on the other side waiting for you until you are no longer in survival mode. That's where your nervous system is. That's your baseline now. You have to be away from the disease to begin to recover from it."
• I equated this to when my kids were little. I would clean up their messes during the day and then turn around and the mess would be there again. I eventually left the mess alone and when I put them to bed for the night, I would clean and it would stay clean.
• So how can I clean up my life when I live and spend my time with the person who is making the mess? Every time I clean up a little (heal something inside me), he makes another mess and my cleaning feels futile. If he goes to bed in (lives in) another space, I can clean all I want and there won't be any messes in the morning. I can start to heal without having my progress derailed when he's messy.
• I want to stay together. I never think of divorce. I know the man I love is in there somewhere and honestly, I think when he gets better, he will be an improved version of that man. This may be delusional thinking, but I can't think of anything else at this point. It feels so natural to think this no matter how it sounds to anyone else. I want him to get better and I truly feel he will...given the right circumstances.
• Not living together once we sell our home is what I want. I want to take my half and buy a little place of my own. He can decide what he wants to do with his half. I want us to take some time apart to work on ourselves. If after some time we are both in a better place and wanting to continue our lives together, then we do that. If we are both in a better place and decide we want to stay apart, then we do that. Is this crazy talk? Has anyone ever done this and had any success?
• When I think of living on my own, I feel a level of excitement I've never felt before. I have never in my whole life done something that brings ONLY me excitement. My joy has always been tethered to someone else's joy. I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic as well so it's truly been my whole life.
• How do I start this conversation? How do I remain firm in what I want and why I want it? How do I not give in when I see it break his heart? How do I not give in when my children ask me to not do this? They have both told me that at the end of this chapter, if Mom and Dad are still together it will all be okay. How do I change the plan that everyone likes in the 11th hour and sleep at night?

If you have read this far, I truly appreciate any feedback, opinions, advice...whatever the spirit moves you to share. I am active in this sub, but only as someone who leaves replies. This is my first (I think...) post asking for support. This community is so good for all of us who read and share and help in our own ways. I am hopeful it will come back ten fold for me in this moment. I wish you all peace and strength in your own journeys. Thanks for spending a few minutes with me. <3