please help and treat this post with respect:( i’m almost done with one semester as a freshie and so far there hasn’t been a week/day where i haven’t cried and felt so heavy.
for context, i’m taking slp as my program. it wasn’t my first, second, or third choice at all. i chose it because it was advertised to me by my family as “easy way to make money” and “easy path because of scarcity”, basically sureball i’d get a job if i graduate from it, which i verified as true when i did my own research.
it was so last minute when i decided to choose this, i thought i could carry to push through but it has been really hard to do so. academically wise, i’m doing fine, more than enough. but every time i receive a good mark, i feel a sense of dread instead of relief/happiness because i knew i didn’t study from the heart. and i can only imagine how it’s only get harder for me to balance my studies and my heavy thoughts.
being surrounded by my classmates who i can see are really passionate about it doesn’t help as well. i’m happy to see that but i mourn for the me that could have been like that.
i feel super guilty because my parents never pressured or forced me and i know how priviledged i am to be able to study this so i try to be happy every time they call me to ask how am i am. because i thought i could fake it till i make it but i’m seeing no progress ☹️. i try really hard to love it, i try to join many activities to keep my mind off it, but nothing ever helps
i’m also being hit hard with homesickness and i can’t help but view myself as weak because everyone seems to be adjusting well and enjoying their freshie life and my mind is always somewhere else. and i swear to god i try to keep myself busy but i can’t help but breakdown
and part of the reason why i chose this was because i was too scared to chase what i really want—which is vetmed:(. i heard too many negatives and it clouded my head that only saw myself as a vet:( now i’m too scared that it would take too long and i still cannot bring myself to commit to it.
there’s really no one to blame but myself and i don’t know who to share bmy feelings with. i genuinely do not know what to do